Some Days Need To End And Be Forgotten

I won't even go into the nightmare that today was. I don't want to relive it, ever. Just know that I have my furniture and those people will never see another cent from me. Which is sad for them because I adore antiques.

Thank god, the saints, the angels, any and all pantheons, heck any divine being that may exist that I got to see my Sir today!!! I surely would have cracked with blinding rage and stress otherwise.

He helped me decompress. Granted, I'm still feeling the effects the anger left behind. I think I stop breathing properly which my body doesn't agree with at all. Here's to hoping a good night's sleep will do me good!

So, as great as it was to see Him, I received some displeasing news. Not only is His work taking Him from me this first week of June, it's now been decided that He has to go away on the 12-14th. His birthday is the 12th. It's great for His job as it means more training. That's awesome and I'm very happy! But why, heavens above WHY did they need to take Him from me on His birthday? Mind you, the first I would have celebrated with Him.

And to top it off, I found out that He's going to Indiana in October. Silly me didn't ask when. Want to guess when my birthday is? Yeah, I will not be thrilled if He'll be gone then. Not angry or upset, just not exactly happy either. And I reserve the right to change my mind about that too, lol! He's going job hunting while He's out there. Yay...maybe?? I'm of two minds when it comes to Him and jobs.

Thankfully today is almost over. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully it'll end up better than this one. Yeah, I've got nothing else. I got my ass kicked on several levels and that's all the optimism I have at the moment.

I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Weekend! :)

Through the Turbulent Emotions

I wish things were simpler. Last night the idea of Him hijacked my dream. It's good to have Him back there, but it means I'm worried too. There's nothing at all to be done about any of it. Just making that clear now. I can't keep bottling it up inside though.

He told me that He loved me twice in the dream. I know He does as He's alluded to the very specific absence of the words. He shows it in His actions. My logical part of my mind understands and accepts this. The emotional side, what we associate with our hearts, doesn't get it. There's fear, loneliness, stress, aching, and a whole mess of other emotions.

For the most part I'm distracted during the day. At night, I lie in bed aching from all the emotions I try to avoid. Physically aching, mind you. Because I can't give them voice or life. There is no salve to heal them. So I'm left convincing myself that it's all worth it. That one day it'll get better. It has to get better. Believing it only insofar as I don't put up walls between us.

Earlier today, He told me that He wants me to be honest about the good and the bad. I believe Him and I know there's no ill intent or motive behind it. That's not always been the case in the past. People walked out of my life when times got hard. Family, friends, partners--they all did it, with the exception of a handful of people. Sometimes before people would leave, they would use that trust against me. That as I am no one will ever want to be in my life, let alone share it.

It's like an animal, after it's been abused and beaten more times than it can count. It prepares for the out lash. Avoids doing whatever it is that "triggers" the abuse, knowing that it'll likely come anyway. People aren't that different from animals. I'm not that different.

I know He's different. He defies everything people tried to make me believe was true. It's just going to take some time to wrap my head around it. I know I project my fears onto Him. That there must be some cruel monster waiting to harm me, to break me, lurking some where within. But there's not. I can accept it yet still not believe it. I can only imagine how frustrating that is for Him.

There's not simple answer to any of this. I'm exposing old wounds that I hate to reveal but I have to do it if we stand a chance at all. I was sobbing my eyes out earlier and three simple words helped ease the pain. "I can wait" :)   Wait for me to build more trust. Wait for me to truly believe Him to be the man I know He is.

Being Realistic

Sir and I were texting on Monday night. When He asked how I was doing, I explained my head space was jumping around from all the writing and analyzing. I ended up sending Him the last two posts early. They were already written and mulled over several times over.

It's a scary thing to reveal the truth beneath the lies I had almost convinced myself were real. I wanted to be happy but I didn't want to be vulnerable and let people in to see the real me. There was the line that was not crossed for many years. It was an unhealthy existence for myself but more so for the relationships I was in. That's not to say I didn't care about any of them. But when I look back and realize they all should have been friends or less, rather than lovers, the truth reveals itself.

Sir did just the opposite. He withdrew into himself and hid from the world. He didn't date or connect with anyone. Absolutely career focused. He was aching and hurting just as I was. The only difference was in how we both expressed it.

I've mentioned that we met online around January '11. It was either then or the December before. It was almost as if someone up there whispered, "Not yet."  That would have been terrible, back then. His heart was still raw and my life, if you can believe it, was more of a mess than it is now. He mentioned this on Tuesday night while at the bar with some friends. He said something to the effect of "This wouldn't have gone very far." He's right because it didn't. We exchanged a few messages and then we went our separate ways. I thought He was kind of a jerk back then, heh. And lord only knows what He thought of me. It goes to show that online perceptions can be extremely inaccurate, especially in the beginning conversations. It could also show that who Sir and I are now, we're not the same people, which I think is good on both counts.

