Unraveling A Layer

Right from the start

You were a thief

You stole my heart

And I your willing victim

I let you see the parts of me

That weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them

I first heard this song a few days ago. Or, it was the first time I really heard the song. It's Pink's "Just Give Me A Reason." 

The song is an exchange between lovers. She believes he no longer loves her, that space has grown between them. But instead she's the one retreating. Up until then, the man thought everything was fine. There's also a familiarity towards the situation, as if this is something he's gone through before. Her mind is a little screwed up, but he loves her and will help make it better again.

It resonated with my head space because I know a lot of it is in my head. I was straddling the edges of a panic attack the other night. Damn book triggered me, and likely wouldn't for anyone else. A character got injured in a fight but it was the how. It's frustrating to know what's happening, to know the sensations I'm feeling aren't occurring, and yet unable to do more than keep the worst of it at bay.

I sent Him a text to let Him know what was happening. There was nothing to do but ride it out. It finally faded around mid-day yesterday. I'm okay now so please don't worry. It's something that happens, especially when I've recently been emotionally off kilter.

I shared this song with you because I understand I am that way. I realize I throw Him off when things seem fine, then suddenly my head points out all the problems, real or non-existent. I'm not always coming from a place of reason when I write here. I try to keep the worst of the paranoia away from here but I'm sure it slips through on occasion.

Yes, I want more. But what I have now is pretty damn amazing. For the most part, He's there when I need Him. I know I can always turn to Him and He'll do what He can for me. He's a very sweet man who puts up with a lot of my shit and somehow still wants to be here. Because when confronted with all the evidence, even my twisted mind has a hard time disputing the fact that He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

We talked and talked for hours last night. He may have seen a side that He wasn't expecting, in that money means absolutely nothing to me. Beyond basic living, I need very little. I live simply, and should I ever have more than I need, I'll help others rather than amass money that will just sit there. Furthermore, I would never try to keep someone unwillingly in my life. I don't ever want to be someone's obligation.

I'm not like most people. I think that confuses Him some times. For all the reasons I'm screwed up mentally and emotionally, I learned what the right priorities are in life. 

The people who want to be there, for the ups and downs. Making sure I have enough financial resources while not living in excess. Giving back to those in need. Books that challenge my mind, music that touches my heart, and food that delights my taste buds.

Sir? He wants to be here. I don't know exactly what He sees in me, but He says it's worth treasuring. When He smiles and His eyes twinkle with affection as He tells me this, I have to believe Him.

Good Girl

"Good girl" is a phrase I'm assuming we're all familiar with. I want to unravel the significance and personal importance those words have. Please indulge my attempts to sort through the thoughts my mind is circling around.

In the context of BDSM, "good girl" has no inherent correlation to "Littles." The leap to that conclusion is an obvious one, even if it is a false assumption. For those unfamiliar with Daddy/Mommy and little relationships, I found this article to be a good emotional and honest explanation.

The usage of "girl" has no significance to one's age, in any regard. Instead it is an idea that fans the flame of Dominance and submission. One that exposes the submissive behavior under a bright spot light while simultaneously praising it.

For some, "good girl" brings on a rush on endorphins and an emotional high. The surge that courses through a sub's mind and body, like water cleansing and renewing.

It is an acknowledging of a task completed, but furthermore, one which has been performed well. It is earned, often with great struggle. When one pushes past the social conditioning and internal debates to give oneself over to the will of another, in those moments one earns that "good girl" praise from the lips of the Dom.

"Good girl" helps cement the D/s relationship. It builds trust and appreciation. Subs flounder when uncertain, confused, unsure, lost, etc. Their job is to be pleasing, submit, serve. When doubts creep in, and there is no confirmation that they are just as the Dom wishes them to be, "good girl" can be one of many forms to bridge that gap.

For those Doms that can find the balance between over-abundance and sparsity, they will find themselves happier as well. For when their subs are confident and content in submission, life is better for all involved.

As for where I stand with the phrase "good girl", it tightens the chains of Dominance. It liberates my submission. Sir often marvels at how deep I travel down into subspace. Yet even though He's convinced a slave is hiding just beneath my surface, I still struggle from time to time.

The phrase is like many triggers I have to snap my head space into compliant submission. I would argue it's one of the most powerful, at least for me. For though it helps bring me back to where I'm needed, it is a balm to doubts and hesitation. It is warmth to the cold depths of fear.

