Monday, April 22, 2013

Not Going According To Plan

I'm all over the place today so please bare with me.

First, the party overall was a lot of fun. I have the bruises to prove it. I had a good time with great friends. Sir was affectionate, or insomuch as He is in public. Him and several of our friends decided that they'd torment me. It was a good time. :)

Now, as for the rest of it. The demo presenter brought out a very sharp knife was no warning. Told a graphic story about knife play gone wrong. Mind you, the demo was not in any way, shape or form on knife play. I tried distracting myself by snuggling with a friend. But I was shivering against her and she thought I was cold. I knew I had to get away from the room of about 50 people or things would not have ended well.

I went into one of the bathrooms. It seemed like the only safe place. Another friend found me. I was trying to get a hold of myself. She was very sweet and realized I was in trouble. She helped me get my breathing under control and distracted me enough to fight back the waves of panic.

I know I'm not the only person who triggers with knives and other edge play items. That's not something a presenter should throw into a scene without letting the audience know ahead of time. I made a note to the group leaders who organized the party as to what happened and gave them advice on how to better handle a presentation like that in the future.

I don't think Sir realized the depths of how bad it was for me. He knew the knives had triggered me and it's something He wants to help me get a handle on. I've been holding off writing because I've still been dealing with aftereffects. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the waves of panic hit again. I get lightheaded and often the room will spin. It's scary stuff.

And I was left putting on a smile, suppressing all the crap after I could steady my breathing. I was at a party after all. I wasn't about to make a scene or cause problems. It wasn't the place so years of compartmentalizing allowed me to disconnect from those emotions for a while. "Don't make anyone look bad"  is the mentality I was raised with. Problems are meant to be dealt with privately. Funny how something like that sticks around long after childhood is over.

To top matters off, the one ex was a dick earlier today. A fight over stupid shit but that's always been the case. Or more like he yelled while I tried to be reasonable. I'm already close to being a shaking mess and then he had to be an asshole. Poking at old wounds.

I told Sir about it. This was the kind of stuff I had been keeping back from Him that I mentioned in a post from a few months ago. I didn't want to involve Him in the drama of an old relationship. But He asked to be kept informed so I'm doing my best. Thankfully, there's often not something to tell. We're hoping soon enough there won't be anything to say. No one ever explains how difficult it is to extrapolate your life from someone else's.

It's all too much sometimes for me to deal with alone. Sir is my safe place and I wouldn't have made it through that party without Him. I doubt I would have managed as well with the ex if He hadn't let me vent. Reminding me it's all almost over. Things are going better and more quickly than we had hoped. Our talks about two months or two years? It was in reference to this mess. It's looking to be resolved soon rather than later, a relief for both of us.

Not only to have the peace and ability to explore what's between us, but for my sanity and well-being too.


  1. I really think the group leader should have warned the group about the type pf play. I attend demos and they are always announced before the meeting.

    I am glad your Sir was there for you, especially with the ex.


    1. It was the first large party for this group. So while yes, it should have been said, I'm not angry at anyone. Maybe the guy who was presenting because he has enough experience that he should have known better. But I understand that a few bumps and mishaps are going to happen. There were some other minor issues, but they've been expressed and hopefully next time runs smoother.

      Yes, I'm very glad too. Sir has just been amazing and I'm so grateful for His continuing support.

  2. I agree with Joey, one never knows what will trigger someone, and they deserve to be warned, that was poorly executed. I am glad that you are finding your Sir to be your safe place. Reliance is a wonderful feeling.


    1. Sir checked in on me last night before He went to bed. He hoped I was doing better and that a night out with friends helped me feel better. It very much did. We have two incredible friends in K and R. They were out with me for dinner. We caught up on everything. I can tell they are impressed with how Sir is handling everything.

      Sir is helping me see that not only do I have a safe place with Him, but there are amazing people in my life who will support me whenever I need it. That's a change from prior relationships. It's no wonder that I'm so in love with Him. :)


  3. I can't wait for the ex to be completely out of your life. Why do they have to make things so difficult?
    I hope the "party host" learns something from your note. There really should have been a warning. Glad you had support.

    1. That is the general consensus of all my close friends, even those who know and have met my ex. I'm not going to throw him under the bus though. Simply, I can't wait to wash my hands clean and be done.

      Crossing fingers that things go smoothly and quickly. Because I know full well that I will be happier, lighter once that part of my life is truly in the past.