I wondered in the beginning of this blog if the outcome would be the same regardless. Already things have changed. We recognize that we're healing and it has a lot to do with love. We're definitely happier too. Everyone can see that. Common friends have pointed it out, at least the ones who know the cause behind it. One did last night, as I was sobering up. Our friend said that we're sickeningly cute and he's envious of the love we share. My friends see it; the best friend greatly approves of Sir. After helping the monster and I while she was away, pretty sure Sir has made her Top 10 list. Our lives are better for having met and known each other; that's something special in and of itself.

Honestly, we have no idea what we're going to do next. He's been telling me about career plans, the very limited frame of time He has to implement the next step in His plan. He has very long term, lofty goals. While I could live very humbly and happily, I support His goals 110% because they are important to Him. Depending on how things go, He could move elsewhere at any point. It'll depend on who offers the best job and what He wants out of life.

I'm not as mobile as He is to pack everything and go. I own my own place. Paint is just starting to get up on the walls. I have plans for this house. It's a gorgeous place, simply needs a bit of work to get it there. His focus is without, mine is within. Not to mention I have some unfinished business in my home state and I can't be too far away before that gets settled. Crossing fingers that'll happen this year. If that's the case, I'll have more options as well.

With so many unknowns, we can have all the wishes and desires we want. But making them a reality is much more difficult. I'm sure as hell not going anywhere even if He moves half way across the world. He's stuck with me, if that much hasn't been made clear. What that means however is unclear. He said to me on Saturday morning that He can't make plans for two, when He's still trying to figure out plans for one.

We have no idea where this relationship will lead us anymore than you all do. Or if our love can survive all the unknowns. One thing is clear, He is worth it. I have no regrets. I'm better for having known Him, for having loved Him, for being loved by Him.

For now, we're doing good together. We're happy and there's hope in our hearts. One day we'll have decisions to make. Until then, all we can do is enjoy every minute we have together.

Asking For Help

I came home Saturday evening. Exhausted, worn out, glad to be back. Things didn't quite go as planned on the last day.

I was giving the monster a bath on Friday afternoon. When I carried him into the master bedroom to dry him off, my right ankle gave out on me. I could barely put my weight on it, let alone be able to carry the monster down and up the stairs.

I sent Sir a text, freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. He offered His assistance, but made me expressly ask for help. I did notice that, heh. He was a god send. Excellent with the monster and was exactly what I needed.

Not only did He help with the monster, He took excellent care of me. I asked that He stay the night. If something happened in the night, I didn't want to be alone and injured. I also didn't know how I'd be the next morning. It was a good call on my part. Especially since I had bashed the back of my head against cabinets a few hours earlier. Apparently I didn't make that clear until the next morning. I did say that I only bumped my head so the error was on my end. Sir was "incredulous" that I don't take better care of myself. It was no wonder I was overheating and feverish.

I received a lecture for that. Sir made it known that I overdo and wear myself out. That it wasn't acceptable.  I couldn't help anyone if I always gave too much of myself. Before He left Saturday morning, He asked for all that needed to be done. He did everything necessary, telling me I wasn't to do anything else. My job was to take care of myself and rest. I tried to verbally resist. He countered by making the line very clear.

It had two interesting effects. My "little" made an appearance. I typically keep that far from Him, but head injuries have this habit of lowering my walls and defenses. He handled it well though. And I did explain what happened so He wouldn't think I had lost my mind, heh. It was only one aspect of my personality that came through in our time together. Sometimes I should learn to keep my mouth shut. Avoiding head injuries would help that. The other effect was that I did take care of myself. I have been ever since. I knew He was right. Plus, He gave me an explicit line not to cross so I haven't done so.

Friday night and Saturday morning were not all business though. Once the monster was in bed, Sir and I enjoyed time together. He ordered in for us, yummy Chinese food. Then we watched a silly, fun movie called "Galaxy Quest." We crashed for the evening after that. Both of us were exhausted, more than ready to sleep.

The next morning, after taking care of the pups and the monster, we crawled back into bed until a little after 10 am, sleeping on and off. Yes, we did have some fun for ourselves. But mainly we cuddled and talked. About chakras, energy play, energy blockages that block natural flow. I talked and cried. He did His best to help heal some old wounds.

We talked about us. Things unsaid, the uncertain future, how even if romance wasn't in our future that he'd always be in my life. I said I didn't think I could handle that. He disagreed saying that if it happened, we'd both be prepared for it. This prompted a story. It'll be up tomorrow for you to read. Because He only became part of my life fairly recently, there's a lot He doesn't know. There's a lot that I'm just now realizing and figuring out. I'll have a post ready for after the story to provide explanation and insight.