When I'm told I'm a "good girl" the burden is removed. I can relax and be at peace. If there is freedom in submission, "good girl" is one key that opens the lock to where I hide away.

It's different with Him

He is kind, sweet, patient, giving, considerate. He protects and takes care of me, much in the way an owner takes care of a pet.

He's gentle with me. Doesn't require much of me, at least not yet. Often He tells me that who I am is enough.

I've had my fair share of Doms, and interacted with plenty of others.

Sir is in His own league. He's so unlike the others. I've always seen the humanity behind the Dominance. With most, it was something I cringed from. It was a source of weakness. Yet with Him, I see that same humanity, the weaknesses, the imperfections; I find it endearing. With Him, it's a relief.

Maybe because He never hid it. Maybe because I love all I've uncovered. Maybe because instead of seeing a Dom with a person attached...I see a man, who also happens to be Dominant.

He treats me like this soft, fragile little kitten who He pours all His love into, as He is loved unconditionally in return. I am His treasure, which He is stunned to possess and hopes to never lose.

I am free to speak my mind, to ask questions. I'd wager He delights in my curiosity. I am such a curious creature, always wanting to know more. Beyond the knowing, I need the "why"-the comprehension. He's not once begrudged it of me, even when He makes me wait (painfully, I only sometimes have reasonable patience, lol) for the answer/explanation.

He's humble, in that He realizes He has a lot yet to learn especially within the confines of BDSM. Yet He possesses such strength and determination that I know He'll do everything within His power to keep learning, growing, exploring. If He's going to be an Owner, He's damn well going to do it right with the most amount of information available.

While He often sees what I hide away and ignore, He's not once tried to assume that He knows me better than I do myself. Nor has He dismissed anything that is part of me. He enjoys when I express myself as He values the insight, immensely enjoys the process of discovery.

All of this makes Him different. He genuinely places my well-being as a matter of utmost importance in His life. He treats me as more than just the sub, or even the girlfriend. I am not a trophy or a position to be filled.

I am valuable, just as I am with all my strengths and weaknesses. He accepts me as I am today. Just as I accept Him for who He is in this very moment. It's why He's different. It's why this is different.

It's why I have no intention of letting go of this man. Why I am willingly to work through any stumbling blocks. Why I'm willing to grow and adapt to great lengths, find a workable middle ground. Because it is different.

With Him, it's right.

Dom and sub Accountability

Yearning Letgo was apparently on the same train of thought as me today in her post here.

I've been thinking about accountability. Personal and within the confines of a D/s relationship.

D/s relationships by their very nature can only work when both people are doing what their role requires of them. Dominants must maintain an active control over the submissive, while the sub must actively submit to that control as necessary.

The Dom has clearly defined tools to keep the sub on the right path. Discipline, tasks, rules, punishments. However, at the end of the day, the sub has to WANT to submit. The desire must come from within. Or it would be like a man trying to push a mountain; it will never be done. What the Dom has are means to help and assist the sub.

By the same token, a Dom must want the power and control. It is not something that can be forced, coerced, or demanded of another. It must be a freely accepted need to take power over a sub.

What happens when a Dom needs focusing? Needs that nudge to continue on the path?

As a sub, I have had difficulty with this in the past. Expressing my needs and gently explaining what isn't being met can help. Not always though. It can seem like another burden being placed or seen as questioning the Dom's decisions. When one is new, or even in a new relationship, this can be a huge blow to the ego. Even for a good, well-intentioned Dom, it can be easy to feel like toes are being stepped on or even *gasp* that a sub is topping from the bottom.

It's been something on my mind lately. How to serve a Dom who is slowly stepping back into the role, after some years away. Then I was thinking more in the broader sense, for subs in general.

The answer was startling simple. For a Dominant, the use of dominance furthers the path of the submissive. Honed carefully by knowing the sub, in and out, so as to appropriately direct.

For the submissive then, the path to bringing a Dom back on track is submission. Service. Submitting. Stepping up and easing the burdens of the Dom to make life easier and more comfortable. Being available and of easy access, in an obvious yet non-aggressive manner.

It made sense as soon as I touched upon the idea. What better to draw forth dominance than by offering exactly what it craves, needs, demands? It seems simple, and it really is. It's keeping up with assignments and tasks. Sticking to rituals. Doing little things of service.

