Depression: Why hello there JAS. Did you miss me?
No, I really didn't.
D: But I'm familiar, remember?
*silence*
D: Awww, kitty got her own tongue?
What do you want?
D: Just wanted to say hello to an old friend. Remind you of all those little things you seem to forget now and then.
You're a liar.
D: No JAS, that would be you.
That may be the case sometimes, but you're all lies. Twisting the truth so I won't leave you. Throwing all those horrible memories at me whenever I'm happy.
You can't stand it, me moving on from your control. But I'm not the only one fighting anymore. And unlike me, they'll never believe your lies. I don't have to be perfect; they love me anyway.
D: For now. What happens when they leave? They always leave. Then you'll be all alone, turning right back to me.
Funny thing about that. I believe in them. Whatever may happen, they won't leave.
D: Even Him? I know your fears. I push on those fears, tempt Him with leaving. You know it's only a matter of time. And then you'll fall to pieces. I know you can't handle another heartbreak, especially not from Him. You'll embrace me because I was right.
I am scared and I know you use that against me. But you aren't real. You are all the bad things that have ever happened. You are the pain and fear personified in my mind. I understand. You're scared too, because you are me.
You're just as afraid of getting hurt. In a messed up way, you're trying to protect me. Unfortunately, I know you for the lies you are. I never wanted the depression. Even if you never go away, you won't be the voice with the final say ever again.
I know this isn't the update y'all were expecting, but I needed it. It's been a rough few days in my own head. In the next post, I'll tell you all about the good and bad that has occurred. Mostly good things though. :)
No, I really didn't.
D: But I'm familiar, remember?
*silence*
D: Awww, kitty got her own tongue?
What do you want?
D: Just wanted to say hello to an old friend. Remind you of all those little things you seem to forget now and then.
You're a liar.
D: No JAS, that would be you.
That may be the case sometimes, but you're all lies. Twisting the truth so I won't leave you. Throwing all those horrible memories at me whenever I'm happy.
You can't stand it, me moving on from your control. But I'm not the only one fighting anymore. And unlike me, they'll never believe your lies. I don't have to be perfect; they love me anyway.
D: For now. What happens when they leave? They always leave. Then you'll be all alone, turning right back to me.
Funny thing about that. I believe in them. Whatever may happen, they won't leave.
D: Even Him? I know your fears. I push on those fears, tempt Him with leaving. You know it's only a matter of time. And then you'll fall to pieces. I know you can't handle another heartbreak, especially not from Him. You'll embrace me because I was right.
I am scared and I know you use that against me. But you aren't real. You are all the bad things that have ever happened. You are the pain and fear personified in my mind. I understand. You're scared too, because you are me.
You're just as afraid of getting hurt. In a messed up way, you're trying to protect me. Unfortunately, I know you for the lies you are. I never wanted the depression. Even if you never go away, you won't be the voice with the final say ever again.
I know this isn't the update y'all were expecting, but I needed it. It's been a rough few days in my own head. In the next post, I'll tell you all about the good and bad that has occurred. Mostly good things though. :)
Yeah! Look at you .. fighting with depression and kicking it's butt!!! You ARE right ... keep on fighting!
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Thanks :)
DeleteI'm trying to kick its butt more often. It may not be all the time but I'm getting better at not letting it last for very long.
Yup I know you are .. and you are doing GREAT!!!! :D
DeleteThat's right!! Just keep fighting that sneaky depression. Don't let it win!!
ReplyDeleteEverything YOU said is right. You may be scared, but He is genuine and won't leave you. He has no I tensions of hurting you, and I know I don't speak for everyone and I know you're talking about romantic interests here, but I'm not going anywhere.
Excellent job fighting the food fight. Keep it up!!!
So hope you had a marvelous time with Him!
Hugs!!!
Actually the "they" and "them" are for more than just the romantic interests. The warped part of my mind believes that everyone will eventually leave me. Friends, family, lovers...it doesn't differentiate.
DeleteI appreciate your support, more than you could know. :)
I'll write more about Sir. He said some interesting things while we were together--good things and some things that have left me deep in thought.
*hugs back*