We spoke of other, private topics. Of conversations that need to happen, but not yet. I think parts were lost in translation. Maybe the story and following explanation will help clarify matters.

Since Wednesday though, we've been doing really good. We've resumed connecting. I felt comfortable to turn to Him again. I did so without hesitation on Friday. If I've learned anything, and if this is meant to work out in the end, we're the kind of people who will find a way.

Thoughts Amidst the Preparations

My head is spinning.

I've spent the last day and a half preparing for Him to come over. Tomorrow's breakfast is baking in the oven. A phyllo dough-asparagus-egg-cheese loveliness. Or I hope it will be as I've never made it before. There's always eggs, bacon, and homefries if it doesn't work out. Dinner is going to be something spectacular. Rib eye, a squash dish, and roasted taters.

But we all know He's not coming over to have a candlelit dinner with me. No, my home is being cleaned and prepped for Him to do terrible, unspeakable things. And I'm left with this feeling of: "Omg, am I really going to do this???"

The answer is definitely a YES! But it's becoming all the more real with every passing hour.

The kitchen is the only room left looking like a mini-disaster. It's in the stages of clean-up. One of those "clean as I go" situations as I have to prep and cook dinner still. Besides that, I need to get myself ready. A nice bath to relax and shave. A quick shower after for practical cleansing.

I have to time dinner so it's ready by 7 so it can stay warm in the oven. After that, it's a rope tie of parts of me, make sure everything else is in place. Then the true waiting will begin.

It is lunch time. I should eat something somewhat hardy as who knows when I'll be eating tonight. Probably after I've been fucked a few times, heh.

I'm doing mental checklists as well as consulting my written list. I have some minor things to do left, like make sure all the toys are clean and in an accessible place. Put new batteries in the vibrators. Little things that I can't forget about.

Heh, I'm rambling to distract myself from the fact that I have no way to mentally and emotionally prepare for tonight. I've tried and there's nothing I can do. All I can see is Sir's evil grin. He gave me more than a few before bed last night. All throughout my house there are little signs of what awaits me.

He's going to make me watch, several times over. He even mentioned recording videos as things are happening for me to watch later during the scene.

I know exactly why I'm nervous. Not because of anything He plans on doing. There's healthy nervousness there and that adds to the thrill. No, this internal freaking out is because it won't matter that He's pretending to be a stranger. I will only be able to fight back for so long. Then the inner whore will appear. He'll see firsthand just how big of a slut I truly am.

That is both incredibly hot and frightening.

Waiting and Wondering

I'm out of town and will be for a while. I miss Sir already, though it's been nice where I am. So vague, I know.

I don't know how often I'll be posting but I will be checking in and reading others blogs as much as possible.

There's been some stress already, but that's from back home issues. It seems to have sorted itself out until I can deal with it upon my return. Sir is worried, the BF is worried...I'm optimistic and hopeful. We'll see how it all plays out.

Speaking of them...maybe they aren't so bad at figuring things out after all???

The BF may be more dominant than I suspected. More accepting, especially of Sir. Had moments of poignant reflection, including of making things work because if total possession isn't possible, then my happiness is the next best thing. Might have some more long term potential than I would have guessed too.

As for Sir, we had a conversation before I left. I wasn't too thrilled with it, even if I understood His intentions. Maybe He can be accept things as they stand for the long haul as well. But that's a conversation for another time, many months down the road.

If they're willing to try...I sure as hell I willing to give it a go and do what I can to make things run as smoothly as possible.

We'll just have to wait and see...

Losing my submission?

I have a problem. I walled myself in damn good this time. My inner submissive is buried deep and is glaring at the most recent attempts at being released.

I was out with friends last night. One guy is someone I've been friends with for nearly two years now. A great friend who is really fun to banter around with. He was trying to help the inner sub out, and we got nothing. Normally, I melt whenever someone grabs the back of my hair. There was literally no response. It was frustrating and heart breaking.

I sent off a text or two to Sir about it. Because He should know that I'm struggling and that I'm really off right now.

Honestly, this feels like when I first started this journey. Submitting to my first Dom was downright difficult and I fought back a lot. Submission was a struggle. As much as I craved it, I mentally resisted. To the point where it didn't always make an appearance.

Funny that Sir used the word "assertive" because that side is in full force. Reminds me of the old days, before I embraced the submission and what that meant for me. There was never a doubt that I was going to get exactly what I wanted. I led projects, events, groups, etc and things were done my way.

The deeper I delved into submission, the less of that assertive person I was. It didn't matter as much to me to always do or have things be my way. I became more focused on others. Making them happy and enhancing their lives. Giving people the gentle push to step up to be more.

