I had another post in the works for today, filled with sweetness and love. It'll be up tomorrow, I'm sure.
But I'm not feeling that right now. I don't know if it's sub drop from over the weekend, or a minor annoyance I have with Him, or frustration over what I can't change, even though it's been this way from the beginning. Maybe a combination of the three.
We were mid-conversation over text on Monday. Often time will go between texts and that is fine. That's not my issue. When I don't hear from Him at all until I see Him the next night, I want to smack Him across the back of the head. I was worried that something had happened to Him. And I'm not in touch with His vanilla world enough to have any way of finding out if something was wrong. Do you see how terrifying that is?
I made a flippant comment last night like "So I see you're alive" and while my tone was casual, my concern was genuine. I worry when I don't hear from Him for a day and a half with no warning, especially in the middle of a conversation.
We went for drinks after dinner last night with several friends. I only had two drinks, though I swear they put too much Jack Daniels in my jack and coke. It was enough to send my mind into unhappy places once I got home. I sometimes forget what really is between us. Friends who occasionally play and have sex. I know it's a bit more complicated than that with the D/s undertones. However, I need those and if I didn't, I doubt I'd have even that.
It's frustrating because I can't change it. I've known this for several months now. Most of the time, I can be as happy as possible with it. And it's on me, not Him. My life was complicated when we met and it still is. Even as parts become more resolved, it seems like we have so much waiting to do.
In contrast to this past weekend, last night was a cold dose of reality. Enough that a part of me wants to say, "I'm done. I can't keep putting myself through this. We'll pick this up again when we have better options." But I wasn't kidding when I said I need the D/s. It is a need, not a desire or want. It would kill me more to not have something with Him. So I have to suck it up and keeping moving forward. Even when it fucking hurts and I'm fighting back tears. I have to tell myself that it's worth it.
As for sub drop, well that sucks no matter how it occurs. After that awesome high and rush, then this crash of emotions. Like a dream that ends and fades too quickly. At least the "highs" are typically worth it.
I try very hard to be a great friend and an exceptional sub. Someone worthy. I know I'm justified in my above thoughts and feelings. Regardless, I feel like I'm betraying Him. Undermining us, whatever "us" that exists. But I really don't have the answers to the unspoken questions.
So I continue on. On and on and on.