I'm finally home. So glad to be back, even if I have a number of unpleasant things to deal with. There was a change in plans as I should have been home yesterday. Well Chris came to pick me up last week because while I love my car, it is completely unreliable for long distances. Things went from stressed to panicked from Thursday into Friday. Chris barely slept and ended up driving his car into his house. Everyone and everything is fine but it was cause for concern.
When Sir found out about this, He offered to pick me up. The three of us agreed this was for the best. Surprise time with Sir!! I'll take that any day! We had lots of fun on the way back to my house. :-D
He told me He was bringing toys. Oh look, a glass dildo waiting for me in the glove box. Two and a half hours of torment--something to that effect. Even though Sir wanted to keep me on edge without orgasms until Thursday, I'm definitely worn out from the constant slight vibrations and attention with the dildo that completely filled me. Not that I was able to orgasm, just that my body is exhausted. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be even more wound up.
Not to mention that Sir found a pull off spot for me to suck Him off. Mmmm! That was delicious. At one point, He grabbed me by my hair and face fucked me. It was glorious, especially when He made me hold my breath as He did that. Of course I was still full with the dildo, moaning like a whore every time He pushed it further inside of me.
But the most interesting part is that Sir has been mindfucking me for months. By months, I mean basically the whole time we've been playing together. See, I've been waiting for Him to find His dominant voice again. Become readjusted to BDSM, D/s, TTWD. Turns out He had already found it, but it looked nothing what I thought it would be. Yeah, yeah I know I've said this same thing to others--possibly have even mentioned it here.
Part of it is that Sir is driven by consent. He always wants my consent, every single time. I knew that and so I thought that's all there was to it. Oh no, not at all!!! No, He loves tormenting me by making me ask for exactly what it is I want. By forcing me to initiate first, He had all the power without actually having power until I gave it to Him.
I do understand. I am not going to be allowed a passive role in our power exchange. If I want it, I have to be willing to meet Him half way, or close enough for Sir to take over. Because once He has the power, He uses every last bit of it. Most of what He has done revolved around messing with my head. Why I never realized that's His flavor of power exchange is beyond me. It was all right there but the pieces never clicked.
There's something brilliant about how He set all of that up. Because as Sir noted, my past has had less of a traumatic influence the more choice He gives me in initiating the power exchange. It's like a light bulb in a closed room. I saw my submission as a light bulb that was constantly on. It's still an accurate description. What I never realized what that the door to the room was closed, access to it being cut off until I open that door.
For Sir, He closes that door every time we're done playing. Always to be invited back in because He respects that as my space. It's part of me and therefore until invited in, He will hover by the door. Sometimes He'll watch the light flare under the door. All my hints for Him to open it, come on in and take control. But I understand now--with where both of us are in regards to consent, this is the way it has to be done.
I still can't believe I didn't see it until now. I knew He could be dominant at times. I never realized what His natural dominance looked like. It is about power and the mind. He is not a traditional Dom, and definitely not a traditional Sadist. Yet I love the mind games, how He loves to torture me. It's frustrating because...heh...it turns me into the wanton slut that we both know I am.
I've never been happier with someone in this kind of relationship. I've known this and I'm beginning to understand the reasons behind it. He's been helping to heal me. When we play, it challenges both of us. He's also FAR more dominant than my mind has given Him credit for. Now that I know what to look for, I have a feeling this will get even more interesting. :)