Last night, I was standing in the shower. Thinking about Friday night. Trying to get into that deep head space where pain, degradation, humiliation are all signs of affection. More, the place where I become soaking wet and I'm an agreeable puddle of happiness.
The train of thought derailed into large crash. Everything caught fire. I watched it burn. But somehow I walked away unscathed. All the demons of the past came back to haunt me. I've had real life non-consent that has left me broken and bleeding. I stood there with it as the water washed over me. Not the usual consuming and trying to run away. Instead it was a sharp pain, one that made me nauseous and then sick.
About half an hour later, as I was sitting against a wall, the pain began to lessen. Usually there are feelings of festering wounds that are being recovered, several weeks later after this kind of incident. 30 minutes later and I'm feeling okay. Enough that I can go back to my thoughts of Sir and I. That I was able to smile and be giddy with excitement.
Because while people have violated me, that's not what this weekend is about. It's about trust, care, affection, desires, closeness. He wouldn't do this, knowing the risks on both ends, if love wasn't part of the motivation. I was able to see this right away as I sat there. Knowing it was truth, with no voices of opposition.
It occurred to me this morning as I woke up and started getting the house ready for Sir's visit that this was new for me. That I felt fine today. Maybe not my best but definitely not depressed. I had a thought that maybe Sir is right.
Maybe pain isn't all there is. Maybe I can heal. Not for a day or a few weeks. But let the wounds truly heal.
My mind tells me that I should be upset and in pain. That something is clearly wrong because this is not my normal. There's no panic or sadness or pain. An oddness, a surreal perspective.
I'm not one to envy others. But if this is how people normally process pain from the past, flashbacks...I envy you all for this ability to bounce back. To feel pain but not be consumed about it. You may take it for granted and that's okay.
But for someone like me? This feeling is a miracle.