Is the morning rushed? Then make it easier. By the night before, laying out neatly everything necessary. Bathroom, kitchen, outfits. Whatever makes things easier. Is dinner regularly rushed and ill-planned? Make a schedule with planned meals ahead of time. Fill it with the Dom's favorites, especially on night's when you know it'll be a hectic/rough day at work.

Only the sub in question can know what is right for the Dom. Whether if and what will help reduce stress and burdens. But, if it seems like the dominance is fading a bit, being proactive can help the Dom see exactly what is so damn appealing about D/s. It'll also help the sub feel better as it's strengthening the submissive connection.

Something to think about, next time the submissive jitters are taking over. For that matter, the dominant ones too. Yes, nothing is a substitute for good, honest, open communication. But no one wants to be a nag and sometimes actions speak louder than words.

"Les Mis", Change, and Faith

*SPOILER ALERT*

This writing contains spoilers for the movie/musical "Les Miserables."

Les Miserables...Wow, absolutely incredible. I cried for a good two hours of the movie. Sir was crying too, especially towards the end.

His hand didn't leave me the entire movie. Whether protectively placed on my knee, our fingers interlaced, or His hand wrapped around mine...it was a constant comfort I greatly needed.

There is a scene between Cosette, Eponine, and Marius. Where Eponine brings Marius to meet with Cosette and they express their love for each other. Eponine is off to the side expressing her love for Marius that she knows he'll never return.

Sir knew the scene was coming and what it would do to me. Because that's one of those times where His hand laced with mine. Comforting and fitting so perfectly in His hand, with gentle squeezes now and then.

All of my hopes and fears in regards to Him were played out before me in that scene. I fear being Eponine. The unrequited love that is thrust into the background. I hope to be Cosette, in every sense. (Yes Sir, I just called your not-so-carefully-disguised offhand comment from last night...)

In the movie, Marius and Cosette fall for the other with just one meeting. They knew something was there that could not be ignored...So it was with us. From day one, the man had an appeal and draw that was unexplainable. Heh, He wasn't even aware that He was flirting with me. It was as natural as breathing, and just as right.

By rights I have nothing to fear. His comments last night made it clear where His intentions are. Just taking His time to be sure as I am a rarity to His world, as it turns out. It's why I'm an answer to a prayer. 

To be loved, welcomed, understood without a care to His past or the man He will one day be. To accept Him as the man He is in this moment. To love Him, not in spite of who He is, but because of it.

I told Him that He's an answer to a prayer I made 14 years ago. One that I was convinced was never going to arrive. I didn't tell Him what that prayer was, as we both needed to sleep. But I'll share it here with you all:

I prayed to be taken away from all the pain,

to be in a place where I could

escape and truly let it go.

14 years is a long time to be in pain. He's given me that safe place of acceptance, support, and assurance. That it's okay to leave behind the pain. That the days of intentional harm and careless abuse are done. I trust that I will find days, months, years of joy and peace with Him in my life.

To say that I am not the person I was yesterday is an understatement. My world has changed, in ways that I can't even explain.

He's not the only one who found faith in the answer to a prayer...

What is Love

I'm a tad under the weather today...so this may not be my most coherent post.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about people's dramas and inability to recognize very obvious warning signs.

Some of them have resolved a few issues over the last few days. I basically want people to keep the peace. If they can manage that, then we're all good.

I got a text from an ex (the one I broke up with in Sept)...he wants to talk to me about his new sub. He doesn't even need to say it. I just know. Probably had sex, if his status on fetlife is anything to go by. The new girl doesn't like me, so I'd rather stay as far away from that mess as possible.

I was texting Sir when I mentioned the message I received. He knows all the recent happenings have been taking a toll on my emotional health. I told Him I can't keep doing it. I'm wearing myself out trying to fix other people.

His suggestion was to focus on the important things and let the rest go. I plan on doing such with a select group of people who appreciate the concern and love.

And He is someone I will be keeping close. As if there was any doubt, heh. He is my Sir and my love.

Speaking of love, I was thinking about actions versus words. I think it affected my dreams last night. In dream, Sir was there and told me "Love you too."

Something He's not said to me. Which is fine...if He says it, it'll be on His own terms.

I mentioned this to Him while we were texting. He wondered if it were unspoken desires. We talked long about it.

Truth is I was ready to write a post about this for today anyway. No, He's not said the words...but many men have. With lust in their eyes and hunger in their hearts.

He shows it, every day. In His actions and understanding. In how He comforts and protects me.

It's all we do for each other. That's love. The words are but confirmation of what is blatantly obvious.

