First off, we're good.
Decided to keep doing this like we have been.
That man is terrible for my peace of mind and sanity...but He more than makes up for it. Also, He's aware of how His influence is frustrating. It's enough that He's aware because we really can't fix it right now.
I got another glimpse at the man behind the Dom. See, He's layered. There's the gentleman, then the Dominant, and behind that is the man without any masks.
But honestly what's on my mind right now is religion. I was raised Catholic. My beliefs were strongly rooted. Until the doubts began, as young as 12 years old.
I fell for a girl and then another. All the while I still had feelings and attractions to guys. I kissed a girl for the first time at 13. I loved her for a long time. Carried her in my heart.
She's why I struggle with relationships with women. Because I let her in so deep. More than I let in any guy.
Yet, I would be condemned because the person I have loved most and wanted more than any other was someone of the same sex.
I admit I am pansexual. I love people because of who they are, not their gender. That feels far more accepting than a Church who would have people only be with the opposite sex.
I believe in energy that is in all things. It can go by many names. I see it as the divinity in all things, including the inanimate and what is not visible to the human eye. I've always believed that.
I miss the Church. I miss having beliefs that were easy. I miss belonging to something more.
At the same time, I can not go back to a belief that will never accept me for who I am.
The love I have for people, regardless of gender, enriches their lives. It's not harmful. I can't believe in a Creator that would say such love is sin.
Add in my polyamorous nature, and I really don't belong with Christianity.
So why am I thinking about it?
Because I know what it's like to be with someone whose beliefs are radically different. When I left the Catholic Church, it was ill-received by my family. I was condemned for believing something different.
I was reminded tonight of how different our beliefs are from each other. He said He's man of science and faith. I can't see how the two reconcile, but we'll go with that.
So I got to thinking in just a general sense. Could I ever go back? I don't think I could. Going to Church and believing are two very different things. I can't see myself believing in something so opposite of who I am.
It's one large obstacle between us.
He may be falling for me...there's definitely something there that has a lot of potential. We know I'm already in love.
However, given that we're nothing more than friends with benefits, it's a non-issue. It's something to keep in mind should things ever step up to another level.
It was just a thought path that led to two hours of thinking about faith and religion. It's not even about Him, really. I've thought about the Catholic Church a number of times in the last few years. I even attended Mass. But it's dark to me. It no longer has that warmth and the divine presence that I used to feel.
An interesting thought...but nothing more.
i was brought up catholic. i have had two girlfriends. i have had some boyfriends. i am sleeping with someone who is married.
ReplyDeletei have also given up on organised religion but when i feel the urge to, i go to mass. or novena. and i feel God. but i draw a clear distinction in my mind that it is the ways/rules of men that the church is based on.
recently there was talk of the vatican approving a tax for the catholic congregation of poland. my aunt is in germany and is subject to said church tax as well.
if you pay, you can go to mass. if you don't, they wont let you in.
how is that the work of God?
so i say to you, after having many thoughts about God, myself, that you can believe in a supreme entity, a deity, a force of good so strong that it can envelope you - without having to submit to the will of the church per se.
think about it.