Food is my pleasure and downfall

I've not had much to write about until today. Life has been vanilla. So frickin vanilla. Sunday was completely vanilla, way more than I expected. And of course I started a new diet that day. Plus I was lucky enough to manage food at all when most restaurants batter and fry everything. Yet we wonder why this country has obesity problems.

Speaking of diets, I restarted Atkins. Last summer I was doing a modified version of stages 3 and 4. Moderate starch carb intake with lots of fresh foods. Since then, I've not been doing so well. At one point this summer, I was 40 pounds heavier than I was last summer. Scary stuff. It happened gradually and I never got control of it. I had a severe wake up call when none of my summer clothes fit. I haven't put near as much effort into weight loss as I should have since then.

One of my fav foods. Rice cake, nutella, peanut butter.
Heaven that tempts me so bad, lol!!!
Though I use WAY more nutella and peanut butter! :-P

Why? Well, I like food. I like starch carbs and sugars. I was convincing myself that I was do everything in moderation when obviously I was far from it. When I would acknowledge the weight gain, I would go between beating up myself to thinking, "I want to eat these foods. I won't let it get any more out of control. The weight has stabilized here. I don't want to diet and give up everything I enjoy eating. And if they love me, they'll love me regardless if I'm at this weight or if I'm thinner."

There is some truth to all of that. But I was not eating healthy. I can spin it however I like but I wasn't. My body has a difficult time processing starch carbs; it always has. I have to be extremely active (as in several hours of cardio/exercise per day) to handle a normal range of starch carbs. And my body is no longer up for that challenge. I've been denying that very idea for years. More years than I'd like to admit.

The one great thing about the Atkins diet is that it keeps me far more mindful of using fresh ingredients, which is actually a big deal for my health. I have an allergy to soy that has progressed to extremes as well as a gluten-intolerance. Prepackaged and processed foods won't cut it now or ever again. Eating out is going to be a pain in the ass but hopefully still manageable.

I've been good this whole week keeping to the Induction stage...except for coffee. I like coffee too much. And I love creamers and splenda. Sir can attest to how much of a frickin coffee fiend I am, haha!! Someone is liable to get stabbed if I don't get coffee, and considering I'm close to that by not having all the sugary carbs I want, I get to keep my coffee. But for the rest, I'm really on top of everything. I've already lost 5-6 pounds and I feel INCREDIBLE. Yeah, I know. It means my body likes being fed this way better.

One thing Sir really admires about me, once I get an idea and want to pursue it, I make it happen. Typically immediately, I'm all over it. I decided I was going to get back to eating healthy and I started that day. Hopefully I can continue with it and stick to eating better overall. I do love all the fatty meat I can eat so I guess that kind of makes up for lack of sugar cabs. And once I do lose the weight, then I can splurge every now and then.

I do have legitimate fun things to talk about but this post has taken on a life of its own, heh. So I'll tell you about all the nifty planning that Lisa and I have been doing for our birthdays next time. Our bdays are only a few weeks apart and we're planning an incredibly fun getaway for us. :-D

Context Is A Beautiful Thing

There have been things going on lately that I haven't mentioned here. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can be myself around the people I care about, for the first time. And everyone was like, "Oh, now that makes sense." Context is a beautiful thing.

Because of the issues with the Ex and I, and numerous mutual friends, I've kept certain bits under wraps. I don't have to anymore. Everything is out in the open. I talked about Sir and Chris with people. People have guessed about Sir, but Chris was a surprise. Though all the trips out to our home state where Chris still lives make more sense. Again, context. :)

So yesterday, friends of mine were hosting a small picnic for one of the local munch groups. I am envious of all the privacy and foliage they have. Everyone had a fantastic time. Vanilla-ish. As much as we all can be vanilla. Rebecca may have been flashing her panties quite often. Various gropings. That's what I consider vanilla....and y'all wonder why Sir worries. LOL!!

I am so much happier. Everyone could see it. Kevin and I had a LONG conversation about Sir and Chris. Basically what happens next and do they really know what they're getting themselves into. Ummm, maybe? I honestly have no clue what comes next. I lamented the fact that I can't just tell them "This is how it's going to be!"  which of course had Kevin cracking up. He flat out told me that they'll argue with me, and agree with each other. That's why they're good for me.

Shush all of you! I hear that giggling!

I'm also more than welcome to call Kevin and Rebecca when the guys and I finally sit down to talk everything out. Even if it's just to say, "Omg they're both idiots!"  Those were his words, not mine. Yeah, Kev might know me a bit too well. :-P

There were serious bits to the conversation that very well need to be addressed. Awkward conversations ahead! But ya know what, I'm too happy right now to really be bothered by that. It'll get sorted out. They've tolerated each other's presence in my life for a year now. Oh the horrors that have occurred....which would be none. If anything they've worked in conjunction to make me a healthier, happy person.

