Party

There's a party today, which I'm sure is going to be a cluster fuck. After talking with a number of people, no one knows what the demo presentation is actually on. The title is "Resistance Play" and I've heard anything from interrogation to rape play to grappling. That last one I think was a BS response by one of the leaders to appease people's minds. Yes, it's as bullshit as it sounds.

Either that or no one would bottom to anything else with this presenter. Basically this entire event has been screwy from the beginning.

On the bright side, I get to spend time with Sir! Yay! I've already been promised lots of hugs and cuddles.

And if that demo is on consensual-nonconsent, will NOT be watching. That's something I can do with Sir, only Him because there's a level of trust and an ongoing relationship. I will trigger being around a scene like that. He told me last night that He'll be there for me if anyone gives me shit about it.

The best part about all this is that the presenter was announced after many people bought their tickets to go to this event. The whole point was to have a play party. It got turned into an ego-stroking event for one of the group's leaders.

Yet Sir wonders why I love it so much here in Blogland and want to be a hermit from the rest of the world. Out there is crazy. Here? Been nothing but wonderful people and a great support system.

On another bright side, I am feeling better from earlier in the week so I should get to play with Sir!! He may have to go a little easy at first, just to be sure. Other than that though, it's all good! And if we can't play, there's always those lovely snuggles. :)

What is Love

I'm a tad under the weather today...so this may not be my most coherent post.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about people's dramas and inability to recognize very obvious warning signs.

Some of them have resolved a few issues over the last few days. I basically want people to keep the peace. If they can manage that, then we're all good.

I got a text from an ex (the one I broke up with in Sept)...he wants to talk to me about his new sub. He doesn't even need to say it. I just know. Probably had sex, if his status on fetlife is anything to go by. The new girl doesn't like me, so I'd rather stay as far away from that mess as possible.

I was texting Sir when I mentioned the message I received. He knows all the recent happenings have been taking a toll on my emotional health. I told Him I can't keep doing it. I'm wearing myself out trying to fix other people.

His suggestion was to focus on the important things and let the rest go. I plan on doing such with a select group of people who appreciate the concern and love.

And He is someone I will be keeping close. As if there was any doubt, heh. He is my Sir and my love.

Speaking of love, I was thinking about actions versus words. I think it affected my dreams last night. In dream, Sir was there and told me "Love you too."

Something He's not said to me. Which is fine...if He says it, it'll be on His own terms.

I mentioned this to Him while we were texting. He wondered if it were unspoken desires. We talked long about it.

Truth is I was ready to write a post about this for today anyway. No, He's not said the words...but many men have. With lust in their eyes and hunger in their hearts.

He shows it, every day. In His actions and understanding. In how He comforts and protects me.

It's all we do for each other. That's love. The words are but confirmation of what is blatantly obvious.

The words are nice, comforting. But they don't hold a candle to the importance and benefit of actions.

Helpless

My community is crashing and I don't know what to do about it.

I see it all and I'm helpless to stop it from happening.

Two friends are being blind about a man who is only using them as a status symbol. Even when confronted by all the evidence, most of which they've gathered on their own, they still fall right in line and believe his bull shit.

Another two friends are terrible for each other because they have no clue how to communicate. And it's sent a horrific spiral throughout our close-knit group. Because of their inability to have a reasonable conversation, the physical health of two people outside of their "whatever the fuck they are" were put in danger.

A predator has returned, as has his victim. Though she's mentally unstable, or was the last I heard from her. And she's a predator in her own sense, in that she is desperately searching for a Dom at least half her age.

A female friend is traveling from one poly group to the next, completely lost. She's going to really fuck herself up mentally/emotionally if she doesn't get a hold of reality. Reasonable expectations are necessary for a healthy relationship...I've learned that lesson first hand.

K and R were having some issues. I think they're all good now. But it had a bit to do with me, semi-indirectly. At least I think I helped with that situation.

But I feel utterly helpless. I want to be furious and shake sense into these people. I know it won't do any good.

I'm empathetic. I want to help fix the people I love. I hurt when they hurt. I stress more when the people around me are freaking out. When Sir is having a bad day, I feel it deep within me. It's a motivational tool to help people.

And Sir...He has issues of His own right now. Work stuff. I'm worried about Him. There's nothing I can do besides be there for Him. Also, be good and not be needy until He can sort things out internally. Working on the being good part. I forgot my daily report last night. My punishment is guilt and humiliation, in that He's going to remind me of it for awhile.

A consistent jab at my mistake. But there's a lesson in there. Reinforcement. Get me to the point where it becomes ingrained. I understand it, even as it hurts.

I just want people to be happy. I feel absolutely powerless to help them.