Monday, June 24, 2013

When Needs Change

"It's about getting what you need,
not what you want."

...said Rebecca to me yesterday afternoon. I've always known this when it came to TTWD. I have a list of what I think I need. Just now, I reread that list and apparently I forgot a few things on it. It's overall a fantastic list, one I've not been following--given how some of my D/s relationships have been. It's a list of 21 important aspects I want in a D/s relationship.

Most of what I listed could have been about Sir. Back then, I wasn't sure I'd ever find a man like that. There are a few things on the list that aren't nearly as important now as they were then. I've been searching for an equal. A man who would respect me and cherish me just as I am. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that and found people who didn't treat me as such. That is until I met Sir.

No, our styles and particular flavors of TTWD don't look like the usual kinds. He wants me strong, capable, confident, and whole. He wants me to be free of the past and its chains. He wants me to kneel before Him because I choose to do so, not because I'm too weak to stand on my own.

I came across some things He said last August. (don't ask how I managed to find these, lol) 

"I have this horrible habit of giving people what they need rather than what they want."

"We share some traits, and one of them is having an answer instantly, but dancing around it or trying to change it until we have no choice but admit that the instinct was right."

"When you say that you don't know what you need, are you saying that about life as a whole, or about me specifically and our interactions?"   

At the time, I thought it was simply about Him. Looking back I'd argue both, and that they were related. He really did shake my world from day one.

Heh, I lost some time rereading our earlier conversations. We fought against this so hard. I was trying to friend-zone Him, while He was busy keeping Himself distant enough to not become emotionally involved. It's sweet to read as we've expanded on all the little highlighted pieces from the beginning. I understand Him better now. Oh hindsight...

We've been touching upon jealousy again. I'm intensely jealous, but only when it comes to Sir. Even though one of the passages I found in my reading was Him talking about how He wouldn't threaten an existing relationship for a perspective one. I know it's on me and my insecurities. I'm terrified of losing the man who fulfills needs that I don't even recognize. Yet, I also know I don't have a leg to stand on given how I live my life. What right do I have to be jealous of Him meeting new people, when I'm the one with multiple partners? I've been wrestling with this for months and still have no answers. It's something He said we'll talk about soon.

It all comes back to needs. What is really a need? Sir is...I need Him. I fought so hard for many years to live in polyamory. Yet I recall a conversation we had in the old kitchen, not too long after we had met. We spoke of how I had all these people to fulfill bits and pieces of needs, all in order to feel safe and satisfied. That in searching maybe I was looking for one person who met all my needs. It was a question as to whether I kept adding and subtracting because I was poly or because I was searching for something more, someone better.

I had a hard time with that question, as years ago I thought if I found the right person, I wouldn't be so strange anymore. That maybe I could be normal like everyone else. Even as I hated the question, it's stuck with me. Sir was right, but I'll also never be normal either. I was searching for someone who would fulfill the most important needs, for someone who would leave me content within myself so the inner pull to search would disappear.

Having Sir in my life has been the first time I haven't felt the constant dull ache for more. I've never felt more allowed to be myself. It's not always smooth sailing, but the bumps in the road never last long. I'm not used truly depending on another person and having them come through when it matters most. I've found that with Him. Which is why polyamory seems less of a need and more "if it's possible"  because that's not what fulfilled me. That fulfillment belongs to Sir and all the good He's done for me. I need this wonderful man, not all the rest.

I'm pretty sure I'm as startled by that reality as anyone else. Believe me, I've fought long and hard to live poly. Cried too many times as I tried to explain why I was wired differently. Discovering polyamory was a breath of fresh air as finally I understood myself.

For months now, I've waged this private war. Could I give that up if that's what it took to keep us happy and healthy? Then I realized I could choose monogamy and not give up who I am as a poly person. I've not given up all the personal growth. I'm still poly, which will never change. It is how I'm wired but it's not the only wiring...Suddenly it doesn't matter as much.

Needs can change. It took a long time for me to accept this one. That something which used be to a top priority is not all that important. Funny how that can happen, heh. The right person comes along and does change everything. Not in any way that I ever expected but isn't that always the case. I have a lot more to reevaluate but this is something important so I'd thought I'd share.


  1. This does not surprise me at all! :D

    You "say it" every time you talk of Sir. It doe not change who you are in the slightest! You are you .. No matter if you are poly or not!

    And the heart wants what the heart wants!!!!

    I am glad you came to this self-discovery, Darlin'


  2. "The right person comes along and does change everything." That pretty much sums it up. This is something important and I'm glad you shared!

  3. I am a little late to this post....I can empathize with your struggle. I have been blessed with a stream of wonderful men and women. What I found is that with each one I may think "I may never find someone like that again" - however ultimately they raised the bar. Looking back at each "failed" relationship, it has not really failed because it's more of a self-discovery of what I want/need/compatibility. It sounds like you are on that path as well.