The words are nice, comforting. But they don't hold a candle to the importance and benefit of actions.

Wednesday Night's Convo

The conversation the other night was quite long. Probably lasted at least 6 hours, with a few breaks.

It started with the normal conversation about each other's days. Moved to honesty, disclosure, polyamory and monogamy, my childhood, and my relationship with the boyfriend.

The stuff y'all want to hear about didn't happen until around 11 PM.

We transitioned via talking about the bf (more on that at another time) to us. That sets the tone for the following text:

"I am willing to put a man who I'm not even with before my relationship with him..."  (meaning Him over the bf)

"That's, ah, a bit of an obstacle, yeah. Heh, I don't really have words right now."

"I'm sorry..."


"It's not something to be sorry for. It is what it is. And yes, I do see it. And it shames me that I hesitate and wonder."

"*hugs*  I don't want it to shame you..."

"You have such a strength of conviction and of feeling."

"Remember when...in my kitchen that one evening...we talked about us, and my feelings for you. I said it was different, with you. I was clear headed. You said it couldn't be love, if i'm always irrational and love-blind at first...I've been thinking about that...maybe I'm actually approaching this in a healthy way for the first time in years. Taking the time to make sure it's right....It's been since July and I'm only more convinced by the day. I continue to force myself to be honest with you, even when I don't want to be....hell, I'm willing to be monogamous. I would not give or do that for just anyone. Do not take that lightly. Because I don't."


"I don't take it lightly at all. 

It's yet another part of why I hesitate and am slow, why I hold back and don't rush headlong into whatever this is. If I am to accept this, I want it to be for the right reasons, with the right motives, and with the right thoughts. I don't want you because you offer yourself, I want it to be because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it is what I want and that it is right. It would be a great disservice to walk into your life, sweep you off your feet, and carry you off only to find out that it's not real both ways, that this great gift you offer isn't reciprocated. You've had too many men who have done that and I won't add my name to that list. 

I could never forgive myself if I disrespected you or your love."

His last section of text is what took me by surprise. It also cemented that He's definitely worth waiting for, and He's one of the best men I've ever known. He wants to be sure and I have to love Him even more for that.

Then it became a little more explicit, lol...

You have charms it is hard to resist. were you here right now... I would probably not be very conflicted. not only would I snuggle the crap out of you, but you might wake the neighbors, lol.

He went on about His rope He'd found and all the lovely positions He wants to put me in on the 9th. Apparently being hogtied is on that list!!!

Also blow jobs where I'll be holding my breath (read: not being allowed to breathe) because He wants to see if varying positions help with the angles.

This was our Wednesday evening...y'all can see what happened Thursday. I have so much more to tell you. I'll be out of town this weekend but if I can manage, I'll have two posts scheduled. If nothing else, expect to see a post with some reactions from the last few days.

I'm a little stunned and in a happy place, for a number of reasons...not withstanding 9 orgasms yesterday...yeah, He watched me last night on cam as He ripped 5 more out of me. I am sore from moving muscles I haven't in awhile.

I am really, really happy. ^_^

Him and Them

I need to explain a few things about this blog. It began as my escape, a place to sort out my head. While that is still the case, it's also...heh, He may dislike this...but it's my letters to Him.

So much of the time what I say is two-fold: informative to the masses and a message to Him.

The post on the 2nd? That was all for Him. An expression that it's Him I'm madly in love with. Him that I crave and need within the depths of my soul.

In doing so, I downplayed my connection to Them. I'll call them K (the man) and R (the woman). I'm sure He was well aware of my doing such. Plus things were more uncertain with Him, at least in my mind. Whereas with Them, everything was/is really good.

Y'all are coming in late to this party so let me give you some back story.

One night a few months ago changed all of us. It bonded the four of us in a way we've yet to discuss and address. The timing still isn't right though. One day it will be and y'all will hear all about it, I'm sure.

He and I were on one couch. They were on another. We spent a couple of hours just talking and getting to know each other. K and I had conversed a few times over the last year or so but that was the first time meeting R. He didn't know either of Them.

To be clear, all three are Tops of some sort, really on the Dom/Sadist spectrum. Which means I was the one being picked on tormented played with the whole time.

It shifted when we ended up in play space. It started with her. That woman. She knows how to make me melt. K joined in. Wartenburg wheel and fingernails.

