Hope

I'm still inching through the Ragamuffin Gospel. Maybe it's meant to be that way. There's a section about being honest with who we are, all the good and the bad, in order to be in a more honest place with our relationship to God. I really do recommend this book. As a former Catholic, and if I'm honest no longer even Christian, it means a lot coming from me. The author speaks a language I understand, probably because he's a former Franciscan priest.

I want to share a passage with you. It spoke to me on several levels. My struggling relationship with the Creator, the tumultuous relationship that I have with myself, and the relationships I have with those in my life.

Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him--as nothing else can--and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. (pg 87)

The realizations that one paragraph gave me are stunningly beautiful. I was moved to tears. Most of it is very personal, as it should be. One of those moments where something clicks in my mind and I have a greater understanding. I'm left feeling in awe.

Seeing as this is a blog about Sir and I, there are a few realizations that I will share. The startling truth that this is how Sir feels about and reacts towards me. My past, with all my imperfections, don't scare Him away or put walls up between us. He accepts that I'm broken, that He is too. Yet we are proof that we can heal one another. The walls we try to put up are false things. I see past His walls, just as He does mine.

When I'm honest and open, everything doesn't seem so bad. He helps shed rationality onto situations and emotions. If He trusts my honesty, if He embraces all my faults--I have to learn to trust that He means what He says. That when He's vulnerable, it's not a ploy. He truly only wants what is best for me. One day I won't doubt any of this.

I wish I could better explain the emotions going through me. That I feel as if I'm seeing with eyes wide open, with clarity. He's not perfect. I'm far from it. But together, everything seems a little better. The wonder and awe returns. All of His complexities leave me speechless and comforted. The past has been getting clearer. I'm being reminded there's been more than just pain. I've been seeing how the pain has shaped me into the person I am today. Compassion and empathy for others. Appreciating what blessings I have in life. Living a simple life. I still want to change the world, but one person at a time. Realizing the impact I have on those around me. I make their lives better and in turn they're able to help others.

I hope this feelings lingers for a while. I know it can't last. It's too peaceful. It's hopeful. That word that has been friend and foe for many years. Today, it feels like friend. That the words I use to keep myself afloat have more meaning and weight behind them. Even with how my life hasn't turned out like I always imagined, there's still plenty of time to change directions. That doing so will lead to a better, brighter future.

I will sometimes miss the subtle clues. I'm thankful that this one was able to hit home. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe the Creator sends me the right clues exactly when I need them. Every time I stray, I find my way back to faith--even if it's not Christianity. I find the right people, at the right time. My life led me to this point, where I love and am loved by one of the best men I've ever known. That's more than a lot of people have and I'm so grateful for Him.

I have hope. It's a strange, but good feeling.