Hope

I'm still inching through the Ragamuffin Gospel. Maybe it's meant to be that way. There's a section about being honest with who we are, all the good and the bad, in order to be in a more honest place with our relationship to God. I really do recommend this book. As a former Catholic, and if I'm honest no longer even Christian, it means a lot coming from me. The author speaks a language I understand, probably because he's a former Franciscan priest.

I want to share a passage with you. It spoke to me on several levels. My struggling relationship with the Creator, the tumultuous relationship that I have with myself, and the relationships I have with those in my life.

Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him--as nothing else can--and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. (pg 87)

The realizations that one paragraph gave me are stunningly beautiful. I was moved to tears. Most of it is very personal, as it should be. One of those moments where something clicks in my mind and I have a greater understanding. I'm left feeling in awe.

Seeing as this is a blog about Sir and I, there are a few realizations that I will share. The startling truth that this is how Sir feels about and reacts towards me. My past, with all my imperfections, don't scare Him away or put walls up between us. He accepts that I'm broken, that He is too. Yet we are proof that we can heal one another. The walls we try to put up are false things. I see past His walls, just as He does mine.

When I'm honest and open, everything doesn't seem so bad. He helps shed rationality onto situations and emotions. If He trusts my honesty, if He embraces all my faults--I have to learn to trust that He means what He says. That when He's vulnerable, it's not a ploy. He truly only wants what is best for me. One day I won't doubt any of this.

I wish I could better explain the emotions going through me. That I feel as if I'm seeing with eyes wide open, with clarity. He's not perfect. I'm far from it. But together, everything seems a little better. The wonder and awe returns. All of His complexities leave me speechless and comforted. The past has been getting clearer. I'm being reminded there's been more than just pain. I've been seeing how the pain has shaped me into the person I am today. Compassion and empathy for others. Appreciating what blessings I have in life. Living a simple life. I still want to change the world, but one person at a time. Realizing the impact I have on those around me. I make their lives better and in turn they're able to help others.

I hope this feelings lingers for a while. I know it can't last. It's too peaceful. It's hopeful. That word that has been friend and foe for many years. Today, it feels like friend. That the words I use to keep myself afloat have more meaning and weight behind them. Even with how my life hasn't turned out like I always imagined, there's still plenty of time to change directions. That doing so will lead to a better, brighter future.

I will sometimes miss the subtle clues. I'm thankful that this one was able to hit home. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe the Creator sends me the right clues exactly when I need them. Every time I stray, I find my way back to faith--even if it's not Christianity. I find the right people, at the right time. My life led me to this point, where I love and am loved by one of the best men I've ever known. That's more than a lot of people have and I'm so grateful for Him.

I have hope. It's a strange, but good feeling.

Good Girl

"Good girl" is a phrase I'm assuming we're all familiar with. I want to unravel the significance and personal importance those words have. Please indulge my attempts to sort through the thoughts my mind is circling around.

In the context of BDSM, "good girl" has no inherent correlation to "Littles." The leap to that conclusion is an obvious one, even if it is a false assumption. For those unfamiliar with Daddy/Mommy and little relationships, I found this article to be a good emotional and honest explanation.

The usage of "girl" has no significance to one's age, in any regard. Instead it is an idea that fans the flame of Dominance and submission. One that exposes the submissive behavior under a bright spot light while simultaneously praising it.

For some, "good girl" brings on a rush on endorphins and an emotional high. The surge that courses through a sub's mind and body, like water cleansing and renewing.

It is an acknowledging of a task completed, but furthermore, one which has been performed well. It is earned, often with great struggle. When one pushes past the social conditioning and internal debates to give oneself over to the will of another, in those moments one earns that "good girl" praise from the lips of the Dom.

"Good girl" helps cement the D/s relationship. It builds trust and appreciation. Subs flounder when uncertain, confused, unsure, lost, etc. Their job is to be pleasing, submit, serve. When doubts creep in, and there is no confirmation that they are just as the Dom wishes them to be, "good girl" can be one of many forms to bridge that gap.

For those Doms that can find the balance between over-abundance and sparsity, they will find themselves happier as well. For when their subs are confident and content in submission, life is better for all involved.

As for where I stand with the phrase "good girl", it tightens the chains of Dominance. It liberates my submission. Sir often marvels at how deep I travel down into subspace. Yet even though He's convinced a slave is hiding just beneath my surface, I still struggle from time to time.

The phrase is like many triggers I have to snap my head space into compliant submission. I would argue it's one of the most powerful, at least for me. For though it helps bring me back to where I'm needed, it is a balm to doubts and hesitation. It is warmth to the cold depths of fear.

When I'm told I'm a "good girl" the burden is removed. I can relax and be at peace. If there is freedom in submission, "good girl" is one key that opens the lock to where I hide away.

Content with no regrets

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow this is all settled.

No matter what happens, I'll be relieved and happy.

Yes even if we remain friends only and I never get to feel His touch again, I will be happy.

My life is better just for having Him in it. Richer. Fuller.

While some part of me hopes and waits with bated breath, I'm not worried.

I have no regrets.

Love is a funny thing. Unconditional even more so. I fell in love knowing full well He may never feel the same. I love Him to a depth that I will be happy for Him, no matter where His life may lead Him.

When I woke this morning, it was as if from a fog. Depression is also a funny thing.

I've not mentioned the details of why we don't have something more. The reasons haven't changed. My drive for more has.

He is worth fighting for. Even helping Him fight his hesitancy and doubts, if He'll let me.

Before I had the courage to tell Him that I love Him, I used the word "adore" which I still find apt.

I respect that He takes time to make decisions. And that He's aware now is the time to make one. Though I may have given Him a slight push, heh.

No regrets. None at all.

I'll be a bundle of nerves tomorrow. That's okay.

In this moment, I am content. I have done all I can. Laid forth what I'm willing to do, if necessary.

I'm soaking in a hot bath. All the tension gone. A decision is finally being made.

I can relax in peace.