Party

There's a party today, which I'm sure is going to be a cluster fuck. After talking with a number of people, no one knows what the demo presentation is actually on. The title is "Resistance Play" and I've heard anything from interrogation to rape play to grappling. That last one I think was a BS response by one of the leaders to appease people's minds. Yes, it's as bullshit as it sounds.

Either that or no one would bottom to anything else with this presenter. Basically this entire event has been screwy from the beginning.

On the bright side, I get to spend time with Sir! Yay! I've already been promised lots of hugs and cuddles.

And if that demo is on consensual-nonconsent, will NOT be watching. That's something I can do with Sir, only Him because there's a level of trust and an ongoing relationship. I will trigger being around a scene like that. He told me last night that He'll be there for me if anyone gives me shit about it.

The best part about all this is that the presenter was announced after many people bought their tickets to go to this event. The whole point was to have a play party. It got turned into an ego-stroking event for one of the group's leaders.

Yet Sir wonders why I love it so much here in Blogland and want to be a hermit from the rest of the world. Out there is crazy. Here? Been nothing but wonderful people and a great support system.

On another bright side, I am feeling better from earlier in the week so I should get to play with Sir!! He may have to go a little easy at first, just to be sure. Other than that though, it's all good! And if we can't play, there's always those lovely snuggles. :)

Waiting

We're always talking religion. Last night was no exception. I have a book to read that He gave me. It's called "The Ragamuffin Gospel."

We managed to get the day together, as well as some time for just us. It was nice, so nice!

Oh don't look at me like that!!!

I told ya, we only had plans to snuggle and cuddle. Which we did. A lot.

I had my head in His lap at one point. He was playing with my hair, which was just uncooperative. Poor thing. I have to put a lot of crap in it to tame the beast that is my hair. Mousse likes to tangle my hair a bit. Okay, a lot. At least it wasn't it's usual poofy mess.

To be fair to my hair, He had ruffled it quite a bit. It had been put up, hastily taken down to snuggle earlier that day. We had a little time to cuddle while we watched a movie. Hair being up is not conducive to snuggling. There was wind, and a day's worth of fuss to it, so it was understandably non-cooperative...

But the playing with hair, His hand stroking my face...that was really nice. I was about to fall asleep on Him, though mainly the couch. I knew I couldn't stay but I wanted to. Just to stay right there in that moment.

Safe, protected, happy.

We talked about "us", as our conversation inevitably leads to there. How even in my dreams the man confuses me. I swear the night before last, I had a dream where He told me that "this" wouldn't work. Then maybe 10 minutes later in dream time said something along the lines of: I still care for you. This could work down the road....it was an assumed I want you to wait. I can't remember if He actually asked me to wait in the dream or not though.

Seriously, even my own head is fucking with me now...as if He wasn't enough.

While we were talking, He said that it'd be a terrible idea if He took me upstairs and did all the things He wanted to do to me.

Apparently fucking my brains out was on that list.

It is a terrible idea. Absolutely. But I was horny and for a brief moment I almost said, "what are we waiting for?"

At the same time, I was contently curled up with Him. We were having an excellent conversation. I didn't really want to move from that spot, not even for sex.

I enjoy looking up at Him. He's quite taller than me normally, but with my head on His lap...very different perspective. Mmmmm, I like!!!

I told Him I would wait. Hell, I am waiting. My mind is set. There are plenty of other people interested. I want Him, only Him...very different for someone who is typically very fluid in relationships. Very poly normally.

Doesn't matter. I want Him. It's the love I have for Him that gives me feelings I had long buried. Gives me hope and safety. Gives me strength.

He's the one who reaches out a hand, when my world is falling apart around me. He has been so good to and for me. He's an excellent friend, one of the best I've ever had.

How could I not wait for a man like that?

I think most wait with the assumption of "some day"...it's something we've talked about. But there is no assuming here.

So I will wait in action, and for a time when "this" has a chance to be "us".

What this could be is worth waiting to do it right. He's worth waiting for, always has been.

Getting to a Better Place

So I reread the posts I've written here...

How did I forget this post? And this one. This one too!!

Also nearly every conversation we've had.

Where the fuck has my head space been lately?? Because it sure as hell hasn't been grounded, at all. Did I over-analyze? I think I just up and lost my mind.

That man is too good for me. I think He knew I'd get it eventually.

The last two weeks have been screwed up, majorly. Maybe head trauma mixed with too many chaotic emotions. I really don't know.

But fuck, I was a bitch. Bratty. Spoiled. Distasteful.

Granted, I think getting all of that out in the open helped get me back on track. But damn was it messy along the way.

I fully apologized and He forgave me...because that's the kind of person He is. I think He realized I had to work some things out...if my last few posts didn't make that glaringly obvious.

I have a tendency to become so narrowly focused that I ignore everything else going on around me.

Beyond what's been going on here, the past few weeks have been emotionally taxing and draining...separately in both our lives. It's just added to a lot of the tension and pressure.

I hope from this point forward I can keep my shit together...remember the bigger picture. Be happy for what I do have.

Despite the chaos of the last few days especially...I've not lost sight of the fact that I am so blessed that He and I met. I cherish our friendship and the connection we've shared since day one. My life has had a lot more laughter and fun. I'd do well to remember that. Even more so remember how damn awesome this man is with all the support He's given me in the short time we've known each other.

So yeah, I'm in a better place. I think it'll lead to the two of us being in a better place as well. I've been extremely happy today. Lighter. Free. It's a good feeling. :)

Falling Apart

We do a lot of talking, sometimes communicating well. Most of the time not, but we're getting there.

