Saturday, June 1, 2013


This isn't a "I'm back" post.
More of an intermission piece.

We should all realize by now that He is right by saying I need professional help in the form of therapy. I admit I have issues that have been around for far too many years. That I can track the depression for over a decade now says more than I ever could.

I've never actually disagreed that I need the help. I distrust therapists, immensely. I've had my share of downright bad ones. I do not trust them not try to get me locked up in a mental institution. It doesn't matter that I know the laws in my state. I reviewed them in great detail. Yep, huge amounts of total distrust.

Look I've been in and out of therapists offices since I was a little kid. I know I have my issues, which are by and large swept under a rug. The not so great things about me: major depression, anxiety, trauma from sexual, physical and emotional abuse, abandonment issues.

I suffer from panic attacks. I have a negative voice in my head that thinks everything is going to go wrong all the time, and because of that, I'm no good to anyone. I regularly suffer flashbacks from several majorly traumatic events.

Yet I also try to convince myself that I didn't have it so bad as to warrant help or even that I don't have a right to be screwed up. It drives Him insane that I will give a mile to anyone I care about with any kind of problem, yet I won't recognize that I have legitimate reasons to not be okay.

Until now. I went searching through local therapists in the area. There's one I liked immediately. He specializes in depression, relationship issues, and anxiety. He also works with LGBTQ issues. So I shouldn't be able to surprise or scare the guy too terribly. "No, I'm not the 50 shades of grey kinky. I'm so much worse. *me grinning*"  Or "Oh, relationships. Well do you want the long or short answer on them? I'm happy with those after all.  *noting the plural, the guy's eyes go wide*"  

Sir, you sure you want me seeing a therapist?? Hahaha

So yeah, I'm working up the nerve to fill out a form on the therapist's website. I can stare at it, even read through the questions. It's the "briefly describe why I'm looking for a therapist" and "describe treatment history" that I have no idea  how to answer. Maybe it'll come to me sometime in the next few days.


  1. I think half of the battle IS finding a therapist that you are comfortable with. And your openness to get help. If you don't have either of those things, then it would not work for you.

    Whatever you decide to do .. We will be here cheering you on! :D

    1. Heh, you sound like my Sir. "It'll only work if you want it to."

      I did get the courage to message the therapist I found. I filled out the form on his website. Though I could have called, emailed, or even sent him a text. I think that's part of why I like him already.

      He's a clinical social worker. That's what my mother did, my birth mother. I don't think I've mentioned her before. I trusted her, as only a child can trust. Maybe I can use that to let go of some of my distrust.

      There is the fear that normally surrounds therapy, but there's excitement too. I don't understand that part. I asked God for help, earlier this week. Maybe that's part of it. Sir said I'd hear what I needed. There's a peace, a calmness. We can hope it'll last long enough to get me through the first session.

      Thank you Kittie. Your support has been most welcome and encouraging. :)

  2. Good for you. This is a huge step for you. I'm hoping (hope, hope, hope) that this is one that you can open up to and trust. Sir is good for you in so many ways :)
    I'll join the cheer squad just for you!!!!

    1. I hope so too, Sarah. I've seen so many over the years and they were all pretty much a waste of time. But I think I'm in a different place now.

      Yeah, Sir is good for me. I won't say I'm doing this for Him because that would be a lie. But He supports me unlike any other. No one has been so active and involved in easing the pain and chaos of my mind. If He thinks this could help, at a certain point, I have to trust Him. He's still here, and so maybe it's all not so bad after all.

      If that makes sense...

      *hugs* Thank you so much for your support the last few days. :)

  3. Finding the right one is generally worth it. That's my two cents.

    1. That's what my Sir keeps saying. *shrugs* I guess I'll find out when I meet this one. :)