Not Going According To Plan

I'm all over the place today so please bare with me.

First, the party overall was a lot of fun. I have the bruises to prove it. I had a good time with great friends. Sir was affectionate, or insomuch as He is in public. Him and several of our friends decided that they'd torment me. It was a good time. :)

Now, as for the rest of it. The demo presenter brought out a very sharp knife was no warning. Told a graphic story about knife play gone wrong. Mind you, the demo was not in any way, shape or form on knife play. I tried distracting myself by snuggling with a friend. But I was shivering against her and she thought I was cold. I knew I had to get away from the room of about 50 people or things would not have ended well.

I went into one of the bathrooms. It seemed like the only safe place. Another friend found me. I was trying to get a hold of myself. She was very sweet and realized I was in trouble. She helped me get my breathing under control and distracted me enough to fight back the waves of panic.

I know I'm not the only person who triggers with knives and other edge play items. That's not something a presenter should throw into a scene without letting the audience know ahead of time. I made a note to the group leaders who organized the party as to what happened and gave them advice on how to better handle a presentation like that in the future.

I don't think Sir realized the depths of how bad it was for me. He knew the knives had triggered me and it's something He wants to help me get a handle on. I've been holding off writing because I've still been dealing with aftereffects. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the waves of panic hit again. I get lightheaded and often the room will spin. It's scary stuff.

And I was left putting on a smile, suppressing all the crap after I could steady my breathing. I was at a party after all. I wasn't about to make a scene or cause problems. It wasn't the place so years of compartmentalizing allowed me to disconnect from those emotions for a while. "Don't make anyone look bad"  is the mentality I was raised with. Problems are meant to be dealt with privately. Funny how something like that sticks around long after childhood is over.

To top matters off, the one ex was a dick earlier today. A fight over stupid shit but that's always been the case. Or more like he yelled while I tried to be reasonable. I'm already close to being a shaking mess and then he had to be an asshole. Poking at old wounds.

I told Sir about it. This was the kind of stuff I had been keeping back from Him that I mentioned in a post from a few months ago. I didn't want to involve Him in the drama of an old relationship. But He asked to be kept informed so I'm doing my best. Thankfully, there's often not something to tell. We're hoping soon enough there won't be anything to say. No one ever explains how difficult it is to extrapolate your life from someone else's.

It's all too much sometimes for me to deal with alone. Sir is my safe place and I wouldn't have made it through that party without Him. I doubt I would have managed as well with the ex if He hadn't let me vent. Reminding me it's all almost over. Things are going better and more quickly than we had hoped. Our talks about two months or two years? It was in reference to this mess. It's looking to be resolved soon rather than later, a relief for both of us.

Not only to have the peace and ability to explore what's between us, but for my sanity and well-being too.