Mmmmm! *happy sighing*

Then They went to play for awhile with the demo stuff. He came over...I have pics of that. Him all intense and focused while I'm three steps from heavenly bliss. I wish I could share those with y'all just for the sake of understanding how awesome our connection was even at the beginning.

Then all three played with me. Tormented me with so much pleasure that I wasn't capable of speech. Even the voice in the back of my mind was quiet, for once. I'll admit, I kept looking for Him. Making sure He was close. I wouldn't have made it through that night without Him. Something of which He's been well aware.

The connection with K and R is nothing new. It's not nearly as abrupt or shocking as it likely appears here. This blog was not meant for anyone but Him. It'll still mainly be about His place in my life.

Given that They are the only other people fully aware of my reality, and the nature of Him & I, it makes sense They'll appear from time to time.

Next post I'll update y'all on where the four of us are kind of at currently. It's pertinent enough to Him and I that I should share it. I'll be quoting people a bit because the three of them are funny people. There's a reason why I'm as close as I am to those three.

Waiting

We're always talking religion. Last night was no exception. I have a book to read that He gave me. It's called "The Ragamuffin Gospel."

We managed to get the day together, as well as some time for just us. It was nice, so nice!

Oh don't look at me like that!!!

I told ya, we only had plans to snuggle and cuddle. Which we did. A lot.

I had my head in His lap at one point. He was playing with my hair, which was just uncooperative. Poor thing. I have to put a lot of crap in it to tame the beast that is my hair. Mousse likes to tangle my hair a bit. Okay, a lot. At least it wasn't it's usual poofy mess.

To be fair to my hair, He had ruffled it quite a bit. It had been put up, hastily taken down to snuggle earlier that day. We had a little time to cuddle while we watched a movie. Hair being up is not conducive to snuggling. There was wind, and a day's worth of fuss to it, so it was understandably non-cooperative...

But the playing with hair, His hand stroking my face...that was really nice. I was about to fall asleep on Him, though mainly the couch. I knew I couldn't stay but I wanted to. Just to stay right there in that moment.

Safe, protected, happy.

We talked about "us", as our conversation inevitably leads to there. How even in my dreams the man confuses me. I swear the night before last, I had a dream where He told me that "this" wouldn't work. Then maybe 10 minutes later in dream time said something along the lines of: I still care for you. This could work down the road....it was an assumed I want you to wait. I can't remember if He actually asked me to wait in the dream or not though.

Seriously, even my own head is fucking with me now...as if He wasn't enough.

While we were talking, He said that it'd be a terrible idea if He took me upstairs and did all the things He wanted to do to me.

Apparently fucking my brains out was on that list.

It is a terrible idea. Absolutely. But I was horny and for a brief moment I almost said, "what are we waiting for?"

At the same time, I was contently curled up with Him. We were having an excellent conversation. I didn't really want to move from that spot, not even for sex.

I enjoy looking up at Him. He's quite taller than me normally, but with my head on His lap...very different perspective. Mmmmm, I like!!!

I told Him I would wait. Hell, I am waiting. My mind is set. There are plenty of other people interested. I want Him, only Him...very different for someone who is typically very fluid in relationships. Very poly normally.

Doesn't matter. I want Him. It's the love I have for Him that gives me feelings I had long buried. Gives me hope and safety. Gives me strength.

He's the one who reaches out a hand, when my world is falling apart around me. He has been so good to and for me. He's an excellent friend, one of the best I've ever had.

How could I not wait for a man like that?

I think most wait with the assumption of "some day"...it's something we've talked about. But there is no assuming here.

So I will wait in action, and for a time when "this" has a chance to be "us".

What this could be is worth waiting to do it right. He's worth waiting for, always has been.

Seeing the whole picture

He and I need to talk. Seriously.

I thought I misread Him badly. He's missing a ton of stuff. Which either I haven't said or He just outright missed it.

He also sends out mixed signals, something He is fortunately aware of. Now He needs to bloody well find a solution.

Though, hmmm...upon further evaluation that actually might make sense. And with revelations that I don't believe He's aware of, a more middle ground might be found.

If nothing else, it should lead to a better comprehension on both our parts.

Please indulge my use of variables...

I believe He sees me as a culmination of parts which we will refer to as "x." This variable "x" takes into account quite a few aspects, mainly more recent occurrences in my life and who I am.

The variable of "z" will represent the "me" that I am presenting at a given time.

Now in actuality, I am more like an equation.

