Asking For Help

I came home Saturday evening. Exhausted, worn out, glad to be back. Things didn't quite go as planned on the last day.

I was giving the monster a bath on Friday afternoon. When I carried him into the master bedroom to dry him off, my right ankle gave out on me. I could barely put my weight on it, let alone be able to carry the monster down and up the stairs.

I sent Sir a text, freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. He offered His assistance, but made me expressly ask for help. I did notice that, heh. He was a god send. Excellent with the monster and was exactly what I needed.

Not only did He help with the monster, He took excellent care of me. I asked that He stay the night. If something happened in the night, I didn't want to be alone and injured. I also didn't know how I'd be the next morning. It was a good call on my part. Especially since I had bashed the back of my head against cabinets a few hours earlier. Apparently I didn't make that clear until the next morning. I did say that I only bumped my head so the error was on my end. Sir was "incredulous" that I don't take better care of myself. It was no wonder I was overheating and feverish.

I received a lecture for that. Sir made it known that I overdo and wear myself out. That it wasn't acceptable.  I couldn't help anyone if I always gave too much of myself. Before He left Saturday morning, He asked for all that needed to be done. He did everything necessary, telling me I wasn't to do anything else. My job was to take care of myself and rest. I tried to verbally resist. He countered by making the line very clear.

It had two interesting effects. My "little" made an appearance. I typically keep that far from Him, but head injuries have this habit of lowering my walls and defenses. He handled it well though. And I did explain what happened so He wouldn't think I had lost my mind, heh. It was only one aspect of my personality that came through in our time together. Sometimes I should learn to keep my mouth shut. Avoiding head injuries would help that. The other effect was that I did take care of myself. I have been ever since. I knew He was right. Plus, He gave me an explicit line not to cross so I haven't done so.

Friday night and Saturday morning were not all business though. Once the monster was in bed, Sir and I enjoyed time together. He ordered in for us, yummy Chinese food. Then we watched a silly, fun movie called "Galaxy Quest." We crashed for the evening after that. Both of us were exhausted, more than ready to sleep.

The next morning, after taking care of the pups and the monster, we crawled back into bed until a little after 10 am, sleeping on and off. Yes, we did have some fun for ourselves. But mainly we cuddled and talked. About chakras, energy play, energy blockages that block natural flow. I talked and cried. He did His best to help heal some old wounds.

We talked about us. Things unsaid, the uncertain future, how even if romance wasn't in our future that he'd always be in my life. I said I didn't think I could handle that. He disagreed saying that if it happened, we'd both be prepared for it. This prompted a story. It'll be up tomorrow for you to read. Because He only became part of my life fairly recently, there's a lot He doesn't know. There's a lot that I'm just now realizing and figuring out. I'll have a post ready for after the story to provide explanation and insight.

We spoke of other, private topics. Of conversations that need to happen, but not yet. I think parts were lost in translation. Maybe the story and following explanation will help clarify matters.

Since Wednesday though, we've been doing really good. We've resumed connecting. I felt comfortable to turn to Him again. I did so without hesitation on Friday. If I've learned anything, and if this is meant to work out in the end, we're the kind of people who will find a way.

Party

There's a party today, which I'm sure is going to be a cluster fuck. After talking with a number of people, no one knows what the demo presentation is actually on. The title is "Resistance Play" and I've heard anything from interrogation to rape play to grappling. That last one I think was a BS response by one of the leaders to appease people's minds. Yes, it's as bullshit as it sounds.

Either that or no one would bottom to anything else with this presenter. Basically this entire event has been screwy from the beginning.

On the bright side, I get to spend time with Sir! Yay! I've already been promised lots of hugs and cuddles.

And if that demo is on consensual-nonconsent, will NOT be watching. That's something I can do with Sir, only Him because there's a level of trust and an ongoing relationship. I will trigger being around a scene like that. He told me last night that He'll be there for me if anyone gives me shit about it.

The best part about all this is that the presenter was announced after many people bought their tickets to go to this event. The whole point was to have a play party. It got turned into an ego-stroking event for one of the group's leaders.

Yet Sir wonders why I love it so much here in Blogland and want to be a hermit from the rest of the world. Out there is crazy. Here? Been nothing but wonderful people and a great support system.

On another bright side, I am feeling better from earlier in the week so I should get to play with Sir!! He may have to go a little easy at first, just to be sure. Other than that though, it's all good! And if we can't play, there's always those lovely snuggles. :)

Our Weekend Adventures

Where to begin? We're both quite worn out and very happy. He left this morning as there was laundry to do as well as a meeting later this afternoon. And by leaving this morning, I mean I barely let Him leave at 11:30.

My cats approve of Him. For those who have pets, you know what I mean when I say that their judgement is pretty damn important. My cats are shy, reserved creatures. My night owl of a cat was downstairs yesterday hanging out with us. She doesn't even do that with me! The other one curled up in between Sir's legs last night. When He told me about that this morning, my heart swelled. That's just so cute!

Okay, for the parts you really want to hear about. Yes, we had our scene on Friday night. It didn't quite go the way we expected. The mood went from a break-in that was going to be filled with lots of fun to the middle of a horror movie. As soon as Sir began channeling Jack Nicholson's Joker, that's when I began crying and internally freaking out. He was trying to play mind games with me and it didn't quite translate.

Everything up to that was a lot of fun. I have lovely aches everywhere to show for it. I definitely resisted and fought back, which was fun. Apparently I liked it a bit too much as He had me on the couch at one point, fucking me hard and I was so wet that He couldn't get any traction. Heh, I ended up begging for Him to fuck me up in the ass once He had moved there. He teased me something terrible about how wanton I was.

The play only lasted about 2 hours, then we unwound for dinner. I was in a weird head space. Sir had decided that He couldn't continue on that way. It wasn't working for Him. I think when I started crying, it cut right down into Him. That man really is too sweet. He's not a mean nor heartless person. He can't even pretend to be one.

I realized that I like resisting, but ultimately I don't want it to be a stranger. I want it to be Sir. If we play aggressively with resistance again, the mood will be very different. Because it is fun fighting back, but I eventually want to give Him everything. And I couldn't help but inhale His aroma every time He got close to me. As I was crying I clung to Him, even as He was the one scaring me. I couldn't pretend because deep down I knew He was the man I'm madly in love with. The man who is my rock and strength.

We went to bed Friday night after lots of great sex. Woke up to more excellent sex. I got to have fun sucking His cock. And wildly fucking Him from on top, lol. That was fun! We also spent a good part of the night cuddled up together. So nice!

Yesterday we vegged and watched movies. He has all of "Who's line is it anyway?" on His laptop which we watched as we wound down for the night. One of the ones we watched was the unusual roommates of Bill Cosby and Hitler episode. I highly recommend watching that, lol. Honestly we just snuggled and reconnected on the couch for most of the day. It was wonderful to spend that time together.

Before He left this morning, we had some heart to heart stuff. Because I still have my doubts at times. Am I good enough? Does He miss me when we're not together? Which He helped calm some of those fears. He said that He missed me already, and He hadn't even left yet. I understood what He meant as I felt the same.

It was a much needed weekend for us. Bonding and bringing us back together. And I get to see Him on Tuesday! None of this waiting a month to see Him bullshit. Overall the weekend was pretty damn amazing and I can't wait to see Him in two days. As I do miss Him so much already.

A Night I Won't Soon Forget

I have a feeling this will be a long post as I'll be telling y'all about the roughly 24 hours from Friday into Saturday. So enjoy the ride!

It started innocently enough as I arrived at Sir's place. He was making dinner, which turned out quite well. I was thoroughly impressed. Then we watched Captain America and the Avengers, finishing up that movie series. At least for the time being, as I was informed Iron Man 3 will be out soon.

We snuggled and cuddled on the couch, with Him occasionally groping me. That man is a total tease!! One position was a perfect cuddle for me. I was leaning against Him in a way that He could rest His head against my arm. I loved that because every so often He'd nuzzle and kiss my arm gently. Slipping a hand up into my hair to gently pull was also quite delightful!

Mmmm, He did push me up against a wall in the kitchen (maybe the pantry closet door??) and kissed me deeply. My body responded immediately!! I melted in His arms and was soaking wet. Then He pushed me to my knees and had me suck Him for a while. I do so love that, probably nearly as much as He does, lol!!

After the movies were over, it was nearly midnight. He decided it was bedtime and I had no complaints to that! Once in His bedroom, He quickly removed my clothing. I've noticed He loves undressing me. There's something delicious about it that I can't quite put my finger on. His clothing quickly followed suit and I was back to sucking Him off.

He was quite satisfied with my performance, I think. Given His "Don't stop" when I had Him at my mercy (hee hee hee) and how nicely He came in/all over me, that's a technique I'll be keeping in mind for the future. Something He's not even aware of is that up until last night I'd never had a guy cum on my face. Surprising, I know. Kind of like I have never put a condom on a man's cock. Though for that, my hands are typically restrained so it's not like I've even had the opportunity. And before kink...well that was something the men always took care of. *shrugs*

He pulled me close for cuddles after He came. Heh, then He decided He wasn't through with me. I was told to get on the floor. As He pushed me gently down, I met His eyes. There was a hungry look in them. My slightly scary hunter had His prey cornered and He damn well knew it!! He thrust into me, claiming me. As my eyes met His, I could see the possessiveness. He was gauging my reactions. Enjoying how every deep thrust left me wide-eyed. I was in heaven, clinging to Him when able. Wanting to stay in the moment forever, being so physically and emotionally connected with Him.

All good things must come to an end as I found myself wrapped up in His arms, tucked into bed. He'd turned off the lights and I assume He meant for us to sleep. I was riled up, my mind racing. I had Meatloaf's "Two Out of Three" stuck in my mind as well as Sara Bareilles' "Stay". The lyrics to those are haunting and apt. I also had Toto's "Africa" in my head; I'm not going to even try to puzzle that one out.

Then I started giggling. It took a few minutes for me to stop. I still don't know why I erupted into a fit of laughter. Maybe nervousness? He kept giving me strange looks. I guess it was apparent to Him that I was wide awake.

He decided that in order for me to sleep, He was going to wear me out. Thoroughly and completely with more orgasms than my body could handle. As y'all know, orgasm control is a big part of our D/s relationship. Oh did He ever show His mastery of my body!! Sir had me on top of Him where I wasn't to fuck, but simply cum on command around His cock.

I lost count at 18. I wouldn't doubt we hit over two dozen. Pulling my hair down to Him while thrusting deep inside of me...I can't explain what that does to me, having Him deep and fully within me. We were so synced up. Every orgasm furthering His pleasure. He was completely in control, of my mind and body.

Then He took over fucking me for His pleasure. Yes, orgasm three for Him. Mmmm! By the end, I literally could not orgasm anymore. He tried but my body could not handle anything else. That's a damn good way to fall asleep!! As we readied ourselves for bed a second time, I slipped into a purple satin little nightie. I could tell Sir liked it as He couldn't keep His hands off of it and me.

He pulled me close as we fell asleep. I was wrapped up in His arms throughout the night. Feelings of being safe, protected, wanted, and cherished lingered deep within me. I'm still basking in the glow of sleeping in His arms. I didn't want to get out of bed either. Waking up next to Him was perfect. I watched Him sleep for a while as I clung to the moment of peace and sweetness as long as I could.

The Sadist does not play fair. Not one bit! I had forgotten the report. (well, not exactly...I just had no idea what to do as I normally text Him at the end of the night. Details that we worked out later) So to up the challenge, He had me get back on top and ride Him to make Him cum. But for every orgasm that I had, it was another minute of punishment. I was managing quite well, even with Him thrusting deep inside of me. Until He held me up by my throat as I rode Him, unable to use my hands for leverage.

Imagine that: Riding His cock while He had a hand around my throat. Some body weight held by my legs, the rest with His hand. Especially as He grabbed/pulled my hair to bring me closer to Him.

I was lost from that point. There was no saving me from the three orgasms that racked through my body. The final one was while He was coming inside of me. He warned me He was close and how could I not cum when my Sir was having an orgasm deep within me? The Sadist is a deliciously evil part of Him.

We truly didn't get out of bed and dressed until nearly noon. We bonded in that time. He had me read a short story a friend of His wrote. I was leaning against Him as I read. At one point, He rested His head in my lap, reading along with me.

Then we went out for breakfast and talked about a story that's been in my mind for years. We're both writers by choice and nature. He picked up on the themes of my story with such ease and helped fill in all the gaps. A one book story became four complete books, including a prequel, within an hour of conversation. I would love for Him to write this story with me. So we'll see how that goes. :)

We went back to His place to watch "Chuck"...last time...well, I wasn't allowed to talk about that. It's still a writing sitting in my drafts: mocking me. Maybe He'll finally let me post it! :-P  So an episode of Chuck later and it's nearly 3pm. Sir didn't want me to go and very honestly, I never wanted to leave. I am super comfortable with Him. He was doing His best to keep me there, even letting another episode start so as to entice me. But away I went, back to my home...that is very empty without Him.

So that was our first and truly wonderful night together. Memories I will hold close to me every night as I fall asleep...Until His arms can be wrapped around me once more.

Ending the year with a bang

WOW!!!

I thought the weekend was amazing. New years eve topped that by a long shot!!

To explain my last post a bit, and the "strange woman". I had a friend come up to spend the night. She's really cool and definitely added to the fun of the night. So she crashed in my bed because it's a King and there's plenty of room. However, a strange person in bed always causes me to sleep restlessly.

I highly doubt I'll be able to sleep whenever He and I spend that first night together. I'm all too aware of another person moving. Though He may have me snuggled too close for either of us to move, heh.

I had some marks from the weekend. Nice little bruises. I played with a lot of people that night. Given that it was at my house, I ended up the demo Top and bottom for a number of scenes. Yes folks, I can Top if necessary. It's not really my thing, but the two guys really enjoyed themselves.

I bottomed for two scenes...well, bottomed for one with K.

The other scene was with Sir. Mmmmmmm!! That was not bottoming. That was submitting. Big difference, lol.

Now to give you some insight into Him and I, we've been fairly reserved in public together. People have seen and commented on the energy between us. However, given we were still figuring things out, we kept ourselves as just friends and our actions further reflected that.

New years eve changed all of that. It was something we discussed ahead of time. He would be a bit more possessive of me. The physical and emotional distance would be removed. I'm sure it surprised a few people and I wouldn't doubt thoughts are stirring in people's minds.

We cuddled and snuggled in front of everyone for half the night. For which I was naked, though that's not surprising to our friends. That I stayed clothed as long as I did NYE was a surprise honestly. But the sexy cocktail dress needed to be shown off. :-D

Sir and I also scened, in front of people. A first for us. (We played privately over the weekend while people were upstairs.)

I have a larger number of bruises now. Heh, we found out I can orgasm from being hit in a very specific spot: the underside of my ass right where it meets my thighs. He made me cum with the cane over the weekend and a belt on NYE.

Mmmmm, I am a fan of the belt!!! Especially when He uses it on me!!

The floggers and crop were also nice.

Things got really interesting when He turned me around though. We were playing on the host's cross on NYE. When we locked eyes, two very different sides came out of us. The "Hunter" emerged from Him. This time there was no fear and shaking...

I laughed. Yeah...laughed when He hit me. Not because I thought the situation was funny, nor was I disrespecting Him.

He brought out the side that delights in the pain. It rarely makes an appearance but there wasn't a sub before Him. More like a wild creature that He was taming. It's intense to watch, from what I've been told.

Actually, a female friend of ours was watching our scene and became quite concerned for me. She'd never seen me play that hard before and was worried that Sir was hitting me too hard. But a few friends explained that as long as I wasn't saying my safe word, then there was nothing anyone could do. Not to mention that different people can handle different types of pain.

Monday night, I needed Sir to hurt me. I didn't want the nice and gentle side that I love dearly. That was for later in the night. On that cross, I needed Him to hurt me. Mark me. Tear me down to bare open all that I am.

Then cuddle me for the next three hours, LOL!!!

I'm still flying pretty damn high from that night. Crossing my fingers and hoping I don't crash from this. If I do, let it be next week when I can see Him again.

We're doing a vanilla movie/dinner night. Going to see Les Miserables next Wednesday. Should be a very nice time. :)

Bittersweet

I know what happened last night isn't my fault, but I feel partially responsible.

If I hadn't come over...

If it had been a different day...

If I had been more aware and conscious of surroundings...

*sighs*

I hope He's doing a bit better today. He seemed to be doing better a few hours after I left. We'd been texting. I was trying to offer the same support He's given me 1,000 times. I hope it was good enough.

It had been such a good day too. Vanilla(ish...because a blow job in the kitchen isn't really vanilla, lol). We'd been making soup. Watching Thor and Iron Man 2. Yep, He's slowly showing me the movies that lead up to the Avengers. Don't worry, I ask Him to. :-P

I did get lots of snuggles and cuddles. I enjoy being wrapped up in His arms. It's a very safe place to be.

No real kink, which He did warn me that there might not be. Which was fine.

The power exchange has gotten put on the back burner for now. Neither of us are in the right head space for it.

I'm sure it won't be too long...but there's no pressure either. I want Him to be okay again.

I have a few ghosts from the past to shake off myself.

Heh, on a happier note to end this...we were sitting on the couch, cuddled close. He offhandedly mentioned that He reads this every day.

*waves at Him*  Hi! ^_^

Drunken Messages

I sent Him drunken texts last night. Upon waking up this morning, I was so embarrassed.

Thankfully He thought I was cute. :)

He also told me I'm incorrigible.

Why?

Because I told Him I wanted drunk snuggles. That for me means a night of snuggling, sober sex in the morning, and then more snuggles.

At least I didn't start singing. Typically I need hard liquor for that, but it's been so long since I was last drunk, I wouldn't have been surprised. And of course the more drunk I become, the louder and worse the singing gets.

There's a fine line in there. Where I'm comfortable enough to sing and yet still sound decent.

Hmm, He owes me a funny story. I'm rereading our conversation from last night, just for your reference.

Mmmm, I get lots of smiles from Him next time too. He told me I could have them. Because He's gorgeous when He smiles. He's good looking all the time. But when He smiles?? He's heart stopping.

Good lord, am I still drunk?? LOL

This is frankly just exhaustion talking though. That also lowers the walls and makes me want to tell y'all all about that man. Why I love every part of Him. Why He fits so well into all the parts of my life.

I'll be nice though. More for His sake than all of yours. He's a private man. Not even a fan of public affection. Kind of surprised He puts up with this blog actually. Probably because He doesn't feel like He can legitimately tell me to not blog about Him.

Would it be unwise to tell Him I would stop talking about Him, if He wanted me to?? Because I would if this made Him unhappy...yeah, I'm not in love or anything, lol. I know He would never stop my creativity like that...but I worry about things like that.

In summary? According to Him, I am cute/funny when drunk. Something to test out in person at some point.

Waiting

We're always talking religion. Last night was no exception. I have a book to read that He gave me. It's called "The Ragamuffin Gospel."

We managed to get the day together, as well as some time for just us. It was nice, so nice!

Oh don't look at me like that!!!

I told ya, we only had plans to snuggle and cuddle. Which we did. A lot.

I had my head in His lap at one point. He was playing with my hair, which was just uncooperative. Poor thing. I have to put a lot of crap in it to tame the beast that is my hair. Mousse likes to tangle my hair a bit. Okay, a lot. At least it wasn't it's usual poofy mess.

To be fair to my hair, He had ruffled it quite a bit. It had been put up, hastily taken down to snuggle earlier that day. We had a little time to cuddle while we watched a movie. Hair being up is not conducive to snuggling. There was wind, and a day's worth of fuss to it, so it was understandably non-cooperative...

But the playing with hair, His hand stroking my face...that was really nice. I was about to fall asleep on Him, though mainly the couch. I knew I couldn't stay but I wanted to. Just to stay right there in that moment.

Safe, protected, happy.

We talked about "us", as our conversation inevitably leads to there. How even in my dreams the man confuses me. I swear the night before last, I had a dream where He told me that "this" wouldn't work. Then maybe 10 minutes later in dream time said something along the lines of: I still care for you. This could work down the road....it was an assumed I want you to wait. I can't remember if He actually asked me to wait in the dream or not though.

Seriously, even my own head is fucking with me now...as if He wasn't enough.

While we were talking, He said that it'd be a terrible idea if He took me upstairs and did all the things He wanted to do to me.

Apparently fucking my brains out was on that list.

It is a terrible idea. Absolutely. But I was horny and for a brief moment I almost said, "what are we waiting for?"

At the same time, I was contently curled up with Him. We were having an excellent conversation. I didn't really want to move from that spot, not even for sex.

I enjoy looking up at Him. He's quite taller than me normally, but with my head on His lap...very different perspective. Mmmmm, I like!!!

I told Him I would wait. Hell, I am waiting. My mind is set. There are plenty of other people interested. I want Him, only Him...very different for someone who is typically very fluid in relationships. Very poly normally.

Doesn't matter. I want Him. It's the love I have for Him that gives me feelings I had long buried. Gives me hope and safety. Gives me strength.

He's the one who reaches out a hand, when my world is falling apart around me. He has been so good to and for me. He's an excellent friend, one of the best I've ever had.

How could I not wait for a man like that?

I think most wait with the assumption of "some day"...it's something we've talked about. But there is no assuming here.

So I will wait in action, and for a time when "this" has a chance to be "us".

What this could be is worth waiting to do it right. He's worth waiting for, always has been.

The Unexpected and Some Sweetness

He had me grinning like crazy last night. I think I had Him smiling a lot too.

Work had stressed Him out and I sat listening. Being the support He needed in that moment.

We talked about the somewhat surprise I got earlier yesterday. One of my best friends, she has an almost 20 month old son. When they're that young, months seem more accurate than years. She is going to need surgery. Nothing terrible, but it's in her reproductive system. If all goes well, she'll be a lot healthier and her body won't be screwed up anymore.

She's changing her Will. She asked me yesterday, if anything happened, would I take care of her son...of course I would! I love her and her son. I could never deny either of them help if it was within my power. It changes everything though.

Heh, I told Him it made me feel more of an adult than buying a house did. He said, "I think you'd do a great job :)" and I know he means it. Just a bit overwhelming. Chances are my friend will be fine. She's fairly young and has a lot of will power in her. This surgery is to make her life easier, not a necessity. She's in good health otherwise. It's just a matter of making sure things are taken care of, which I completely understand.

Then I just virtually curled up with Him for the rest of the night and stayed that way. I would stay curled up with Him all the time, if I could. He's a tall, big guy: 6'4 and a strong build. I'm a foot shorter than Him, lol. To say that I would feel totally safe and protected is an understatement.

Strange as it may sound, all I would want is to be held by Him. Feel His arms wrapped around me. Maybe ruffle His hair. I'm kind of in lust with His hair. *pet pet* ha ha ha! This is why He finds me adorable and cute. :)

Jeez, I'm smiling and grinning again. He told me last night that He likes making me grin. I like it too! ^_^ He's super sweet, adorable, caring...He says He's just being Himself. That's my point. When He lets His guard down, He's just a bundle of sweetness. It's one of the things I adore about Him.

Now we need to find some time for just us so we can cuddle properly! Because this soft and warm woman is craving His embrace. :)

I want to snuggle with Him ^_^

He says I'm much happier, more alive. More like when we first met. ^_^

It's had a very pleasant reaction with Him. He feels more at ease.

We're trying to set plans for a good snuggle session. Maybe throw on a movie. It sounds terribly vanilla, I know!

But moments like this are irresistible to me!!

I don't mind and neither does He. We both crave the physical closeness that comes with cuddling.

I even told Him that I want to cuddle Him while I sleep, which is unlike me. I do not like being touched when I sleep. For Him though? I'd make an exception. He's safe and trustworthy.

There are no set plans. It'll happen when it does. We'd love to snuggle all night together. He said to me last night, "you seem like you'd fit well."  I have to agree. It always feels right when He wraps His arms around me.

I'm feeling a little under the weather, which is why I'm likely so super cuddly. But then, I always want to cuddle Him. I have since the beginning. Goes back to feeling safe around Him. It's nice to have that safety and trust in another person.

Oh one last thing, the other day I had this desire to attend a church service with Him. I told Him about it. He thinks it would be good. Likely to show me a different perspective of Christianity. I think I surprised Him by asking. We'll see what happens with that.

Personally I think it'll be a lot of fun. It's been years since I attended anything but a Catholic service. Spoiler alert: I was Presbyterian until I was 8 years old. I vaguely remember our old church. I want to say there was a large projection screen that was sometimes used. I even remember my mom teaching a sunday school class and it was the Noah's arc story.

I had always enjoyed church, no matter the denomination. The Anglican service in DC was interesting. Close to Catholism but different enough. There was a woman leading the service. It was refreshing. So I look forward to what His church can show me. I have a feeling it'll lead to quite a number of intriguing conversations. I look forward to them.

And all of those wonderful snuggles. Lots of cuddles and snuggles. Definitely looking forward to those! ^_^