Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Uninspired Title

I'm not doing too bad right now. I saw K and R...I think that's the "names" I use for them. The play partners, very good friends, the ones who partially think me their kitten, etc. Whom Sir shares me nicely with. :)

I saw K and R last night. It's always good to spend time with them. They asked about Sir and how we're doing. I mentioned that the depression was kicking my ass again. R understands as she has her own battle with it. She mentioned June would be better for their schedule. I'm thinking Sir and I need to make plans with them soon.

Granted, Sir and I need to figure out our own plans. We both have time this week and we're going to see a movie. Probably Iron Man 3, unless there's something more interesting out which I doubt. He did send me a good night text last night. It was very sweet and appreciated. We also were talking about ways to manage depression earlier in the day.

I segregate everything in my head. The intent was to deal with everything individually as well as function a little better. It's not the best solution, not by any means because even individualized, trying to deal with the pain is overwhelming. I used to repress things and silly me went looking for answers several years ago. The answers didn't help. I'd argue they made things worse.

This blog and my other writings are an outlet to manage the depression. I can sort out an issue or siphon off a bit of the pain/fear/panic. I keep myself busy and do what I can to get through each day. Sometimes it's enough. Others, not so much.

On an unrelated note, I kind of want a play thing. A male sub that I can poke, beat, and just do all sorts of horribly lovely things to. This urge appears now and then. I'd have to ask Sir about it. I barely get time with Him; I'm not about to give any of that up for a play thing. Or ya know, if we found a female sub we could both torment...

It's a little ironic given that I want to delve deeper into submission with Sir, and yet I want a play thing as well. A nasty little slut, at that. It's likely to happen at some point or another. Probably more once Sir and I figure out what the heck we're doing. Because that is priority number one for me. While I want to indulge in a bit of sadistic fun, I won't do it at the expense of my relationship with Him.

Though there is something to be said about having a sub boy/slave chained up in one's basement waiting to be of service. Maybe there's a bit more of a Domme in me than I'd like to admit, hehe.


  1. "A male sub that I can poke, beat, and just do all sorts of horribly lovely things to"

    I get the same urge from time to time.

    1. I think every woman needs a good male sub to order around and beat every so often. Maybe take care of housework and other such things. :D

  2. You're like an onion. There are so many layers to you and every layer is totally different :) it's awesome!
    M glad you're in a good place right now. I hope your plans come together soon.

    1. Heh, I'm glad I can keep you guessing. I don't think I'm that complex but thanks. :)

  3. I think the biggest hurdle is being able to recognize depression. I use to get depressed & I would shut right down. Work & sleep .. that's all I would do (and cry). When the depression would lift, I would finally see it for what it was & be surprised "OH!".
    It's the easiest thing in the world to let depression "kick your ass" but if you can recognize it .. that is half the battle.

    And now it seems to me (I am by no means an expert) that you are starting to kick back! You get depressed but it seems that you recognize it for what it is & say "fuck this" and you fight against it. It's good that you have Him to rely on, as well as your friends, to help you in your battle - and that you are letting Him/them in!

    You, my friend are fighting the good fight. Depression may come often but you are a fighter & I think you have had enough of it. So keep kicking your depression in the ass! Some days it might win the battle but in the end it is you who will win the war!!!!

    (and I agree with Sarah .. you are like an onion & it's awesome!) =^.^=

    1. I typically recognize the depression. I suffer from physical effects. The world gets less bright, it's harder to focus on things, and I feel myself withdrawing in. It's like being wrapped in a shroud of darkness. That's what the edge of the abyss is like for me.

      The depths of the abyss are when I stop wanting to eat. I lose hours and days doing nothing at all. I stop reaching out to people and I completely avoid conversations. If I get that bad, you won't see me writing here. I'd probably even withdraw from Sir at that point.

      One of the things I've learned is how to recognize the depression, in all it's various states. Long term clinical depression has given me the insights into all the crappy states of being depression.

      I hid the depression for a long time. It's why the BF was taken back by how bad it was. He had no clue that I suffered so terribly from it and he'd never seen me openly depressed. Yet he's been in my life for many years.

      I'm more accountable to myself and others when I am open about it. It has less of a hold because it's not the only voice I'm hearing.

      And at the end of the day, I still have to clean up my house, do laundry, run the dishwasher, play with my cats. I have responsibilities and obligations to my relationships. I have friends who need a shoulder to turn to or spend a night out having fun.

      I realize that my life is not just about me. There are a lot of people who depend on me, whose lives I enhance. I can't do that when I'm stuck in a deep depression. I'm not the only person who's gone through hell and back. I'm somehow still standing, maybe through sheer willpower.

      Sir says I'm surprising well-adjusted considering everything I've gone through, most of which I haven't talked about here. I see it as others have it worse and so I'm not going to stop living my life because I'm depressed. There have been worse times in my life. I have the power over my life and it's not going to get better unless I make the change.

      I will probably always have the depression. I recognize that. It's been here for over a decade. The likelihood of it disappearing is small. I can't change the past or the influences that made me the not-quite-put-together person I am.

      The difference is that even with everything I have to deal with regularly, I wouldn't change a thing. I've known some incredible people. Parts of my life progressed so I would meet even better people. I have a ton of empathy and compassion for others because of the life I lived.

      I love one of the most incredible men on the planet. I have a great boyfriend and our relationship is growing stronger. My life led me to this point. So for all the horrible points, I didn't end up too bad in the end. There's a lot of life ahead of me, with people who love me unconditionally. I'm not about to let the depression overshadow all of that. Never.


    2. Perfect attitude!!! Love it. You're a fighter and that is why you will succeed, not just survive.

  4. See JAS that's what I mean ... you have learned how to kick back! You are right .. you probably will always have to deal with depression but deal with it you do. You are very strong and that is very impressive. You & I know how destructive depression can be but you don't let it keep a hold of you for very long. You are a fighter and I admire you for that! :D