Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Upon Reflection

A few months ago, Sir gave me a journal of His to read. It was from a few years ago. Over the weekend we spent together, He let me read a little bit more. I cried reading His words. The fear and frustration broke my heart. I curled up close with Him, saying that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm prepared to stay. I know the sources of conflict that may arise at some point. I see those differences and think, "We can find a way to make this work." It's not just a fanciful thought either. I trust that we can find compromises and middle ground. We've done so rather well up until this point.

There was another smaller piece of writing that He let me read. It's a variation of Psalm 23, in a D/s context. It touched me deeply. I'd love it if He'd allow me to share it here with you. If He ever stops being overworked and busy, I'll ask Him about it. That's why I haven't mentioned the guest post either. Life has been very hectic and I understand.

He often keeps His emotions tightly wrapped up but I'm learning the signs. Like yesterday when He said, "Good morning, lovely."   I couldn't suppress a grin and a fluttering in my stomach. I appreciate the little signs of affection. He often kisses my forehead which leaves me feeling cherished and protected.

I value the trust and vulnerability it takes to share His past with me. Especially in the confines of a private journal, I understand how much more exposed those thoughts often are.

He was wrapped up in furthering His career when we met. Well, He still is but it's not a bad thing. He wasn't looking for love, romance, definitely not a sub when He strolled into that room back in July. He barely knew if He wanted to come back to TTWD.

Not us
It's taken a while to realize what this is, what all it means. It was a couple of years since He was last romantically involved with anyone. I don't want to share too much, as this is His life. I only say that to illustrate His perspective. I came into His life and threw a curve ball. I can imagine it was unsettling to start back up in the BDSM community, trying to navigate those waters, and figuring out why this woman (who was far too open with Him from the moment we met) felt like meeting an old friend.

Not to mention the physical chemistry between us. All of that physical chemistry that sat just under the surface for several months...

That might give a better idea of how things have progressed with Him. Because at some point, He decided that this was genuine and something worth pursuing. I can tell you the night when I noticed the change, back in January. Since that time, we've been growing closer. There are still some walls between us and if we continue down this path, eventually they'll have to come down.

Upon reflection, I realize how far we've come. Both of us have been happier. We've been furthering the connection between us. What we share is worth treasuring and fighting for. It's worth the compromises. It's always been worth it, no matter where this journey takes us.


  1. My favorite part of this post is the last paragraph. Beautiful!

  2. The closeness you two have developed over time comes through so clearly in your posts. It's so nice too see how far the relationship has come. Keep chipping away at the walls, its worth the work and you already know that.

    1. We have gotten much closer. I'm glad that translates into my posts. And yes, it is so worth it to keeping tearing down walls for each other.

  3. Patience, love and unconditional love, JAS, eventually they can dissolve any wall, softly, quietly, gently. It's hard to see sometimes that our men have been so wounded, too. I am so happy that the fabrics of your lives is weaving this soft, lovely, and subtly strong tapestry.


    1. Unconditional love, yep I have plenty of that for Him.

      I knew He was wounded by another shortly after we met. It broke my heart then and the side effects I've seen over time have nearly brought my tears several times. I'm doing my best to mend His heart and mind.

      Hopefully I've been helping Him heal.