This is also why Kevin was laughing at me. Because I have a more functioning poly triad than most of the poly people we know. It may be undefinable as hell in every other aspect but it functions really well. Chris and I see one another just enough that we don't kill each other. Sir and I function really well as the primary, more every day relationship.

So yes, I'm happy. Really, really, really happy. :)

Replacing Old Scars

I was busy cleaning my house yesterday. There's an ongoing battle with dirt and dust that I'm never going to win. Maybe one of these days I'll come to accept that. Don't worry, I won't bore you with the details of cleaning. :-P

No, instead I want to talk about a dull ache that started yesterday evening. An ex-Dom of mine helped me set up a schedule for managing my house more efficiently. As I was cleaning, I was reminded of that time of my life. And no matter how much I wish otherwise, that ache exists.

I don't regret the relationship, even though Sir thinks it was such a terrible idea. Hindsight is everything. There's an unexpected ache and sadness. I don't much care for it. He wasn't in my life long, no more than a total of 4 months. This was about 2 years ago. He was a strong dominant presence, which is why those 4 months feel more like years. He never demanded submission from me but I knew that if I wanted him to stay in my life that was something I would have to give.

And I did, to levels I never fully explained to anyone. In ways and to depths that no one before or since has come close to reaching with me. I know it all happened much too quickly. I was overwhelmed and eventually when I needed a breath of air to think clearly, it all came apart.

It's as if I can see white scars lacing my flesh where that relationship was violently pulled apart at the seams. Truly it's no wonder that there's an ache.

I've told Sir that freedom doesn't sit well with me. It hasn't since that D/s relationship. So why is it that I'm more comfortable in this relationship with Sir than I've ever been before?

That's the question I've been mulling over for the last few days. We've had our differences, arguments, and misunderstandings. We've both been frustrated with the other. Yet I don't feel any lasting anger or divisions over them, though maybe a touch of sadness when I think back on those moments. That in itself is strange, but maybe explainable.

With the ex I mentioned above, upon reflection it feels like I was wearing a harsh steel collar with a leash continuing to his hand. A pre-made instrument in which I had to fit the mold of what the man wanted in order to keeping wearing it. Keep my place at his side. I couldn't be that person no matter how much I tried. But while it lasted, I never once felt free. If anything, I was too tightly caged up.


I'm all about balance. That's ultimately why past relationships have never worked.

There's also something new. If it's not clear, I'm far from free. I feel the gentle pressure of Sir's ownership at all times. He may not always openly admit it, but it's true. When I'm out with kinky friends, and Sir isn't there, my heart aches for His comforting presence. I often internally filter people's comments. Sir may not order me to tell Him about what kinky things I get into, or what I do. He'll never have to as I'll always give that freely.

I'm Sir's. No way would I let anyone do a damn thing to me that He didn't know about. He has said He believes in free will. Doesn't want to take my choices away. My choice is to belong to Him, with all that entails. :)

I realize there's a new collar and leash I sense. A soft, strong collar woven out of trust, time, and respect. But the links of the chains in the leash are fragile. Easily damaged and broken. Each built with each step forward. Sometimes we pull too hard in either direction, fracturing the links. And those rare occasions where we've both pulled away from one another. We've come back each time to heal and mend what's been broken. Each time making the links just a little bit stronger.

I may stand proudly, even defiantly most of the time. "Me? Bend before another?" with a skeptical look. I defy Doms on a regular basis. More than with just Doms, I put myself in the line of fire at any given time. I'm opinionated and stubborn strong willed. I'm no passive submissive and I'm definitely no doormat.

Sir accepts all of that and more. I think He may enjoying watching. I'm certain I amuse Him. Hehe! It takes a strong man to command a personality like mine. I had an idea of what that would look like. But it's been Sir who managed it best. With His slow and steady pace, His patience for me, every deliberate step He took and continues to takes. His is not an overt strength of power. It's a deeper bond and connection.

As with everything, Sir has been my greatest source of healing. Though scars of the past may linger for now, and there is the occasional ache of pain, He will do what He does best. The scars will fade. The ache will become a distant memory. Something new and far better is already replacing them.

Love, strength, protection. :)

Toeing The Line

I met with my therapist earlier today. My next appointment is in two weeks. I told Sir that if He wants to come and is able, He's more than welcome to do such. Therapist is interested in meeting Sir. Chuckled a bit about it actually. Then I mentioned something Sarah said to me over email about Sir and I, and He really started laughing.

It apparently has something to do with being "so in love" with each other. My first thought is "Oh god, we're gonna be one of those couples, aren't we? Ugh!"  Of course accompanied by an eye roll. I've been part of the couple before that makes all their friends nauseous. I had rather hoped not to repeat the experience, lol. :-P  The only saving grace being Sir is rather reserved in public. That still might not be enough...