The past few days? The sweet, gentle submissive has been missing. I miss that part of myself. I'm much more comfortable with that part of me. Seeing how assertive I am without that submissive balance, I'm not as much of a fan as I used to be. What I remembered and the reality are very different. The submissive is far more compassionate.

Doesn't help that the assertive personality and the sadistic nature go together smashingly. That's not really who I am, not anymore.

So I'm off to find and dismantle the walls that I put up. Or figure out why the submissive side would suddenly up and hide deep within me. Because there's no way I'm going to continue on like this for any length of time.

Concerns and Conversations

It kind of feels like Sir and I are hitting a rough spot. Not really, but I have a feeling I won't be too thrilled with the conversation.

Our plans for the weekend are not what I wrote about a few days ago. It's fine. I'll still see Him on Saturday.

It's so hard sometimes. I'm as open as they come. I let people into my life easily. He walked in, with no resistance. Like I ever would have wanted to keep Him away.

He talks about fucking a woman in front of me as I'm bound helpless. Hot, right? It really is. I'd love to experience a scene/play like that.

But I don't stifle the people I'm with. More love, the better. That's who I am. I love.

So when He talks about playing and maybe fucking others, then tells me that He doesn't want to share me, I'm left feeling very confused. How can He expect me to hide away most or all of who I am, yet still be okay with letting Him do whatever He wants?

Because I've been there. I want to believe it's different with Him. I've stayed away from the dating sites. Not messaged anyone. Been on my best behavior. Let Him know about casual interests I met. I haven't had sex with anyone else.

Yes, I've not even had sex with the BF. For completely other reasons but that's besides the point.

And yes, Sir is already aware of my feelings on this. Hence the conversation we'll be having. He said (and I quote): "We'll explore our very brief conversation [from] the other day in more depth which should resolve some of the concerns you've expressed."

So He does get it. I know He has always listened. But I'm worried.

I love this man so dearly. In the last 6 months, He's become such an integral part of my life. I don't want to lose Him. Yet I can only bend so much in regards to how restricted I can be.

Everyone sees it. Our friends. The community at large. They all see how I thrive when I can be free. Which sounds contradicting to submission, but it's really not. Sir is in control. He gets the final say, whether people realize it or not. I can live with that. In fact, I'd rather it that way.

But He doesn't want to share...well, share me how? Because I need a little bit of wiggle room. I thought we had that figured out.

I don't want this to be something that comes between us. I love Him with all my heart. That I'm considering being monogamous with Him should say it all.

Maybe it's because the Sadist wants to come out to play. Or now that Sir and I are becoming more recognized, the BF is starting to...cramp His style, lol. Something like that.

I give a lot when it comes to Sir. There's only so far I can bend on this. Else He tries to make me into something I'm not. I would try so hard for Him. But I think it would end really shitty that way.

*sighs*  I don't know. But I am worried...This is why He tells me I worry too much. He's willing to resolve the issues. He's not going to leave me. I still worry about it though.

Departure

I'm all packed up for our trip. All the plans have been settled. We're not driving up alone, and I have the others coming to my place. It was the easiest solution. They'll be here at 5. That's when Sir gets out of work so in case they run late (very likely) there is plenty of time for everything to run smoothly.

I am punctual. It bothers me when others aren't. I've learned who those people are and I adjust time accordingly. My mother is like that so I've had practice. Sir is always punctual, a good trait. Now we can just hope that work doesn't hold Him up. Considering it's a Friday, they shouldn't...I'm not a huge fan of His current employment. An understatement for how He feels.

Anyway, I'm all dolled up. Excited to get on the road and arrive at our destination. Plunge head first into the madness that will likely ensue. I'm bringing a few kinky toys with me. Not sure if we'll use them but the option will be available.

I'll admit I am a bit nervous. I've touched upon the orgasm control now and then. He has plans...I am fully prepared to orgasm many times, in public surrounded by lord only knows how many people. Trying to contain it. Hide it well enough so no one notices.

My inner Sadist and masochist are loving this plan. Totally for it. Great fun. The inner sub has humility, and is wide eyed in fear. Hoping He won't actually do this but knowing He's already done it. Tuesday...the man had me under. Used one of my trigger words to taunt me. In public, among our friends.

Don't get me wrong, I do want this. I'm also well aware that the fantasy and the reality are very different. The fantasy makes me wet and swoon. The reality will do the same, with large doses of humiliation. The kind that leaves me trembling. Good thing I have someone to catch me if I fall.

Depths of submission

I think I may finally be getting better. *crossing fingers*  I am up and about again. Hoping to get out tomorrow to socialize with people.

Plus, I want to see Sir. I miss Him, even though we talk daily. I need Him.

It's an idea He's still coming to terms with. It's a huge responsibility to be so needed by another person. He takes it on willingly. Even last night, He mentioned that "owning" another person is something He can't fully wrap His mind around.

