This isn't a "I'm back" post.
More of an intermission piece.
We should all realize by now that He is right by saying I need professional help in the form of therapy. I admit I have issues that have been around for far too many years. That I can track the depression for over a decade now says more than I ever could.
I've never actually disagreed that I need the help. I distrust therapists, immensely. I've had my share of downright bad ones. I do not trust them not try to get me locked up in a mental institution. It doesn't matter that I know the laws in my state. I reviewed them in great detail. Yep, huge amounts of total distrust.
Look I've been in and out of therapists offices since I was a little kid. I know I have my issues, which are by and large swept under a rug. The not so great things about me: major depression, anxiety, trauma from sexual, physical and emotional abuse, abandonment issues.
I suffer from panic attacks. I have a negative voice in my head that thinks everything is going to go wrong all the time, and because of that, I'm no good to anyone. I regularly suffer flashbacks from several majorly traumatic events.
Yet I also try to convince myself that I didn't have it so bad as to warrant help or even that I don't have a right to be screwed up. It drives Him insane that I will give a mile to anyone I care about with any kind of problem, yet I won't recognize that I have legitimate reasons to not be okay.
Until now. I went searching through local therapists in the area. There's one I liked immediately. He specializes in depression, relationship issues, and anxiety. He also works with LGBTQ issues. So I shouldn't be able to surprise or scare the guy too terribly. "No, I'm not the 50 shades of grey kinky. I'm so much worse. *me grinning*" Or "Oh, relationships. Well do you want the long or short answer on them? I'm happy with those after all. *noting the plural, the guy's eyes go wide*"
Sir, you sure you want me seeing a therapist?? Hahaha
So yeah, I'm working up the nerve to fill out a form on the therapist's website. I can stare at it, even read through the questions. It's the "briefly describe why I'm looking for a therapist" and "describe treatment history" that I have no idea how to answer. Maybe it'll come to me sometime in the next few days.