For example:

3x + 4y = z

Now the coefficients represent the intensity levels of such personality and experiential traits, reflecting a specific situation. As such an equation suggests that He is missing all of "y" and therefore can not reach the conclusion of "z." Hence why we often have so much that becomes lost in translation.

One way to naturally gather more clues to this equation that is me is to view more equations that represent different variations, depending on said circumstances. Such as:

5x + y = 3z

The variables remain the same, but the quantities of such variables differ and in turn affects the solution.
The equation can become more complex in that sometimes the solution can in turn affect the variables within:

x + 6y = z + 3

Or it can go so far as:

2x + y + 5g - 2h = 2z + t/h -3

And that is still a gross over simplification of who I am and what part of me I'm presenting at any given time. In the equation above, we get a much clearer understanding of how the right side of the equation can affect the left hand side. The left being internal, the right being external. There are more outside influences affecting the overall view.

Assuming He's only aware of "x" it's easy to see how the wrong conclusions are being made about each other.

This is why He and I need to talk. Fill in a few more of those variables, so He can see the bigger picture with more clarity.

I also apologize for using Maths for the examples. It was useful for how I wanted to explain how all the pieces relate to one another. If you didn't follow any of the above, I apologize. Don't think about it too hard.

I'm simply trying to suggest that people are far more complex beings than we give ourselves credit for. Given the complexities and depths of TTWD, viewing and understanding all such variables that can affect a person at any given time allow for greater comprehension. It also allows the outside person to react appropriately.

So yes, we'll talk. Probably I'll do a lot of the talking. Give Him clarity to what He's seeing behind the walls, and maybe open a few doors He hasn't yet ventured into.

Discovering a piece of my puzzle

He chuckled at my last post. Chuckled!!

He said it amused Him because He was positive we'd had that conversation before.

Well...maybe? But that's us talking. I have a lot of self-realizations when I talk with Him. The walls I keep up disappear for the most part, even the ones that I have to keep me from myself. I think that's part of His purpose for coming into my life: Clarity.

He was mainly amused because when we spoke, it was no great revelation for me. Maybe it all made sense to Him at the time...

Just poking fun at Him, lol

It usually takes me a while to catch up though. Or figure out what it means in relation to everything else.

I mentally struggle with the idea of coexisting independence and submission. My home environment dictated women be strong and capable. Men by experience were often weak and fallible. Yet, one gender was never placed above the other. The men who were good, were really good people. Men who set their own course in life and helped others along the way.

My formative years were wrapped around the experience of impressive men and living as equals to them. Bettering myself from the rest of the men. To say I have high expectations is an understatement. Those who are in my life are subject to standards. Partners even more so.

Fondles, commenting on my second to last post, was surprised at how clearly I saw my exes for who and what they are. Ah, but the standards I have are clearly marked. Those who don't live up to them, well it's very easy to delineate them as ineffective and dismiss them from there.

It occurs to me that prior Doms weakened me in order to gain control. They had no other means in which to do so. I see that now. As screwed up as I can be, I'm a very strong woman. It's not easy to be dominant around me. So my submission was used against me. Something to be mindful of in the future.

In my heart I know there is no real conflict between independence and submission. It's simply a rebellion in my mind. An independent sub in theory can be quite an effective one. Give a task and have the knowledge it will be completed. Assistance if needed may be a struggle but that's something that can be worked around. That is where dependence in a relationship is actually a good thing.

It's one positive that prior Doms have done for me. I have no shame asking for help. Some of the independent streak has been tamed. It is a carefully walked tightrope between compliance and independence. It's a matter of knowing when there's enough of one to not overpower the other.

Allow me too much freedom and I become petulant. A lost little girl looking for guidance. Suppress the independence, I become combative and resistant. I struggle in the chains that bind me, gasping for breath.

Weak men have allowed me too much independence. Foolish, destructive men have tried to tame a wild animal without success. Both have paid the price as I walked or dragged myself away from the relationship. The latter makes me laugh with wicked delight. Poor deluded souls. They don't even realize how powerless they truly were.

While I'm not currently seeking a Dom, I will be one day. The above is important and interesting. It will change how I approach people and new relationships. This is truly nothing new for me but all the pieces are beginning to click into place.

Getting to a Better Place

So I reread the posts I've written here...

How did I forget this post? And this one. This one too!!

Also nearly every conversation we've had.

Where the fuck has my head space been lately?? Because it sure as hell hasn't been grounded, at all. Did I over-analyze? I think I just up and lost my mind.