I am well-loved in our community. The resident "kitten". I know I've detailed some of my interactions with others. I said to Sir last night that while the community sees me as "theirs" in some ways...I am in all reality His.

He's pushed people away for the last few years. Locked Himself up. I think so He couldn't be hurt again.

Like how He saw past all my walls, I saw past His. I see what an incredible and complex man He is. He is very much wanted. Needed. Loved. We slid into each other's lives with such ease. It's as if we belonged there.

Heh, so it seems He and I are due for another conversation.

Before we take any more steps forward, I need Him to be prepared for who and what I am. Sir has seen glimpses of my submissive nature. We have had some discussions on the matter.

He needs a working understanding of me. A more complete guide.

I have spent the last 6 years unearthing the submissive aspects of me. To the point where I can not go back to who I was. I've tried, been trying. There is no shutting it off. There is not keeping it in the bedroom, or only to be called upon when wanted.

That's like trying to control any other part of my personality. Yes, I'm astute enough to realize when it's inappropriate. I manage just fine in various social situations with the rest of my personality.

But I am not a bedroom sub. And while Sir intellectually understands that, I think there are pieces missing. It's my job to make sure He understands me and what I need. So, next week we'll talk. We're seeing when our schedules coincide.

I know it'll be a slow progression. With circumstances being what they are, He can't take the level of control that either of us want. I honestly don't think "we" as a couple are ready for that either. However, there are steps we can take. Measures of control we can approach...maybe something we need to do.

I don't know. Maybe it'll make more sense after our conversation.

Progress

I was rereading my blog...because I do that now and then. I like to see where we were. What progress we've made. Often I gain insights into what did and didn't work.

My second post was quite startling and enlightening. I said that He'd never be mine. I felt it deep within me that I would never even come close to having what I do now, let alone the possibilities that still exist.

Because He is mine. He's my Sir and one of my greatest friends. I'm His sweet kitten. :-)

I think I understand what He was trying to convey all along...

I worry too much!!

It's a learning curve we've both had to work through. He's patient with me in that regard, just as I'm patient with aspects of Him. It took some time to get used to that, for sure. It seems we've found a good balance.

Furthermore upon reading through my archives, I found out that we don't function well when I try to take control of things, or push just a little too hard. *blushes* 

As terrible as this is going to sound, I needed to learn my place. That's at His feet with a (metaphorical) collar around my neck while He holds my leash. In that mental space, I thrive. I am content. 

Now it does require Him to take hold of the leash and direct me as appropriate...that was also a missing piece most of the time we were struggling.

He and I are an "us" when He leads. I understand He's still trying to find His comfort level in all this. I'm figuring out expressing myself in the right way.

Allowing Him to help and guide me, to become a healthier/better me....I asked Him for help with a non-D/s issue earlier. To have my back and protect me, if necessary. The "me" from 6 months ago wouldn't have done that.

That version of "me" would have tackled the problem all on my own. "Help, who needs that? Not me that's for sure!!"  

Heh, He's taught me that not only can't I do it all on my own, there's also no reason to do such. He's here for me. Yeah, sometimes I still need a reminder but I'm starting to accept that as truth. He's here to help. I've believed for a while now that He and I did not meet by accident. Belief, which can be painfully difficult for me to accept.

Yet I'm at peace with my belief that He is in my life for a reason. He's meant to help me; and He's already done so much. I also belief I'm here to help Him.

Whether this is just to give the other the friendship and confidante we needed...or something more...that's something I don't know. But I have faith it'll all work out. I trust Him to lead and I promise to follow with an open heart/mind/soul.

Helpless

My community is crashing and I don't know what to do about it.

I see it all and I'm helpless to stop it from happening.

Two friends are being blind about a man who is only using them as a status symbol. Even when confronted by all the evidence, most of which they've gathered on their own, they still fall right in line and believe his bull shit.

Another two friends are terrible for each other because they have no clue how to communicate. And it's sent a horrific spiral throughout our close-knit group. Because of their inability to have a reasonable conversation, the physical health of two people outside of their "whatever the fuck they are" were put in danger.

A predator has returned, as has his victim. Though she's mentally unstable, or was the last I heard from her. And she's a predator in her own sense, in that she is desperately searching for a Dom at least half her age.

A female friend is traveling from one poly group to the next, completely lost. She's going to really fuck herself up mentally/emotionally if she doesn't get a hold of reality. Reasonable expectations are necessary for a healthy relationship...I've learned that lesson first hand.

K and R were having some issues. I think they're all good now. But it had a bit to do with me, semi-indirectly. At least I think I helped with that situation.

But I feel utterly helpless. I want to be furious and shake sense into these people. I know it won't do any good.

