Wednesday, May 22, 2013


I'm still inching through the Ragamuffin Gospel. Maybe it's meant to be that way. There's a section about being honest with who we are, all the good and the bad, in order to be in a more honest place with our relationship to God. I really do recommend this book. As a former Catholic, and if I'm honest no longer even Christian, it means a lot coming from me. The author speaks a language I understand, probably because he's a former Franciscan priest.

I want to share a passage with you. It spoke to me on several levels. My struggling relationship with the Creator, the tumultuous relationship that I have with myself, and the relationships I have with those in my life.
Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him--as nothing else can--and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. (pg 87)
The realizations that one paragraph gave me are stunningly beautiful. I was moved to tears. Most of it is very personal, as it should be. One of those moments where something clicks in my mind and I have a greater understanding. I'm left feeling in awe.

Seeing as this is a blog about Sir and I, there are a few realizations that I will share. The startling truth that this is how Sir feels about and reacts towards me. My past, with all my imperfections, don't scare Him away or put walls up between us. He accepts that I'm broken, that He is too. Yet we are proof that we can heal one another. The walls we try to put up are false things. I see past His walls, just as He does mine.

When I'm honest and open, everything doesn't seem so bad. He helps shed rationality onto situations and emotions. If He trusts my honesty, if He embraces all my faults--I have to learn to trust that He means what He says. That when He's vulnerable, it's not a ploy. He truly only wants what is best for me. One day I won't doubt any of this.

I wish I could better explain the emotions going through me. That I feel as if I'm seeing with eyes wide open, with clarity. He's not perfect. I'm far from it. But together, everything seems a little better. The wonder and awe returns. All of His complexities leave me speechless and comforted. The past has been getting clearer. I'm being reminded there's been more than just pain. I've been seeing how the pain has shaped me into the person I am today. Compassion and empathy for others. Appreciating what blessings I have in life. Living a simple life. I still want to change the world, but one person at a time. Realizing the impact I have on those around me. I make their lives better and in turn they're able to help others.

I hope this feelings lingers for a while. I know it can't last. It's too peaceful. It's hopeful. That word that has been friend and foe for many years. Today, it feels like friend. That the words I use to keep myself afloat have more meaning and weight behind them. Even with how my life hasn't turned out like I always imagined, there's still plenty of time to change directions. That doing so will lead to a better, brighter future.

I will sometimes miss the subtle clues. I'm thankful that this one was able to hit home. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe the Creator sends me the right clues exactly when I need them. Every time I stray, I find my way back to faith--even if it's not Christianity. I find the right people, at the right time. My life led me to this point, where I love and am loved by one of the best men I've ever known. That's more than a lot of people have and I'm so grateful for Him.

I have hope. It's a strange, but good feeling.


  1. "Together, everything seems better." I love that :)
    Having hope is good. Glad you're doing so well right now.

  2. Wow, JAS, this is exquisite, and I mirror many of these feelings. I am a recovering Catholic. I am spiritual but not religious. I believe in the God that speaks to my heart. I believe much the same about my past, so much pain, but it is what made me who I am, it is what shaped my heart. Every choice led me down a different path that landed me right here, with the person that I was meant to be with, the person who snugs up all my rough edges and makes me complete.

    I am so very happy that you have found your One, JAS. I can hear that peace in your heart. Life will never be without challenges, but you know what? That feeling, when you have the right person beside you, it lasts.


    1. June,

      I've been mulling over how I would respond since last night. You should know that I always love your comments. :)

      What I don't know how to respond to is the idea of a "One." I've been disillusioned to the idea for quite some time. I don't feel that's something negative either. As a living in polyamory person, I have issues with their being "One" person out there for me. The odds are against me that we're living on the same continent, let alone the next town over. The idea of Sir being my "One" would be more harmful to my current, and likely future, poly relationship structure than even the hierarchy of primary, secondary, and tertiary.

      With all that said, I do understand your intentions. It's very sweet of you to think that Sir and I are doing that well together.

      I will say that there is a type of person who belongs by my side full time. Sir was able to spot this very early on. The idea that I've been searching, even while in relationships, because I've not been having my needs met. It was a reactionary comment to why I find myself wanting more than one Dominant partner. I think He sees with a bit more clarity now that I fall into place with the people I'm with. He's a prime example of that. But there's something to be more content in the primary (really hate that word) relationship.

      Which that's where I'm at right now. I think that's what you're seeing. I've not been this content before with a D/s relationship. It's funny because this is likely the most laid back D/s relationship I've ever had. I know it won't always stay that way but the slow progression has been nice. He values me for who I am without losing sight of the kink and power exchange either.

      This is the happiest I've been in any relationship. This is the most compatible I've felt with anyone. We're completely different, yet very much the same. That's the only way I can explain it.

      I can only hope that He'll be around for a very long time. :)


    2. Sorry, JAS, I didn't mean to cause you a quandary :( I just put it in my frame, lol. I should more succinctly have said I am so glad that you have found someone who compliments your open spaces, and completes you in your relationship. Hope you can forgive my unintentional offense.


    3. June, there was no offense. At all. I swear. :)

      I even messaged Sir about it last night. We were texting when I received your first comment. I didn't know how to reply. Let me share that conversation because I think it might help.

      Me: "One of my readers left a long comment on my latest post. I don't have the heart to tell her that I don't believe in a "One," let alone how to address that she believes I found that in you.

      Sir: Ah. That's tough.

      Me: She's so sweet too. She believes in us. I think they all do. It's a lot to take in.

      Sir: It is, and I don't blame them.

      Me: I don't either. They want us to be happy. They seem more confident in us than we are sometimes, heh.

      So you see, I took no offense. I didn't want to offend you, June. Because a lot of people do believe in the "One"; I don't for a variety of reasons. I ended up going with the truth, even if it did break my heart a little.

      Your words are so sure, so certain. Even though I want Him with me every day for the rest of our lives, there's a lot of uncertainty. Maybe I don't share enough or explain it properly. Even thinking about it made me start crying.

      I'm certain of today. About 95% certain of tomorrow. The next week is less likely. The next month even more uncertain. I can't even think about a year from now. There's a darkness that clouds over.

      There are things He said in the beginning. I don't know if they're still true. I know He went into this as a short term relationship. And I'm crying again, heh. As for right now, I don't think He knows where He stands. He's happy, I'm happy. The conversation will come one day. Either I'll lose Him as my Dom and my lover, or I'll have the chance to see it through for as long as it can last.

      Your confidence that He's so right for me is scary. It's not just you either. Because what if is He exactly what I need and I lose Him anyway? He tells me not to worry about the unknown future. How can I not?

      Please know there was no offense taken by anything you said. It's hard for me to live this way, not knowing so much. Your optimism does help me get through the hard times and have more hope for a long future together.