That man is too good for me. I think He knew I'd get it eventually.

The last two weeks have been screwed up, majorly. Maybe head trauma mixed with too many chaotic emotions. I really don't know.

But fuck, I was a bitch. Bratty. Spoiled. Distasteful.

Granted, I think getting all of that out in the open helped get me back on track. But damn was it messy along the way.

I fully apologized and He forgave me...because that's the kind of person He is. I think He realized I had to work some things out...if my last few posts didn't make that glaringly obvious.

I have a tendency to become so narrowly focused that I ignore everything else going on around me.

Beyond what's been going on here, the past few weeks have been emotionally taxing and draining...separately in both our lives. It's just added to a lot of the tension and pressure.

I hope from this point forward I can keep my shit together...remember the bigger picture. Be happy for what I do have.

Despite the chaos of the last few days especially...I've not lost sight of the fact that I am so blessed that He and I met. I cherish our friendship and the connection we've shared since day one. My life has had a lot more laughter and fun. I'd do well to remember that. Even more so remember how damn awesome this man is with all the support He's given me in the short time we've known each other.

So yeah, I'm in a better place. I think it'll lead to the two of us being in a better place as well. I've been extremely happy today. Lighter. Free. It's a good feeling. :)

Trust, Blow Jobs, & Waiting Patiently

We talked for hours last night. So much that I completely distracted Him from cleaning. My bad!

Each of us shared the internal feelings and struggle within. He hasn't dated anyone in two years. He took a break from all of it.

Of course He wonders how much of the attraction is based on loneliness and availability. There is a little from that.

I felt the same way. If that, because he was local and intriguing, I was trying to pursue someone I shouldn't.

The truth is there is something very real and genuine between us. We want to let that part grow and nurture it properly.

We spoke about oral sex. It all began with me saying: "I'm a sucker for you and your evil ways."

He made a joke about not literally...

We spoke about the boundaries that would shift. He might become more possessive of me, if we crossed that line. I left it up to Him.

Very submissive of me, I know. But I respect His boundaries and trust Him to make the right decision.

I'm going to dinner at His place over the weekend. Maybe watch a movie. Get all close and snuggly. Get my hair pulled. Yum!

We also agreed to take this very slowly. Ultra slow, if necessary. I'm in no rush. He wants me and some part of Him wants to throw caution to the wind.

He's too levelheaded though. I'm too content with the slow paced development.

Right now, it's still friends with benefits. Mainly friends.

He has just as much emotional baggage as I do. There's an incredible level of trust and safety with each other.

It's something we can help each other with, as we become closer.

I'm still not convinced I'm the type of woman He wants and needs.

Until He tells me otherwise, I have no intention of putting my heart on the line or wanting for more than what exists now.

Falling Hard

For the record: I'm falling. Hard and fast.

He stormed the castles of my mind...and I let him in. Let me say that again:

I LET HIM IN!!!

What was I thinking?! I have no clue. Probably not thinking. That was likely my problem.

The worst/best part: He wasn't even trying. 

Neither of us were trying. We wanted to avoid this actually.

The rules have been set. There's so much we're not saying.

I also know he's not mine. He'll never be mine.

I'm not what he's looking for, and I never will be that. Our core religious beliefs are too different. Contradicting.

The D/s power exchange between us is so right. It's easy. I let him in, he takes control. I'm so safe around him. I know he's not going to hurt or harm me. There's no fear, where there's always been fear and doubt.

I recognize a kindred spirit in him. He's a guardian of those around him. A protector. I'm the same way. People look to me for advice, help, strength. I'm a Libra, keeper of the balance. One of justice too. I see a similar responsibility in him.

I try so hard to keep him at a distance. I can't though. Not when he sees me so clearly. He's in my castle; I have no where left to hide.

Yet, he's not mine. I know it, deep within me.

He'll end up with another woman. One who thinks more like he does. Believes what he believes. He'll be happy.

My heart will hurt. These feelings I have will twist and turn. I will grow to resent the connection between us. Then I'll let him go because I won't hurt him for what can't be helped.

Knowing all of this and what the outcome will very likely be, I can't turn away from it. He's worth the eventual heart ache. I enjoy the friendship and companionship too much to turn away. It'll make up for any pain I may feel later on.

These words needed to be said. So that one day when I am in pain, I can look back. Remember why it was all worth it in the end.