Panic

Time seems to be slipping away from me...again. I had a post for Friday that was irrelevant by the time I could actually post it.

I was gone all week. Too many close calls lately, all within one house. I was with Sir yesterday. I'll tell you about the fun stuff tomorrow...but I received a phone call. It was the friend I had been with because shit was hitting the fan. She cried and I talked her through it. I started crying my eyes out the moment I hung up.

Sir was good about it. Let me cry and held me tight. He said at one point that He envies my heart. Ya know, the compassion, empathy, all that jazz. Days like yesterday, I'm not so sure I want it.

I faded in and out for a while after that. I know I had a panic attack. The damn man brought up knives. Evil fuckers. Normally I can talk about them. No big deal. But it seems like everything has been crashing down around me lately.

I kind of broke a little. Panic attack. I could tell He was damn worried about me. There are little bits and pieces. I was singing softly to myself. It's a method of forcing me to breathe, and control the breathing. I remember Him trying to get me to focus. Once it was a full blown panic attack, His voice was the only thing bringing me back. Harsh, rough...with a hint of fear and pain.

He was really good about it. Better than anyone ever was. I'm so grateful I had Him there. It would have been a lot worse without Him.