DD and BDSM

I read a variety of blogs, though I tend to avoid sexually driven ones. I like my erotica, no doubt about that. Simply that's not what I come to blogger to read so you'll often find me on the more thought-provoking spectrum. In my wanderings, I've come across Domestic Discipline and follow blogs that practice it, as well as those who are trying to find their way with it.

Y'all may not like hearing this, but I see very little difference between the relationships of those involved in BDSM and DD. Granted, there are a few key differences but at the heart of the matter we're all people trying to find happiness in unconventional, though similar, ways. (I've seen the unspoken divide that exists between BDSM based relationships and DD ones. But we cover it up with the label TTWD)  That's why I find myself drawn to the individuals in whatever relationship they may have or are working towards, no matter what the label is--including the lack thereof. While the DD ones may be less sadomasochistic, and view the reasons why They Do What They Do for sometimes completely different reasons, the spirit of both kind of relationships are spot on to each other. Every blog I read revolves around love and power.

I am a member of my local BDSM community. I have friends who range in their variety of kink from around the globe. Let me tell you, no relationship looks identical. For instance, Lisa and her husband would more likely come across as DD if I tried to explain them to you. Except for the fact that their relationship has nothing to do with a HoH or a tiH. They also have their own set of personal kinks, yet the relationship has many similar underlying points in common with DD.

Where Sir and I fall when talking about labels is bit hard to explain. Partially because we sit at the edges of what could be and partially because I've yet to come across the appropriate words. He's not a traditional dominant personality. He would mirror more the HoH's than the typical Dom you'd find in a local BDSM community. Then again, I look about as far away from the typical submissive as one could get. I am very much a masochist. I like the pain. I can get off from Sir hitting me with toys, and have done so quite happily. So I don't quite fall under the DD realm either.

I've been unhappy in BDSM relationships for this very reason. The basic framework doesn't make me happy. Even the deviations away from it don't really do it for me. I have too much of a mouth on me. Not that I'm disrespectful in any way. I see past the games Doms and subs play. I don't play along and make it known that I don't. That I'm more than just submissive makes it more difficult to have a readily available label to describe who I am, even more so to describe what Sir and I are.

Okay, let me see if I can explain this a little clearer. From what I understand of DD relationships, limited as it may be, the focus is on bringing together the relationship using tools that aid communication and correct behavior. The physical punishment is a way to recognize and address improper behavior, followed up with dialogue as to why it's happening. It's not kinky and that's a vast difference. There is a distinct power exchange though and it is done out of mutual love and respect.

Punishment for those in BDSM relationship is still part of the kink because it falls under the D/s, M/s part of the relationship. That doesn't mean the punishment will necessarily turn-on either person. That's not productive punishing. Regardless, there is kinky behavior beyond punishments. Whether it's sadomasochistic in nature or a variety of other sexual kinks, it's a means to finding gratification. That is crucial to the BDSM relationship in a way that I've not seen existing in a DD relationship. The power exchange is often more obvious in these kind of relationships. Love is most of the time present (love being not necessary for some BDSM relationships), though it can be a little harder to find at first glance.

While not mutually exclusive, DD does seem to focus on the emotional aspects of the relationship which seem to be separate from the sexual lives of its participants while BDSM relationships are based more on the stimulating reactions via fetishes and kinks, whether physical or mental. There is obviously crossover but I don't think I'm wrong in suggesting that's how the majority of those relationships are played out.

Sir and I find ourselves somewhere in between. I think that's why I like the blogging community so much, as we're not alone in this regard. Our local BDSM is very physical, very fetish oriented and I know that is the norm across the US. There's nothing wrong with that but it's not us.

For us, it's almost as if someone took a BDSM relationship and blended it with DD. When Sir has me work toward being productive towards personal growth and healing, He doesn't do it as my Dom. When He takes me to task for not taking the best physical care of my health, it's not as my Dom. However, He's not speaking as just a friend either. He tells me exactly what I need to hear, probably unconsciously using the "powerful voice"  to let me know what the realistic options and outcomes are. He always ultimately leaves the decision up to me because He'll never force me to do anything.

Sir doesn't let the issue go though. Oh no, that would be too easy. As long as the issue is present, He'll continue to tell me everything I most likely don't want to hear. Everything that I need to hear until I make good decisions for myself. It doesn't help that He's right about what I need.

Not to mention that I use masochism in a similar way to DD relationships use maintenance. Pain is pleasurable for me, yes. It does so much more for me than that. It resets me and quiets the chaos of my mind. It is a healthy, productive, loving way to take a break from reality. When I come down from that high, I'm able to face the world with a calm and strength that I normally don't have. When we scene with pain, I'm less likely to fight Sir on good decision making.

When I go too long without it, everything becomes more difficult and I wander from the power exchange. I start doubting and it gives the depression a foothold into my mind. With the power exchange, love, and a little pain, I'm able to be a much happier, stable me.

This is why I've found my way to both BDSM and DD blogs. Because each group, and all those who fall somewhere along each end of the spectrum, speaks to the blossoming and growing relationship between us. I may not always understand either side completely, but seeing the variety of what people do to make their relationships work, allows me to better understand my wants, needs, and desires.