Unraveling A Layer

Right from the start

You were a thief

You stole my heart

And I your willing victim

I let you see the parts of me

That weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them

I first heard this song a few days ago. Or, it was the first time I really heard the song. It's Pink's "Just Give Me A Reason." 

The song is an exchange between lovers. She believes he no longer loves her, that space has grown between them. But instead she's the one retreating. Up until then, the man thought everything was fine. There's also a familiarity towards the situation, as if this is something he's gone through before. Her mind is a little screwed up, but he loves her and will help make it better again.

It resonated with my head space because I know a lot of it is in my head. I was straddling the edges of a panic attack the other night. Damn book triggered me, and likely wouldn't for anyone else. A character got injured in a fight but it was the how. It's frustrating to know what's happening, to know the sensations I'm feeling aren't occurring, and yet unable to do more than keep the worst of it at bay.

I sent Him a text to let Him know what was happening. There was nothing to do but ride it out. It finally faded around mid-day yesterday. I'm okay now so please don't worry. It's something that happens, especially when I've recently been emotionally off kilter.

I shared this song with you because I understand I am that way. I realize I throw Him off when things seem fine, then suddenly my head points out all the problems, real or non-existent. I'm not always coming from a place of reason when I write here. I try to keep the worst of the paranoia away from here but I'm sure it slips through on occasion.

Yes, I want more. But what I have now is pretty damn amazing. For the most part, He's there when I need Him. I know I can always turn to Him and He'll do what He can for me. He's a very sweet man who puts up with a lot of my shit and somehow still wants to be here. Because when confronted with all the evidence, even my twisted mind has a hard time disputing the fact that He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

We talked and talked for hours last night. He may have seen a side that He wasn't expecting, in that money means absolutely nothing to me. Beyond basic living, I need very little. I live simply, and should I ever have more than I need, I'll help others rather than amass money that will just sit there. Furthermore, I would never try to keep someone unwillingly in my life. I don't ever want to be someone's obligation.

I'm not like most people. I think that confuses Him some times. For all the reasons I'm screwed up mentally and emotionally, I learned what the right priorities are in life. 

The people who want to be there, for the ups and downs. Making sure I have enough financial resources while not living in excess. Giving back to those in need. Books that challenge my mind, music that touches my heart, and food that delights my taste buds.

Sir? He wants to be here. I don't know exactly what He sees in me, but He says it's worth treasuring. When He smiles and His eyes twinkle with affection as He tells me this, I have to believe Him.