I'm empathetic. I want to help fix the people I love. I hurt when they hurt. I stress more when the people around me are freaking out. When Sir is having a bad day, I feel it deep within me. It's a motivational tool to help people.

And Sir...He has issues of His own right now. Work stuff. I'm worried about Him. There's nothing I can do besides be there for Him. Also, be good and not be needy until He can sort things out internally. Working on the being good part. I forgot my daily report last night. My punishment is guilt and humiliation, in that He's going to remind me of it for awhile.

A consistent jab at my mistake. But there's a lesson in there. Reinforcement. Get me to the point where it becomes ingrained. I understand it, even as it hurts.

I just want people to be happy. I feel absolutely powerless to help them.

End of Another Year

It's been a long year. It also feels like the year has flown by. But time is funny like that.

I'll tell you about the weekend in the new year. Oh did we have fun!! I'm mainly waiting because we'll also be seeing each other tonight and I'm sure I'll have more to talk about.

Mainly because it's 8:30 in the morning and I surprisingly have a busy day ahead of me.

Like a long nap because I feel like an old lady and can't stay up until 2 every night. :-P  It was like 3 am when I got to bed on Saturday. Barely slept as I had a "strange woman" in my bed, heh.

Now I have to stay up until god knows what time later this evening...yeah I'm a wuss when it comes to night time.

Oh I know what will happen! My friends will beat me awake, LOL!!

Or Sir will. Mmmmm, I approve of that idea more. Especially with a belt looped around my neck. *swoon*

I will leave y'all with a little bit of juicy details...

O.M.G...His scary/Sadist side??

It is damn scary. Not because I'm afraid He'll harm me. I know better.

No, that side is scary because it has the power to strip away all the walls I hide behind. Leaving the core of who I am vulnerable before Him.

I'm shaking just thinking about it.

It is scary in a conventional sense. I need to prepare my mind better for what He calls the "Hunter"...and I'm damn well His prey. I like that level of scary but I had no idea what to expect. I still don't really.

I'll learn though and He'll keep me safe along the way.

Introspection and Plans

Alcohol and introspection is a very interesting combination. Not necessarily the good kind of interesting though.

I was drinking chocolate wine last night. It is as delicious as it sounds. Pretty sure I have a new favorite.

I'd been introspective most of the day. Wasn't anything bad per se, just being in my own head for awhile.

The alcohol was a bad choice in that the slightest things were setting me off into tears. It wasn't even taking much. An errant thought here and there found myself crying.

I was up late last night. Curled up with pillows and my thoughts. Once I got to bed, my sleep was restless.

Before you ask, He and I are fine. :)

There's going to be a lot of changes in the next year. Plans being put into action. Whispers and hints that things are shifting. A few maybes and what-ifs. Whole bunch of unknowns.

But while in this whole introspective mindset, there were some pretty concrete foundations making an appearance.

Heh, there's a distinct feeling of being tested. To see if my resolve is as strong as I believe it to be. Only time will tell.

I don't want to be vague but I've tried to write out what's going on and I keep deleting it. There's just so much that could happen.

I can tell you where it starts. Pulling out about 10-11 years of paperwork from boxes in closets. Incomplete documentation, I should add.

That's my plan for January. Going through all of that crap and seeing if anything new stands out. Familiarize myself with what's there and not there. Then see what I can do to obtain complete documentation from the company in question.

Yeah, it's going to be a very busy and complicated year.

Doubts

I was slipping and sliding. Crying and lonely. A kind of loneliness that resonated deep within my soul.

There's a band called "Anthem Lights." I listen to their covers all the time. But I realized one of the songs I play daily was one of theirs. So I decided to listen to the rest of the album. While I don't like everything, the music pulled to me.

They're a Christian band.

For nearly the past week, I've been dreaming about church and going to mass. Standing alone in unfamiliar churches lit only by candles. Standing before the altar and seeing the physical manifestation of my loneliness.

Saturday night, I dreamed about my old church out in my hometown in Jersey. I went to mass and brought Him with me. There was a lightness there. And a sense of obligation. But I was welcomed back with open arms. Like a friend that had long been missed.

I keep ending up in churches, no matter what else my dreams may consist of during the night.

But yes, I was crying. Caught up in fears and doubts. Because honestly, I have a lot of those right now. It's been a rough week. More than just my struggles with Him. Something from my past came up the surface. A past trauma. Something that changed the landscape of my reality, on every level.

Then there's the ever continual struggle with faith and my beliefs. I don't have the answers. That much is becoming clear.

So I threw on my headphones and set up my playlist with all of the songs I currently listen to daily.. And I started to read. Yeah, the book He gave me. I looked for that post in the archives and couldn't find it. But it's the ragamuffin gospel book.

Yes, I'm still slowly reading that. It's not a rush through book, at least not for me. Not with where my mind is. But I think I'll be reading it more.