The therapist and I were discussing/joking about various religions. His wife is Catholic, but not overly so. I may have made a mention that Sir is very Jesus focused. I absolutely respect Sir's beliefs, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I want to point out the obvious to Christians...they believe in a zombie man with super powers. Or that Christians are really born-again Jews. Which is how the therapist and I got joking about magic underwear. Don't even get us started on Scientology, which is more of a cult than a religion.

And this is why I like my therapist, lol.

Sir's really happy about that too. Taking a tiny bit of pride that He was right. Jerk. :-P

Also, really glad I have wiggle room on this blog to speak my mind. Because there's no way I would say half these things to Sir in person. I just have a feeling calling Him a jerk wouldn't go over well, even if it was only in jest. I know the look I'd get. The amused, but toeing the line look.

This reminds me of a conversation we had a few weekends ago actually. I enjoy getting barehanded spanked on my ass. It's lovely! Sir mentioned how He doesn't care for that as much as it hurts His hand too. The price of having a well-behaved sub?? Hee hee! But really, I simply enjoy the feeling of His hands on me and there's no implement in the world that can match that. Maybe I can talk Him into that one of these days. :)

Speaking of toeing lines, this Saturday should be interesting. My inner Sadist has a way of instigating Dominants. Sometimes confused for being a brat, but no. Just a sadistic streak that gets me in trouble because I can't back it up when confronted with actual Dominance. This is why Kevin and Rebecca are amused with me fairly regularly. I'd assume Sir feels the same way. Though Sir can still me with a look or a touch better than anyone else, because He's my Sir. No other explanation needed, lol.

Making A Point

On Sunday, after all the fun vanilla happenings, Sir and I talked for a while. He said something to me that I'm still mulling over in my mind a week later. Furthermore, He admitted He intentionally worded it in a way that my mind would have to process. He told me that He can't walk away from me. The very thought of it causes Him physical distress. He then proceeded to tell me that I got what I wanted.

No, I think not...

From the moment He said those words, I've been mentally staring suspiciously at them while taking a cautious few steps back. Hell, I even talked to the therapist about what Sir said because my mind hasn't been able to accept them.

He says I'm a responsibility that He willingly chooses. (we may have had a brief tiff over definitions last night over what responsibility means)  But if He can't walk away...

I know the intent behind the words. I've known...for months...that we're stuck with each other. OH. I see what He did there. Clever man.

The fears that He's going to leave??  Because He made me think about it, my mind was able to bring up supporting behavior. Oh, He's good. The man knows me too well, heh.

Which the idea that He's not going to leave presents its own fears and concerns, simply because up until this point He hasn't let me remain stagnant. I know that's not going to change until He sees me healed and functioning.

I have all these shiny and functional walls to hide things behind. It's never been any use though. He's seen through them from the beginning. Not only the bad pieces, but apparently the core of me that's hidden away for self-preservation. A woman of fire and iron, who won't bend or break to anyone. He said she's pretty to look at, and I know He wants to meet that woman one day. He will, we all know it.

Ya know, damn Him for using the way my mind works to prove His point!! Lol! It's such a...Dom thing to do! Takes all the stubborn wind right out of me. Of course, I'm left feeling completely cherished because of His near infinite patience with me. And that He willingly stays by my side through the worst moments. And wishes that He could shelter me from the pain that will come on the road to getting better, not to mention wanting to carry me through to the other side.

Yet He still feels like He should be doing more. Yeah, He made a believer out of me. He's not going anywhere. The point has been made very clear with waving flags, sparklers and flashing neon lights.

Okay Sir, I give in. You're not going to leave. :-D  I can live with that.

Interesting Moments Between Friends

Yesterday was a good day, both in my head and being around the people who make me happiest. A couple times a month, I get a group of people together. Last night was on the smaller side, only 7 or 8 of us. It'll pick up once the summer is over. It's always good to catch up with people. Sir, Rebecca, and Kevin were all in attendance. It was what I needed.

Though I will say they all pick on me something terrible!! It's so easy to get under my skin. Good thing I love them regardless. The resident "Pope" had me laughing so hard that I nearly fell to the ground several times. There's an inside joke related to that name, obviously. Though at one point my little was out, Pope and I were horsing around poking each other and me pushing him. Sir deepened His voice acting like our father, telling His "kids" to stop fighting or He'd turn the parking lot around. Pope got right into it, saying things like "But Dad! She started it!" I was too busy trying not to fall on the ground laughing to contribute!!

We were outside the restaurant bullshitting at this point. It's something that tends to happen, lol. A car passed by at a bit of a distance screaming something at us. Pope starts yelling back with the funniest shit. "I have a small dick!!" and "I'll suck your cock!!" at the top of his lungs in an angry voice.  I about lost it, to the point where my stomach muscles still hurt this morning. It should be noted that Pope was yelling these things to a woman. That makes it ten times better! She started it but Pope finished it and won that battle ten times over.

