...and failing miserably.
No, not really lol. It is something we do struggle with and have from day one.
We can never have simple and easy conversations. I always knew Sir was a little different, but last night I got a much better understanding of what that really means. The last year suddenly makes sense. All those little connecting pieces that I saw but didn't understand; now I see what was going on.
I wasn't the only one learning last night either. I was furious because I perceived a situation one way, while He was frustrated because He had a completely different take on what was being said.
Story of this blog.
We're absolutely fine. We should be able to go back to happy fairly easily. Simply because we're both happy with the level at which we are. Actualizing it would be nice, at some point. But I am very happy taking this slowly, making sure this is right.
To give y'all an idea of what was going on, over the last two years I've been coming out of a dark depression. So deep that I was not myself for a few years. The person that people met wasn't really me, and as I've come back out of that shell, it's thrown off some people. Others see the happier, more complete version and have embraced me with open arms.
The ideas that were solidified for my life choices during this time have been taking quite a mental beating for the last year. In that process, I'm trying to take the many subsets of my personality and make them one person again. That Sir interacted with several distinct and separate subsets last night is nothing short of disturbing. There's only me, but I'm fractured within. The therapist is aware and we're working on it.
At the heart of the internal struggle are the choices I've made in regards to relationships. The choice of polyamory and being involved with BDSM are the two major sources of conflict. Even from the beginning, BDSM was a conflict. I was far more whole and self aware then too.
I'm trying to sort this all out before I decide to take any step in any direction, in regards to relationships. I'm trying to figure out why I feel guilty about playing with other people. Trying to process that one person can actually hit my major relationship needs. If there's one person who can be that for me, there must be more people like that in the world. What does that mean for me? Does it mean monogamy? Or is that a sign for a more fulfilled polyamorous life? I don't have any of these answers yet, and there are more questions than answers.
As I've been trying to discover answers, I've been wanting to talk about it with Sir. Not because I believe He'll have the answers or that this is something He could decide for me. But instead because He's my best friend and often while talking with Him about issues, things become clearer. Unfortunately, He misread the intent. Thought it had to do with talking about progressing things between us. Having grasped a better understanding of Him, I know why He thought that.
There was also a misunderstanding with the idea of "what-ifs" and talking about long term ideas. I see them as getting to know another person, understanding them better. It's an intellectual discourse to possibly find potential problems as well as mutual desires. For my past relationships, this was fairly normal. It was not a promise or commitment for more. It wasn't even a desire for more. Simply part of the relationship experience.
That's not how He saw it, nor everything I've said along those lines for the past several months. Because He backed off from those conversations, for reasons I now understand, it fueled the doubts of Him staying. Part of me believed He was just having fun and wasn't entirely interested in me for who I am, but for the fun I could offer.
All of this has been a huge misunderstanding of how we both think and operate for probably the entire time we've known each other. Everything I learned last night is why there was always road blocks between us. Hopefully we've got it sorted out now. If not, we'll just have another two hour conversation in the attempt to understand one another.
I don't know if any of this will make sense. But this post is not necessarily for you, my dear readers. It's for me to come back to and understand this moment. To remember that even when I'm damn furious with Him, we somehow find our way through it.