Thursday, April 4, 2013

This is different and I like it

Last night, I was standing in the shower. Thinking about Friday night. Trying to get into that deep head space where pain, degradation, humiliation are all signs of affection. More, the place where I become soaking wet and I'm an agreeable puddle of happiness.

The train of thought derailed into large crash. Everything caught fire. I watched it burn. But somehow I walked away unscathed. All the demons of the past came back to haunt me. I've had real life non-consent that has left me broken and bleeding. I stood there with it as the water washed over me. Not the usual consuming and trying to run away. Instead it was a sharp pain, one that made me nauseous and then sick.

About half an hour later, as I was sitting against a wall, the pain began to lessen. Usually there are feelings of festering wounds that are being recovered, several weeks later after this kind of incident. 30 minutes later and I'm feeling okay. Enough that I can go back to my thoughts of Sir and I. That I was able to smile and be giddy with excitement.

Because while people have violated me, that's not what this weekend is about. It's about trust, care, affection, desires, closeness. He wouldn't do this, knowing the risks on both ends, if love wasn't part of the motivation. I was able to see this right away as I sat there. Knowing it was truth, with no voices of opposition.

It occurred to me this morning as I woke up and started getting the house ready for Sir's visit that this was new for me. That I felt fine today. Maybe not my best but definitely not depressed. I had a thought that maybe Sir is right.

Maybe pain isn't all there is. Maybe I can heal. Not for a day or a few weeks. But let the wounds truly heal.

My mind tells me that I should be upset and in pain. That something is clearly wrong because this is not my normal. There's no panic or sadness or pain. An oddness, a surreal perspective.

I'm not one to envy others. But if this is how people normally process pain from the past, flashbacks...I envy you all for this ability to bounce back. To feel pain but not be consumed about it. You may take it for granted and that's okay.

But for someone like me? This feeling is a miracle.


  1. I am really hope this weekend helps you heal.

    Most people I know face years of emotional difficulty as a result of pain from the past. For me, it was years of trying to manage anger from painful events.

    I hope you have a terrific weekend.


    1. Thanks joey! It should be a very healing and relaxing weekend, even with all the evil fun plans in place.

  2. Perhaps it means you're starting to heal. The flashbacks and pain may never completely go away, but hopefully they will continue to happen less frequently and be less painful. Hope your weekend goes well.

    1. Here's hoping!! LOL

      Given how long some of the pain has been around for, I honestly don't know if it'll ever go away. But I do hope that it won't always be so bad.

  3. Sounds like a lot of great healing going on to me. Hopefully this weekend will take you even further down the path.

    1. Thanks!! It should be lots of fun! I'm spending it with Sir, which automatically makes it awesome.

      That's what it seemed like to me. Glad I'm not alone in thinking that!

  4. It sounds like healing to me, too, JAS. I'm so happy for you. It doesn't always happen to me, but sometimes I still become consumed by my past. I don't like that because it makes me hide from my present, from my future as old fears try to attach to him. He sees it, and in that I am blessed, because he always pulls me through.

    I am so glad you are making your way to the place where the memory can touch but not own you.


    1. I understand all too well about the past being consuming. It's hard to escape when the wounds are raw and the pain all too deep. I'm glad you have support to get through those times.

      It was a first, but I'm hoping it'll be like that from now on!