Thursday, July 4, 2013

With a little luck

It's been an uphill battle in my mind for the last week. I wish I could say I've been handling it with grace, strength, and determination but those would be lies. My submission is no where to be found, though that may be for the best for the present. I have been angry all the time and crying my eyes out nearly as often.

There is very little in my past that I've properly processed and healed from, unfortunately. I lived with the grief, the torment of my mind, as a daily part of my life for many years. I reached the lowest point one can reach, which is when I began suppressing and then repressing.

I sought to alleviate myself of the pain by hiding it away. I knew no other way to cope with or move on from the overbearing emotions that ravaged my mind. I thought that was healing. Forget the past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future.

Yet, the past would resurface now and then. Triggers. The depression always lingered, many times beyond my awareness. I was too busy trying to push everything away to recognize what was happening to me. Only looking back do I see how much I've changed, and not necessarily for the better.

I am terrified of letting it all resurface. The therapist wants it to come back in little pieces. Not examine everything at once but a narrowed focus on one issue at a time. Heh, the walls I built don't work like that. It's a fortress. Once inside, there is no looking at one piece at a time. In the wandering, the past will come looking and so long as I'm in the dark depths, it will all eventually come back.

Theoretically, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It's already begun and will continue until either I'm able to process everything, or until I shove everything back where I've been hiding it. To hide the pain and darkness, I locked up good memories as well. It's all an interconnected web, hence why I can't pull out little bits while not dragging the rest with it.

I spent a lot of my life so far looking for the very things I have now. Love, in all its forms. I'm learning love doesn't have to come at a price. That who I am is enough to be worthy of love. I don't have to resent their help because it's not selfish. There's not one cage being replaced for another. Sir is not the only one who wants to see me free. He does meddle the most, trying to fix me. But not in the way I've encountered previously.

A friend of Lisa's told her this morning that while she was praying, she received a message to pass along to Lisa. She then in turn asked me about it because she didn't really understand. "All lasting change starts within."  When I read that earlier today, I knew it wasn't for Lisa alone. Especially after the night I had, and I'm all too aware of when the universe is speaking to me.

Sir isn't trying to manipulate me, like others have. He doesn't tell me to do anything or be a certain way. He may nudge me in the right direction but the choice has always been mine. It has to come from me, or the healing, the change will never stay. It has to be from within.

The bad memories aren't the only ones coming back to me. It's been a while since I've smiled while remembering the past. The harm people caused doesn't negate the good memories, and the good doesn't excuse what people did. I've been trying for years to understand how the two could co-exist with common persons. I think I'm beginning to understand.

I dreaded the past coming back to light. In many ways, I still do as I know there's a long, uphill battle that's yet to come. But if there is more good than I remembered, maybe I can stop living in fear. Maybe find the "me" I lost along the way.

Maybe, with a little luck...


  1. A little luck and hard work. You CAN do this! You have already started. Sure it's going to painful & scary & overwhelming! But you have your therapist to help you .. Sir & your people to help to comfort you & to prop you up when you cannot do it alone.

    JAS are doing great!!!! It may not look/feel like it from the inside but you ARE!!!!


  2. I do think it gets darker before it gets lighter, but I don't have depression as such, just uninhibited anxiety. I am glad that you have support and are pushing forward, even when it is hard.

  3. You can (and are doing) hard things.

    I have every confidence in you that you will come out on the other side of this dark tunnel to see the sun beaming down. Work for that. We're here for you.