I'm sure He'll be interested in that I've been dreaming of churches and faith lately. He doesn't even know that I want to go back to his church again some time...well, He knows now lol. There was something more there that day. I want to see if it was a one time thing. If not that would be interesting to unravel.

Let me tell you, it's disturbing to be haunted by my lack of faith in my own dreams.

Given everything else that's been going on, it would be great if my dreams would show me some relief.

Not to mention that He's always there...somewhere in my dreams. Haunting me as well it seems. My life before meeting Him, I'd rarely ever dream of people I know. Maybe a few times a year, if that. It's been strange to have Him in my dreams nearly every night.

Still not nearly as disturbing as the church dreams though. Some of which have rivaled the best thriller movies.

Revelations

Last night was interesting...

I presented a variation of my typical public image. No glasses, but contacts. Hair up and done nice/neat. Make-up, jewelry. Instead of a dress or skirt, I wore jeans with a really nice dress shirt and vest with cute non-heeled boots.

It was an attempt to have a more commanding and self-assured persona come through. But apparently among kinksters, the default has become a cute little kitten.

I need to discuss law, politics, religion...those will bring out the side I'm searching for. Throw me back into a college classroom and that persona shines through.

Frankly, I was far too aroused last night to be anything but the sex kitten. I was totally up for an orgy, hahahaha.

So things did not go according to plan. It happens. But I think for the most part, everyone enjoyed themselves.

It was after everyone had left that it became personally interesting.

He and I were talking in the parking lot of the restaurant we'd been at for the evening. I held Him up, wanting just to spend a few moments together. Granted, I wanted deliciously sexy things too, but we didn't have the time for such.

Instead, we talked. He dropped a bomb shell. He wants to take on the public role of/as my Dominant.

Yeah...that still hasn't sunk in even as I type it...my mind is like "Wait, what?"

Apparently that's what this test run with the orgasm control and other small things was leading up to with Him. Wanting to see if "this" worked. It's been something He's been considering for some time, though this is the first I'm hearing of it.

He talked with R about this nearly a month ago. The context of comments her and K have made since then now make far more sense.

One of the things He was trying to make clear last night is that once He sets His mind to something and makes a promise, He will follow through with it. He said that expressing that desire to be my Dominant pretty well sets the tone that it will happen.

At the same time, He's also cautious about what He says to me. He doesn't want to make promises He can't keep. In terms of a full, long term relationship, basically.

Which I have no expectations of it happening. From the beginning of when He and I met, I never expected any of this. When I started this blog, I told the story of how this will likely end. And yet, it's still worth it for the sweetness of what I have with Him now.

I don't expect anything more than right here, right now. What happens will happen. That's something new for me. I've set myself up in the past with making plans and dreaming of a life with someone. I can't keep doing that.

Especially not when He's so damn sure that we're incompatible long term. "Philosophical differences"...that's what He calls it. Though I did make it clear last night, He knows far less about me (read: my goals, dreams, long term life desires) than He realizes.

I am happy, thrilled even. Don't let my tangent detract from that. I would be perfectly content to have Him as my Dominant, even if that's all it ever will be.

Where The Cards Have Fallen

I pulled R aside on Sunday. We ended up seeing Them. There are really too many events in this area and it's only going to get worse as the holidays get closer.

I spoke to her privately. Ha, He knew exactly what I was doing as He watched us walk off. I brought her up to speed. I had to tell someone after all, since He won't let me talk about it anywhere else.

He didn't mind. I think He assumed I'd be telling Her. Because They are so aware of my life, it's not even funny.

Anyway, He offhandedly remarked that He'd likely be getting a talk from Them at some point. You know, make sure He knows what He's doing. Not to hurt me. That kind of stuff. All the standard "don't hurt someone I care about" threats. Heh...

Well, I mentioned His comment to K. Who then replied:

"Why would I do that?" ;)

Bc you care a lot about me and are super protective ^_^

"I expect you to be treated correctly, if not...well then there may be corrective steps taken." 

R's comments were more telling and amusing:

 "[K] is very protective. Your his kitten and he won't let anyone hurt you in the bad way. We know [He] is a good guy, but an extra warning never hurts."

I sent a message back basically saying it was nice that the people in my life can share. That's been a major issue in my life for...ummm well always been an issue in the past. People *cough read Doms cough* don't share well. But she continued and this is where it gets interesting:

"I think its because we know there is enough of you to go around and we know that you can have multiple partners. We know that your time with [Him] doesnt make you care for us less and I'm sure [He] sees that too. Also, we see how [He] can make you happy in ways we cant...We all just click, its why we gravitated to each other at the first party."

This is why I like Them so much!! It's why I love and care about Them. It's also why I don't really have a need to talk about Them much on this blog. Because we're absolutely good.