These are the people I call my friends. Should tell you a lot about me. :-D

So I've been seeing Sir quite a bit lately and I'm loving it!! I also saw Him on Sunday. We went to the movies with a friend of His, and the friend's Dad. Now, before I go into this, I have to tell you about how I met this particular friend of Sir's.

It was at the local renn faire last summer. I was there with kinky friends, people who for the most part are fairly open about that fact. One of the booths was all floggers and other fun toys. I know, at a renn faire!! Well I didn't see Sir approaching but it's early on in the day, no kids were around. I'm getting flogged through my costume/outfit to "test out the product"...for science. Hee hee!! So Sir approaches with His friend as this is going on. And His friend very much saw what was happening. I give the friend a lot of credit because he was very nice and has never brought it up since. From what I understand, Sir had to have an interesting conversation about kink. Not sure if He admitted to what He likes or simply said He has strange friends.

Now, every time I see this friend of Sir's, this is all I can think of. Apparently the feeling is mutual because Sir said there was a tone of voice when Sir told him that I'd be going along with them on Sunday. Not a bad tone, but a very clear, "I remember her" tone. I should not be as proud of that as I am. :-D

And this is why I'm not allowed to meet some of Chris's friends...

Anyway, I played the vanilla role quite well. I was completely appropriate. Okay, my top might have been a touch revealing with lots of cleavage but I didn't know the friend's Dad was going to be there. I am far more respectful in dress around people's parents. I'm sure some residual effect from my childhood and my mother enforcing appropriate behavior. Whereas people my own age and younger (to a point) get me as I am, typically with lots of cleavage.

The guys talked video games, trying to convince me to play some PC game that I can't remember the name of. Yes, Sir is geeky/nerdy. I'm okay with that, as long as He knows that I personally won't be playing video games. The friend's Dad and I ended up talking about books. "So what have you been reading lately that you could recommend?", he asked. Well shit, I've been reading kinky romance novels via Kindle mainly. So I give a vague answer of mainly free books on Kindle and I threw out one of my favorite fantasy series.

If it's not obvious, I don't have to be around vanilla people very often. Typically it's for something specific so I can keep the topic focused. Socially, I tend to stay with kinky people. I do keep up with politics and world affairs but that's not exactly social conversation. My current task is to find vanilla things I can talk about with people without outing myself in any way. We live in a fairly conservative area. I doubt being a LGBTQ activist would go over well in conversation either.

I'm going to have to go back to reading classic literature that's all there is to it!! LOL But not early American. Can't stand that. Give me translated Greek works any day!

Other than some awkward vanilla moments, Sunday was just as fun. Hopefully Sir's friend thinks a little better of me. He was definitely out of his shell more so here's hoping! I can be a perfectly respectable vanilla woman when I need to be. Though I do try not to need to be fairly often. :-P

Blowjob in the Park

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Gardening As Therapy

I'm not exactly doing okay but I have been keeping myself busy. This morning I pulled weeds from the front garden as well as put more mulch down. There was something relaxing and rewarding about the whole task. Though I've always been the kind to get lost in a garden.

I wish I had taken a before picture, but it really would have been too embarrassing to post online. Just imagine weeds everywhere, trying to smother my pretty plants. The ivy I still need to get rid of? You can see it on the bottom of the porch. It was choking my plants from underneath, bastards. But now it's pretty and I no longer feel like the disgrace of the neighborhood. :-P

My one neighbor had the right idea of planting a giant shrub that he has only to trim a few times a year. I have more weeding to do in the backyard as well. Owning a home: the projects never end!!

Earlier I was invited to a friends for a small get together, for tomorrow afternoon. That should be fun and take my mind off of the recent struggles. I'm hoping Kevin and Rebecca will be there. If not, I will see them and Sir on Tuesday.

Not too much kink is happening but honestly there's too much going on in my head right now to play consensually. We'd probably only do more damage than good. Sir has been very good to me, as if that is any surprise. Yesterday He sent me a text saying, "How's the girl that makes me happy and smiley doing?"  It was so sweet that I couldn't help but smile. Damn Him for ruining my depressive funk. No, He has to go about being adorable and lovey. This is why I love Him so much. :)

Though I need to work on not acting like He's going to leave me all the time. I can see how that would be frustrating. He's given me no reason to doubt Him. In fact, He's proven time and time again that He's loyal to a fault. And...He says I keep up walls in my friendships. I guess I'll have to work on that too. I can't promise any overnight changes but I do promise to work on both of those issues.

I did see Sir last Saturday but we both agree that it feels like it's been far longer. Tuesday cannot come soon enough! I am never going to get enough of that man. :)