Friday, February 1, 2013

What's Important

Sir has agreed to do a guest my not so subtle request. He's so sweet. :-)  So keep an eye out for that in the near future!

Last night was rough on us. I was in a bad place all day which culminated into something ugly by the nighttime. To His credit, He didn't leave me alone to handle it myself. Quite the opposite in fact. I know it couldn't have been easy for Him, especially not being in person.

For us, sex and kink are easy. Seamless. Granted there's a lot of unexplored territory there. However, the power exchange and all this could possibly be will be a cakewalk. His comment sums nicely what we are about:

"That's why I push off sex and kink.
Because they're easy. And they don't take work.
Focusing on what takes work is important, everything else can happen later.

It's why I want you as a person.
Not as someone to fuck or beat
but as a person, a friend."

If anyone is more aware of the damage and its effect, that would be Him. Saw it the day we met and yet continued down this path anyway. I have to admire that, though He'd claim that it's just who He is and what He does.

I'm terrified that the more He sees, the less He'll want me until the day He leaves all together. It's what everyone else has done, or they've ignored it. Abandonment and rejection. Yeah, this kitty has some deep scars, battle wounds from life and love.

Yet I always forget what I just mentioned above: He saw it as soon as we met.

The walls I use to hide myself away have been nothing more than sheer curtains He can brush aside with ease at any time. I even mentioned this in my second post. Nothing He's seen has been a surprise. Instead of pushing me away, He's wanted to pull me close and comfort me.

In a moment of clarity late last night as I was already laying in bed, I wrote Him a letter to His email...okay that's not the whole story. After we said our good nights, I was feeling very lost and concerned. So I looked up and talked to God. Something along the lines of: "I'm supposed to be talking to you again. I could use a little help right now."

Honestly, I was able to be more clearheaded and stable shortly after that. I also didn't want to go to sleep with all that friction between us so I poured my heart out onto the page. I wanted Him to know just how much I appreciate and love Him. Because for all the damaged pieces lined with unhealed scars, I love Him with all my heart.

For Him, and our future, I will walk the path He sets us on. Crawl on hands and knees if need be. No, I'm not talking kink and BDSM. Like I said, those are easy. He wants to help me. He wants to take control and lead. Be the safe place to help me heal and grow.

Okay, I'm splitting hairs by not calling it kink. Because it does sound like a power exchange relationship, does it not? It's the out of the bedroom stuff. The whole package, which is what I always wanted. He wants all of me; the person, not just the fetish. I have to trust and allow Him to do what He needs to do.

Wish me luck on letting go of the last few pieces I hold on tight to!!

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