Dom and sub Accountability

Yearning Letgo was apparently on the same train of thought as me today in her post here.

I've been thinking about accountability. Personal and within the confines of a D/s relationship.

D/s relationships by their very nature can only work when both people are doing what their role requires of them. Dominants must maintain an active control over the submissive, while the sub must actively submit to that control as necessary.

The Dom has clearly defined tools to keep the sub on the right path. Discipline, tasks, rules, punishments. However, at the end of the day, the sub has to WANT to submit. The desire must come from within. Or it would be like a man trying to push a mountain; it will never be done. What the Dom has are means to help and assist the sub.

By the same token, a Dom must want the power and control. It is not something that can be forced, coerced, or demanded of another. It must be a freely accepted need to take power over a sub.

What happens when a Dom needs focusing? Needs that nudge to continue on the path?

As a sub, I have had difficulty with this in the past. Expressing my needs and gently explaining what isn't being met can help. Not always though. It can seem like another burden being placed or seen as questioning the Dom's decisions. When one is new, or even in a new relationship, this can be a huge blow to the ego. Even for a good, well-intentioned Dom, it can be easy to feel like toes are being stepped on or even *gasp* that a sub is topping from the bottom.

It's been something on my mind lately. How to serve a Dom who is slowly stepping back into the role, after some years away. Then I was thinking more in the broader sense, for subs in general.

The answer was startling simple. For a Dominant, the use of dominance furthers the path of the submissive. Honed carefully by knowing the sub, in and out, so as to appropriately direct.

For the submissive then, the path to bringing a Dom back on track is submission. Service. Submitting. Stepping up and easing the burdens of the Dom to make life easier and more comfortable. Being available and of easy access, in an obvious yet non-aggressive manner.

It made sense as soon as I touched upon the idea. What better to draw forth dominance than by offering exactly what it craves, needs, demands? It seems simple, and it really is. It's keeping up with assignments and tasks. Sticking to rituals. Doing little things of service.

Is the morning rushed? Then make it easier. By the night before, laying out neatly everything necessary. Bathroom, kitchen, outfits. Whatever makes things easier. Is dinner regularly rushed and ill-planned? Make a schedule with planned meals ahead of time. Fill it with the Dom's favorites, especially on night's when you know it'll be a hectic/rough day at work.

Only the sub in question can know what is right for the Dom. Whether if and what will help reduce stress and burdens. But, if it seems like the dominance is fading a bit, being proactive can help the Dom see exactly what is so damn appealing about D/s. It'll also help the sub feel better as it's strengthening the submissive connection.

Something to think about, next time the submissive jitters are taking over. For that matter, the dominant ones too. Yes, nothing is a substitute for good, honest, open communication. But no one wants to be a nag and sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Pondering Faith and Religion

First off, we're good.

Decided to keep doing this like we have been.

That man is terrible for my peace of mind and sanity...but He more than makes up for it. Also, He's aware of how His influence is frustrating. It's enough that He's aware because we really can't fix it right now.

I got another glimpse at the man behind the Dom. See, He's layered. There's the gentleman, then the Dominant, and behind that is the man without any masks.

But honestly what's on my mind right now is religion. I was raised Catholic. My beliefs were strongly rooted. Until the doubts began, as young as 12 years old.

I fell for a girl and then another. All the while I still had feelings and attractions to guys. I kissed a girl for the first time at 13. I loved her for a long time. Carried her in my heart.

She's why I struggle with relationships with women. Because I let her in so deep. More than I let in any guy.

Yet, I would be condemned because the person I have loved most and wanted more than any other was someone of the same sex.

I admit I am pansexual. I love people because of who they are, not their gender. That feels far more accepting than a Church who would have people only be with the opposite sex.

I believe in energy that is in all things. It can go by many names. I see it as the divinity in all things, including the inanimate and what is not visible to the human eye. I've always believed that.

I miss the Church. I miss having beliefs that were easy. I miss belonging to something more.

At the same time, I can not go back to a belief that will never accept me for who I am.

The love I have for people, regardless of gender, enriches their lives. It's not harmful. I can't believe in a Creator that would say such love is sin.

Add in my polyamorous nature, and I really don't belong with Christianity.

So why am I thinking about it?

Because I know what it's like to be with someone whose beliefs are radically different. When I left the Catholic Church, it was ill-received by my family. I was condemned for believing something different.

I was reminded tonight of how different our beliefs are from each other. He said He's man of science and faith. I can't see how the two reconcile, but we'll go with that.

So I got to thinking in just a general sense. Could I ever go back? I don't think I could. Going to Church and believing are two very different things. I can't see myself believing in something so opposite of who I am.

It's one large obstacle between us.

He may be falling for me...there's definitely something there that has a lot of potential. We know I'm already in love.

However, given that we're nothing more than friends with benefits, it's a non-issue. It's something to keep in mind should things ever step up to another level.

It was just a thought path that led to two hours of thinking about faith and religion. It's not even about Him, really. I've thought about the Catholic Church a number of times in the last few years. I even attended Mass. But it's dark to me. It no longer has that warmth and the divine presence that I used to feel.

An interesting thought...but nothing more.

Falling Hard

For the record: I'm falling. Hard and fast.

He stormed the castles of my mind...and I let him in. Let me say that again:

I LET HIM IN!!!

What was I thinking?! I have no clue. Probably not thinking. That was likely my problem.

The worst/best part: He wasn't even trying. 

Neither of us were trying. We wanted to avoid this actually.

The rules have been set. There's so much we're not saying.

I also know he's not mine. He'll never be mine.

I'm not what he's looking for, and I never will be that. Our core religious beliefs are too different. Contradicting.

The D/s power exchange between us is so right. It's easy. I let him in, he takes control. I'm so safe around him. I know he's not going to hurt or harm me. There's no fear, where there's always been fear and doubt.

I recognize a kindred spirit in him. He's a guardian of those around him. A protector. I'm the same way. People look to me for advice, help, strength. I'm a Libra, keeper of the balance. One of justice too. I see a similar responsibility in him.

I try so hard to keep him at a distance. I can't though. Not when he sees me so clearly. He's in my castle; I have no where left to hide.

Yet, he's not mine. I know it, deep within me.

He'll end up with another woman. One who thinks more like he does. Believes what he believes. He'll be happy.

My heart will hurt. These feelings I have will twist and turn. I will grow to resent the connection between us. Then I'll let him go because I won't hurt him for what can't be helped.

Knowing all of this and what the outcome will very likely be, I can't turn away from it. He's worth the eventual heart ache. I enjoy the friendship and companionship too much to turn away. It'll make up for any pain I may feel later on.

These words needed to be said. So that one day when I am in pain, I can look back. Remember why it was all worth it in the end.