One piece of the puzzle at a time. I understand He only lets people in so far. It's less deep than He thinks.

Plus, He wears as many masks as I do. That's saying something.

Truth be told, this connection is tearing me apart. It's not His fault.

I need to do something different.

I just don't know what...

But if I don't do something, my mind is going to unravel and I'll slip back into a depression.

I don't know how to turn it off. I can dampen the sexual nature. Turn it off even, if necessary.

That's not the issue, heh.

It's the pull of the Dominance towards my submission. That's emotionally based. It's a feeling of security and a desire for closeness.

How do I stop that from happening? And if I can't, how the hell do I manage it so it doesn't drive me insane?

Because while He's not encouraging it, He's not denying it.

It's an uncertain promise, a whisper of hope...

The smart thing would be to remove Him from my life. That sounds reasonable, right? I don't have the willpower or courage to do it.

It's not something I want to do.

I don't want to hurt every time I see Him. I don't even understand why I'm hurting. Why there's this pit in my stomach. Why it feels like my heart is being torn apart. Why I struggle to breathe.

Then He smiles and jokes, putting me at ease. Only for it to return.

I've been rejected before. That's nothing new. I've loved and lost. So why does this man, who shouldn't mean near this much to me...why are my feelings for Him making me lose my mind...

That whole "I'm content and it'll be okay?" Yeah that didn't last.

I'm crying and I have no idea why. This is what I mean. I just don't understand it. Thinking about Him and all of this, it makes my heart hurt. I end up sobbing. In public, I have to put on a mask and suppress the tears.

I'm tired and not in the way sleep can fix.

Crash & Burn...Hope & Love

When I crash and burn it's a lot like an airplane taking a nose dive into the ground. I say into the ground because typically I'm able to watch the descent even if I can't do anything to stop it.

Last week though, I flew straight into a mountainside. It was unexpected. I wasn't prepared (as much as anyone can be for these things).

Then it was like waking up from a horrible dream that I can't shake.

Because I misread Him. And fuck it, I'm capitalizing the "H"s again. For the sake of clarity and out of respect. Maybe a little bit too because I love Him and feel like He deserves some recognition from me.

I realize I often misread Him and the situation. He needs to work on communication skills that don't involve three hour in person meetings every time He needs to tell me something. Or I find out things every three or four weeks.

See, He reads this blog. He knows me in several places where He has access to what I'm thinking and feeling. Sometimes my feelings just are. Like I misread the situation, again.

*news flash*  
That will likely end up being the story of this blog, at this rate.
*news flash*

When I was expressing myself, it wasn't a confrontation towards Him, though He took it as one. Simply, He wanted to know what was going on in my head. So I told Him.

Fears and doubts aren't always rational or right. That doesn't mean they don't exist and aren't affecting me greatly.

So back to the plane crash. There are things I do after a "plane crash":

• I make sure I'm alive.

• I check out the wreckage.

• Typically it's on fire, so I have to put it out. That can take awhile.

• I do what I have to do, being numb most of the time with occasional bursts of hysteria.

• Figure out where I am so I can find a way to continue on to where I'm going.

I thought I lost Him, for good. Even if it's not the case, my mind began to go through that process.

While I'm keeping it together pretty damn good, I've been crying my eyes out randomly. I'm set off oh-so-easily.

It's going to take some time to realize that the crash and burn didn't really happen. I'm still going to have to heal from it in some way.

This is something I'm not sure He's seeing.

Maybe I'm a little bit afraid to put myself back out there without a better understanding of Him and what He wants.

I think He sees I'm hurting because He feels bad about it. He's afraid of doing it again. But I want to scream, "You can't leave! I can handle the scrapes and bruises. Please don't pull away...because that will break me."

I have it bad for Him. Heck, I'm in love and not afraid to say it. I love Him still, even though our miscommunication hurt me. It was two sided-I don't blame Him.

I see His scars and I want to heal them...I don't care if they were self-inflicted or caused by others.

I want to touch, kiss, and hold Him until He no longer feels alone.

I want to make Him smile each and every day.

I want to feed the Hunter inside of Him, because I'm not afraid and never will be.

I want to help Him grow to be the man He so wants to become.

So yeah, I may be hurting. I may be questioning a little. But I adore and love this man. I will endure for Him, if that's what He wishes.

This pain is but a drop in the ocean compared to everything wonderful He makes me feel.

We both need to not forget that temporary bad doesn't outweigh all the good.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

Last night did not go according to plan...

I think someone (up there) has it out for me or him, maybe both of us. Even when I have walls erected to keep him out, he knows exactly how to dismantle me to see where I'm hidden away.

When I took the walls down, it felt right. I felt safe. I wanted to be held by him and not let go.
It was also strange, even for us. We were more in tune. Everything clicked and when our eyes met, the world slipped away.

He told me something, as we were heading out. He had just held me close, stroked my arm gently.

"The choice that's mine to make...I know what you would choose so it's up to me." pause "I can't do it. I would be overwhelming..."

I replied, "I don't know what my options are. I don't know if I could even if I wanted to..."

At that moment, two friends we had been at dinner with came over to talk with us for a little longer in the parking lot. A decent distraction for an awkward moment.

I know he would not share control of me well. It would cause a division between us, should we try.

Or more likely, it would drive away the other two people in my life. Something neither of us want.

I don't know what the plan was supposed to be. I didn't expect to come home and sit in my drive way, banging on my steering wheel. Nor did I expect to be silently screaming and shaking with rage when I laid in bed.

But when he looks at me, seeing me oh so clearly...accepting, inviting me closer into his world...I can't help but respond.