They're good with His role in my life, whatever it may end up being. And He's never had a single issue with me playing with Them.

He would say it's because He doesn't have a claim on me. Truth is He has as much, if not more, of a claim on me than They do. They're just willing to call me Theirs, while He's not ready for that. That's fine.

That's why I have a blog about Him. Because He and I are still figuring things out. Now y'all have a better perspective of the four of us. He's keeping Himself more distant, for sure. If He wants a closer spot, it'll be there waiting for Him. Not just for my life, but some part of Their lives as well.

Catholicism and He's Taking Me to Church

He's taking me to His church sometime in the near future...and I asked Him to do it.

I have this feeling of "what am I getting myself into??"

I'm used to Mass, where there's a missalette that has the whole year's schedule in it. I can go to any Catholic Church and it'll be the same in every Church, every week. The Mass itself is laid out the same.

The wiki page for it is pretty damn accurate: Mass (liturgy).

On the right, the wiki lists the structure for the Mass. It's said much better than anything I could have come up with.

There is a conservative in me. It relates back to Catholicism. There is a proper way to behave in a Church. Even more so, the altar is sacred. There are people who should be on the altar and that's it.

Oh god, one year they (whoever they were that made this decision)...they decided it would be a good idea to have three 10-12 year old girls....dancing. On Easter. On the altar.

That happened once. Never again.

I was surprised the older members of the congregation didn't have heart attacks seeing that.

When you enter the Church, you bless yourself with holy water and make the sign of the cross. When you walk across the Church, you make the sign of the cross. Why? Because you're passing Jesus. You show respect. Before entering a pew, you genuflect and make the sign of the cross. You kneel and pray. Then you may sit.

I have not been a practicing Catholic in 9 years. I have been in Churches since. I have even attended Mass since. I follow everything I just wrote above, and more, out of respect for the building I'm in and those who worship there.

This is why I'm a little hesitant and apprehensive about going to His church. I have no idea what to expect. I looked over the website for that church. Looked into their schedule for past services. Lots of singing, which is good. But I can tell it's pretty non-standard. In the course of 9 weeks, I saw one communion service. ONE.

Wait, what?? How?

You can totally get communion once a day with the Catholic Church...because there's daily Mass...except on weekends. Because Saturday evening Mass is a substitution for Sunday. Only once on weekends.

It's also...are there proper responses for His church? If so, what are they? When do you say them?Are there signs of respect that I should be aware of? I may not be practicing, but I'll be in a holy dwelling and I will show it the proper respect it deserves. I would be this way with any religious place of worship.

Church is not something one just attends with no forethought. At least, I wouldn't. Blame Catholicism. He's going to tell me I worry too much. He'll likely say, "No one is going to notice. It's your first time there. You're a visiting guest. You can participate to the levels that you're comfortable with." But I need to know what they are in order to participate!!

To quote an earlier conversation with the boyfriend...he said this would be my reaction when asking Him about all of this: "TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR RELIGION!!" while shaking Him by the collar. ROFL!

When I was Catholic, I was really Catholic. So much so that 9 years later there's still a conservative, structured Catholic in me.

Not conservative as in views; I'm a moderate liberal. Conservative as in what Mass or service should look like.

It's a weird thing, but Catholics don't quite see themselves as Christians...not like non-Catholics do. Yes, Catholics believe in Christ and that makes them Christians in that sense. But they're not really Christians, they're Catholics. And the distinction says it all. There is very much a separation there.

I guess because I was raised Catholic, I have this mindset that Christians are missing a few things. They're not quite getting it. Too Christ-focused maybe. Missing the whole Christ is but one aspect/facet of God. Plus, they don't recognize saints or the blessed virgin Mary as being as important as she is.

Which is both strange and funny that I still think this way. Since I actually don't agree with Catholicism. I find it very contradicting to my personal beliefs...being mainly spiritual because frankly I don't think anyone is right or even comes close to the mark of what's actually going on. But when it comes to believing in Christ, I guess I feel like Catholicism is a person's best bet.

I'll end this with a song I sang when I was in choir. It's the Gloria sang at the start of the Easter Season, and used until Ordinary Time begins. It still gives me chills to listen to it and of course I sing along.

Also, I have no idea if non-Catholics have a calendar separating the year into "seasons"...which is really sad if they don't. It's approaching Advent, one of the best seasons of the year. It's Christmas music for like 4 or 5 weeks straight. All Christmas, all the time. I am so sad for everyone if y'all don't have that. Because religious Christmas songs are some of the best. Especially played on organs and with bells, it's just fantastic. You want God in your music? Look towards that. Every time.

Okay, okay...I'll stop rambling and you enjoy this absolutely fantastic version of Gloria: