Frustrations

In my last post, I mentioned how He's going to Indiana in October. Earlier this afternoon He told me the dates for when He'll be gone. If you had already guessed, like myself, that He'd be gone for my birthday--you get a cookie. I'm still not angry. Even though I truly expected this outcome, the intensity of the initial stab of pain was surprising. But I'll get over it. We'll still celebrate both of our birthdays, even if not on the actual days.

I have a hate/please-just-go-away relationship with my birthday. It has a habit of being a terrible reminder of how lonely I am. I consider those average birthdays. The bad ones have consisted of funerals, being robbed, and being evicted from my apartment. That Sir is going to be a few states away is setting this birthday to still be above par compared to prior birthdays. Which as depressing as all of that sounds, my best birthday in many years was last year. Sir played a large role in that. I know He'll do something sweet to make up for the fact that He won't be there on the actual day.

"Begin Murderous Rampage Now" Yes please!! LOL

Honestly, I did vent my frustration to the best friend. That's what best friends do, lol. She offered to do something with me on the actual day of my birthday. But see, I actually do have something going on that day. Two of my friends are getting married to each other. I hadn't mentioned it to Sir yet, as it was still far off, but I had hoped to bring Him with me. So much for that, heh.

I likely will take the best friend up on her offer though, but for the following day. She already knew that Sir wasn't going to be around for His own birthday. Her husband travels for work on a regular basis so she can completely relate. We were talking about how I have a technical four day window to celebrate His birthday with Him, with the reality being two days.

Oh yeah, surprise! When I go to visit the BF in our home state, we end up at the shore with several friends, as I'm only able to see these people a few times a year. The sole week all summer that worked for everyone was June 15th to the 22nd. So He'll be gone for a week and a half only for me to leave as soon as He gets back.   *sigh*  

It's just a whole bunch of frustration that life is getting in the way. Nothing is inherently bad; it's all a matter of timing. Most of which (or possibly all) can't really be helped. I needed to vent because I was really nice to Sir. I was not about to start a fight or an argument. There was no point. And I'm truly not angry. These are simply situations where I'm not going to win and I have to accept that.

So now, I'm going to grab more coffee and write. My main character needed to be frustrated anyway so I can better get into her head. That's what optimism looks like, right??

Some Days Need To End And Be Forgotten

I won't even go into the nightmare that today was. I don't want to relive it, ever. Just know that I have my furniture and those people will never see another cent from me. Which is sad for them because I adore antiques.

Thank god, the saints, the angels, any and all pantheons, heck any divine being that may exist that I got to see my Sir today!!! I surely would have cracked with blinding rage and stress otherwise.

He helped me decompress. Granted, I'm still feeling the effects the anger left behind. I think I stop breathing properly which my body doesn't agree with at all. Here's to hoping a good night's sleep will do me good!

So, as great as it was to see Him, I received some displeasing news. Not only is His work taking Him from me this first week of June, it's now been decided that He has to go away on the 12-14th. His birthday is the 12th. It's great for His job as it means more training. That's awesome and I'm very happy! But why, heavens above WHY did they need to take Him from me on His birthday? Mind you, the first I would have celebrated with Him.

And to top it off, I found out that He's going to Indiana in October. Silly me didn't ask when. Want to guess when my birthday is? Yeah, I will not be thrilled if He'll be gone then. Not angry or upset, just not exactly happy either. And I reserve the right to change my mind about that too, lol! He's going job hunting while He's out there. Yay...maybe?? I'm of two minds when it comes to Him and jobs.

Thankfully today is almost over. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully it'll end up better than this one. Yeah, I've got nothing else. I got my ass kicked on several levels and that's all the optimism I have at the moment.

I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Weekend! :)

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

I have to give Him credit. He noticed that I didn't send the daily report nor did I say good morning to Him. Heh, as He said, "When you're not speaking to me, alarm bells go off."

He sent me a "good morning" text. Didn't realize what was wrong as He hadn't read my blog yet. I told Him that I wasn't doing well. Spent a few hours crying last night. And by crying, I mean sobbing my eyes out to the point that the pups were constantly by my side trying to make me feel better. I barely slept. I had horrid dreams where I was raped and almost died. I did not want to get out of bed this morning; I didn't want to face the world.

See, a guy I used to be with--a Dom--he up and left me after months of time, effort, and energy we put into each other and into "us". I wrote to him, all my concerns, and I was much nicer about it than last night too. He walked away from me and occasionally since has been an annoying little thorn in my side.

I had convinced myself that Sir was going to leave. That He was bored with me. He must be. He was going to be so angry, hate what I wrote, and leave. I went to some very dark places last night. Depression is one hell of a bitch.

Turns out Sir took a personal day today for job hunting related reasons. He was done with those around noon. He wanted to see me. The monster had to be down for his nap so I had Sir come here to talk. Instead of being angry like I expected, He told me that what I wrote was true. I'd become so part of His life that He took me for granted. He was so sorry that He had caused me pain and that He'd been neglecting me.

We bonded over a discussion about religion and...well...sex. He brought over some new toys. Yum! The one dildo He left in me the whole time we talked. Then we went upstairs to enjoy some private time with one another. Apparently playing with me and making me constantly cum turns Him on. :-D

We were standing in the kitchen, after we had our fun. I started crying, all those emotions from last night welling up. I asked outright if He was bored with me. Not at all, He's actually surprised I'm not bored with Him and how vanilla He is. (which is such BS as He's not vanilla) How could I ever be bored with the man who has helped me start living again?? Frustrated every now and then, sure. Never bored.

I didn't want Him to leave. He didn't want to leave either. Even if He didn't spend the night, I wanted more time together. Unfortunately He had other commitments tonight. I truly understand. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays are busy. I've known this for months. But we need to find a balance. A way to spend time together. He even said that I was there first, I'm the priority. I'm going to hold Him to that.

And I will do my best to let it never get to this point again. It was several months culmination of issues that I saw as minor. Yet staying in touch, making time for us IS important. I reached a breaking point last night and it did neither of us any good, all the keeping things to myself.

We'll try harder. That's all there is to it. Because even though He's a little oblivious at times, He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. We'll get it right one of these days.

Nagging Doubts

The ex I mentioned from yesterday's post is the reason why I struggle with maintaining hope. That guy did quite a number on me.

Sir knows a bit about that relationship. I think He sees it as a very bad decision I made and what a mess it was. I can't agree nor disagree with that. It was what it was, though I know it wasn't my smartest decision.
I was pretty well crushed when it ended. Some of the internal chains are from that relationship, and the strict control of another that picked up soon after it.

I had to have a lot of hope. Remain positive and believe that things would be better, easier, less complicated.

There had to be a lot of trust, too. I exposed myself mentally and emotionally in ways I had never done before...nor since. The ex-Dom I was with when this blog started asked for those levels of openness and I couldn't give it to him. I was too broken and shattered to find the pieces, let alone hand them over.

With Sir, it's been a lot of baby steps. I know He's always seen the wounds, been trying to help me heal them.

I really didn't want hope back. I didn't want to place myself out there again to be vulnerable. Apparently I just can't help myself. I must be that much of a masochist.

I look at what Sir and I have, and some part of me believes it can only end one way: with a whole lot of pain and heartache. I've tried from the beginning to not be so jaded. I know it's a chance every relationship takes. But it's the part of me that's still picking up the pieces of my heart, waiting for all that work and healing to come undone again.

He's given me no reason to think this. Very much the opposite and there's proof throughout this blog. I know He doesn't want to make promises He can't keep, something I've always appreciated. I want to make it clear that I in no way blame Him for any of this, nor hold Him accountable for not fixing it.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Only that I have thoughts in my mind, fears and doubts. All internal. I'm trying to work on them and keep them out of this blog, as well as our relationship. But I realized, I don't trust Sir to stay in my life.

If there's a way to fix that, I don't know it. I trust Him with a lot, so much in fact. Just not to stay. Which I know leads to insecurities and jealousy...I know this and I don't like it. I'm doing what I can to keep it away from affecting and hurting our relationship.

There's so much that's good and amazing between us. We've barely even begun and it has the possibility to be even more incredible.

But that little voice is there, nagging at the back of my mind. More so, as of late. I don't expect anyone to do anything about it. It's my burden to bear. I couldn't keep it inside and to myself anymore though.

Slipping & Crawling Back Up

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a very long couple of days. Had friends over for super bowl. Then an emergency had me leaving quickly to best friend and her son. They're both okay now. Little man is on medicine--that of course he doesn't want to take. It was a stressful last few days though.

Speaking of stress, I was thinking too much in the shower yesterday evening. There's something good in there, I know it. But upon expressing it to Sir, nothing worked right. I started feeling myself retreat so I went purposefully numb. The depression was trying to kick my ass, and almost did.

See, when the depression makes a full on attack like that, everything gets twisted. Even things that should be good things, my brain says: "He only cares "this" much, and you care "that" much...and it'll never work. You'll be hurt. You'll never be happy."

Pretty fucked up I know. I don't blame Him; I never would. Honesty is appreciated and He gives me that. It's not His fault my mind can twist just about anything...

But. Yes, there is a "but" to all of this.

We kept talking. Once I explained that it was on me, not an outward projection...He thought I was thinking He was just going to up and leave me. No, it's not like that. It all focuses inward.

That all started around 6:30. By 11, I was doing okay. The moment I called Him "Sir" it was like the pieces fell back into their proper places. It felt so right. He agreed, which helped even more.

Today I'm still a little jumpy, emotionally. But I am okay. This is not the norm for me. He says I'm in the early stages of healing. I think I have to agree after how I managed last night. A large part is in thanks to Sir. He was fantastic and supportive...unlike so many people from my past.

Intentionally or not, they were helping to feed the depression. Because when I get dismissed or being told I'm acting unreasonable/irrational, it confirms all of the negative thoughts. Skews me further down that dark path. So I in turn make worse decisions, even as I try to make things okay between myself and the other person.

I am so thankful to have Sir. How He treats me gives me hope. Though I sometimes begrudge Him for giving me hope, I'm actually quite grateful for it.

Helpless

My community is crashing and I don't know what to do about it.

I see it all and I'm helpless to stop it from happening.

Two friends are being blind about a man who is only using them as a status symbol. Even when confronted by all the evidence, most of which they've gathered on their own, they still fall right in line and believe his bull shit.

Another two friends are terrible for each other because they have no clue how to communicate. And it's sent a horrific spiral throughout our close-knit group. Because of their inability to have a reasonable conversation, the physical health of two people outside of their "whatever the fuck they are" were put in danger.

A predator has returned, as has his victim. Though she's mentally unstable, or was the last I heard from her. And she's a predator in her own sense, in that she is desperately searching for a Dom at least half her age.

A female friend is traveling from one poly group to the next, completely lost. She's going to really fuck herself up mentally/emotionally if she doesn't get a hold of reality. Reasonable expectations are necessary for a healthy relationship...I've learned that lesson first hand.

K and R were having some issues. I think they're all good now. But it had a bit to do with me, semi-indirectly. At least I think I helped with that situation.

But I feel utterly helpless. I want to be furious and shake sense into these people. I know it won't do any good.

I'm empathetic. I want to help fix the people I love. I hurt when they hurt. I stress more when the people around me are freaking out. When Sir is having a bad day, I feel it deep within me. It's a motivational tool to help people.

And Sir...He has issues of His own right now. Work stuff. I'm worried about Him. There's nothing I can do besides be there for Him. Also, be good and not be needy until He can sort things out internally. Working on the being good part. I forgot my daily report last night. My punishment is guilt and humiliation, in that He's going to remind me of it for awhile.

A consistent jab at my mistake. But there's a lesson in there. Reinforcement. Get me to the point where it becomes ingrained. I understand it, even as it hurts.

I just want people to be happy. I feel absolutely powerless to help them.

Introspection and Plans

Alcohol and introspection is a very interesting combination. Not necessarily the good kind of interesting though.

I was drinking chocolate wine last night. It is as delicious as it sounds. Pretty sure I have a new favorite.

I'd been introspective most of the day. Wasn't anything bad per se, just being in my own head for awhile.

The alcohol was a bad choice in that the slightest things were setting me off into tears. It wasn't even taking much. An errant thought here and there found myself crying.

I was up late last night. Curled up with pillows and my thoughts. Once I got to bed, my sleep was restless.

Before you ask, He and I are fine. :)

There's going to be a lot of changes in the next year. Plans being put into action. Whispers and hints that things are shifting. A few maybes and what-ifs. Whole bunch of unknowns.

But while in this whole introspective mindset, there were some pretty concrete foundations making an appearance.

Heh, there's a distinct feeling of being tested. To see if my resolve is as strong as I believe it to be. Only time will tell.

I don't want to be vague but I've tried to write out what's going on and I keep deleting it. There's just so much that could happen.

I can tell you where it starts. Pulling out about 10-11 years of paperwork from boxes in closets. Incomplete documentation, I should add.

That's my plan for January. Going through all of that crap and seeing if anything new stands out. Familiarize myself with what's there and not there. Then see what I can do to obtain complete documentation from the company in question.

Yeah, it's going to be a very busy and complicated year.

Bad Behavior

I feel downright terrible about last night. Apparently suppressing emotions doesn't end well.

All that pain, anger, frustration came to the surface. He said I was malevolent in nature.

I slapped Him while out at the bar...across the face. Not hard or for real...but I did. As soon as I did, I had an "OMG what did I just do??" moment.

I felt terrible last night but now that I'm sober, there's so much guilt and general horrible feelings.

And He was so sweet to me too.

He diffused the malevolence and overall bad mood. (well to some extent I guess, because I slapped Him after that...)

Even after all this unfolded, the man gave me two orgasms and then let me have His cum.

Then we spent another twenty talking and kissing.

He is too good to me. Especially after my horrible behavior. It was uncalled for, as it presented itself.

I just apologized again to Him, now that I'm sober and the reality of my actions and behavior has hit me.

*sighs*  I'm hoping my bad head space is now gone and I can go back to being His cute kitten again.

Bandaging "Us"

If we weren't good at communicating, our friendship would have been a smoldering pile of ashes a long time ago.

We're okay. A little scuffed and shaken up, but we'll live.

We're also excellent at triggering the other...considering how many triggers we both have, this is not surprising at all.

Our friendship was built on disclosure and a continual building of trust. That's the only reason we're both standing okay right now.

Even as I was angry with Him, I wanted to run into His arms. Say, "Help me fix this, please."

In a more metaphorical sense, I did. And we've been talking ever since. Trying to understand each other. To be fair, we never really stop talking.

We haven't reset back to the beginning, even if it felt like it.

There's still quite a bit to talk about before we get anything going again.

Just because I love the man doesn't mean there aren't still a few points of contention. Either we do this right and keep with it, or we wait until that is possible.

Because this on and off crap is not cool.

I have faith in Him, and in us, that we'll find a way to make it work.

More Changes

There's really not much to say.

This isn't three steps back.

This is back to square one.

Frankly I have no idea what He wants and is going to do...because He has no clue.

I'm still buried deep within my own mind.

I'm sure there's a breakdown and outright horrible reaction waiting for when I do emerge.

He told me yesterday when I saw Him that the time frame on things is moved.

After our conversation last night, I'm not convinced there will ever be anything more than a friendship.

Some part of me knew it was too good to be true. It's why I set the expectation bar low. But the man gave me hope. That bloody dangerous and destructive thing.

I shouldn't be this angry, sad, hurt, disappointed. I do understand from His perspective.

It's just...these are the same things that have been around all along.

I hate when people tell me they're going to do something and then don't. There's always a reason of course.

I'm dysfunctional as fuck but at the end of the day I say "suck it buttercup" and I do what I said I was going to do.

The problem is what exists now? Then let's stir the pot and see what happens. *grins evilly*

Cuteness Relative to Anger??

I can not be angry or not-amused around Him. At least not for long. Why?

He thinks it's CUTE!!!

I was giving Him a "I'm not amused look" on Monday. I don't recall the specifics. He was likely being ridiculous. Our guy friend sitting next to Him knew to tread lightly.

But no! He thinks I'm just damn adorable when I'm trying to be angry, stern, mad, frustrated, etc.

It's so infuriating! And not for the reasons you're thinking. He's not poking fun at me and He's definitely not belittling my anger.

He legitimately thinks I look adorable and cute. He wants to pinch my cheeks and tell me just how cute I am.

Which makes me smile...

...grin like a fool...

...sigh in wistful contentment.

He takes all the fun out of being angry! Because then whatever He was doing no longer matters. Suddenly I see Him as all sweet and adorable again.

This is actually a great thing. I'm so well aware of that. Anger, resentment, frustration, etc are terrible things. Those eat away at happiness and peace in one's life. That He can defuse those moments is awesome!

He does have a very sweet, apologetic smile that more than makes up for Him taking the wind out of my sails. It's one of those "I'm sorry, I want to bundle you up in cuddles" smiles.

It's just in that moment, when I'm giving Him a look, it's just damn irritating that He can so easily make it disappear. I don't like being mad at Him either, which that likely helps. And it's never anything major so it's not like we have issues.

Like I said, I can't even remember what He was doing. I think part of Him does like getting under my skin. Sadist! Then being able to just turn off the reaction like a damn switch. That's the Dom in Him. Playing me like a well tuned instrument.

Damn Him for making me enjoy it too! :-P  Because smiling contently after being angry is much better than just smiling and being content on its own. I'm somehow more pliant and controllable. If I didn't know better (and I do), I'd swear He was doing all of this on purpose.

Anyone else get these moments where the other person can quickly and easily defuse your anger?? It'd be good to know it's not just me (and us lol).

Also to those in the US, hope y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving with lots of delicious food and great memories with friends and family!!!

Crash & Burn...Hope & Love

When I crash and burn it's a lot like an airplane taking a nose dive into the ground. I say into the ground because typically I'm able to watch the descent even if I can't do anything to stop it.

Last week though, I flew straight into a mountainside. It was unexpected. I wasn't prepared (as much as anyone can be for these things).

Then it was like waking up from a horrible dream that I can't shake.

Because I misread Him. And fuck it, I'm capitalizing the "H"s again. For the sake of clarity and out of respect. Maybe a little bit too because I love Him and feel like He deserves some recognition from me.

I realize I often misread Him and the situation. He needs to work on communication skills that don't involve three hour in person meetings every time He needs to tell me something. Or I find out things every three or four weeks.

See, He reads this blog. He knows me in several places where He has access to what I'm thinking and feeling. Sometimes my feelings just are. Like I misread the situation, again.

*news flash*  
That will likely end up being the story of this blog, at this rate.
*news flash*

When I was expressing myself, it wasn't a confrontation towards Him, though He took it as one. Simply, He wanted to know what was going on in my head. So I told Him.

Fears and doubts aren't always rational or right. That doesn't mean they don't exist and aren't affecting me greatly.

So back to the plane crash. There are things I do after a "plane crash":

• I make sure I'm alive.

• I check out the wreckage.

• Typically it's on fire, so I have to put it out. That can take awhile.

• I do what I have to do, being numb most of the time with occasional bursts of hysteria.

• Figure out where I am so I can find a way to continue on to where I'm going.

I thought I lost Him, for good. Even if it's not the case, my mind began to go through that process.

While I'm keeping it together pretty damn good, I've been crying my eyes out randomly. I'm set off oh-so-easily.

It's going to take some time to realize that the crash and burn didn't really happen. I'm still going to have to heal from it in some way.

This is something I'm not sure He's seeing.

Maybe I'm a little bit afraid to put myself back out there without a better understanding of Him and what He wants.

I think He sees I'm hurting because He feels bad about it. He's afraid of doing it again. But I want to scream, "You can't leave! I can handle the scrapes and bruises. Please don't pull away...because that will break me."

I have it bad for Him. Heck, I'm in love and not afraid to say it. I love Him still, even though our miscommunication hurt me. It was two sided-I don't blame Him.

I see His scars and I want to heal them...I don't care if they were self-inflicted or caused by others.

I want to touch, kiss, and hold Him until He no longer feels alone.

I want to make Him smile each and every day.

I want to feed the Hunter inside of Him, because I'm not afraid and never will be.

I want to help Him grow to be the man He so wants to become.

So yeah, I may be hurting. I may be questioning a little. But I adore and love this man. I will endure for Him, if that's what He wishes.

This pain is but a drop in the ocean compared to everything wonderful He makes me feel.

We both need to not forget that temporary bad doesn't outweigh all the good.

Solutions?

I've spent the weekend resigning myself to the fact that we both have feelings for one another, but they're not doing us any good. So I stuffed those feelings into boxes. I hope it'll hold, though it never has before.

Part of why I express that I'm poly by nature is so I don't have to do this very thing. I know it's bound to happen sooner or later.

The problem with boxing up feelings is they tie back to feelings about others. So I'm sad and it's creeping into my other relationships.

It can only be a temporary solution, I'm aware. I'm also seeing him this evening at a local event. I'll be surprised if my system lasts the night.

Part of the problem is that I enjoy the feelings I have for him. They're warm and happy.

They also drive me insane because I can't do a damn thing with them. That leads to frustration and heart ache.

I don't see a real good solution to all of this. I'm hoping these feelings will dissipate with time, if not fizzle out all together.

Except I know that's not really how I want to feel...

I'm pretty well fucked.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

Last night did not go according to plan...

I think someone (up there) has it out for me or him, maybe both of us. Even when I have walls erected to keep him out, he knows exactly how to dismantle me to see where I'm hidden away.

When I took the walls down, it felt right. I felt safe. I wanted to be held by him and not let go.
It was also strange, even for us. We were more in tune. Everything clicked and when our eyes met, the world slipped away.

He told me something, as we were heading out. He had just held me close, stroked my arm gently.

"The choice that's mine to make...I know what you would choose so it's up to me." pause "I can't do it. I would be overwhelming..."

I replied, "I don't know what my options are. I don't know if I could even if I wanted to..."

At that moment, two friends we had been at dinner with came over to talk with us for a little longer in the parking lot. A decent distraction for an awkward moment.

I know he would not share control of me well. It would cause a division between us, should we try.

Or more likely, it would drive away the other two people in my life. Something neither of us want.

I don't know what the plan was supposed to be. I didn't expect to come home and sit in my drive way, banging on my steering wheel. Nor did I expect to be silently screaming and shaking with rage when I laid in bed.

But when he looks at me, seeing me oh so clearly...accepting, inviting me closer into his world...I can't help but respond.