I have to give Him credit. He noticed that I didn't send the daily report nor did I say good morning to Him. Heh, as He said, "When you're not speaking to me, alarm bells go off."
He sent me a "good morning" text. Didn't realize what was wrong as He hadn't read my blog yet. I told Him that I wasn't doing well. Spent a few hours crying last night. And by crying, I mean sobbing my eyes out to the point that the pups were constantly by my side trying to make me feel better. I barely slept. I had horrid dreams where I was raped and almost died. I did not want to get out of bed this morning; I didn't want to face the world.
See, a guy I used to be with--a Dom--he up and left me after months of time, effort, and energy we put into each other and into "us". I wrote to him, all my concerns, and I was much nicer about it than last night too. He walked away from me and occasionally since has been an annoying little thorn in my side.
I had convinced myself that Sir was going to leave. That He was bored with me. He must be. He was going to be so angry, hate what I wrote, and leave. I went to some very dark places last night. Depression is one hell of a bitch.
Turns out Sir took a personal day today for job hunting related reasons. He was done with those around noon. He wanted to see me. The monster had to be down for his nap so I had Sir come here to talk. Instead of being angry like I expected, He told me that what I wrote was true. I'd become so part of His life that He took me for granted. He was so sorry that He had caused me pain and that He'd been neglecting me.
We bonded over a discussion about religion and...well...sex. He brought over some new toys. Yum! The one dildo He left in me the whole time we talked. Then we went upstairs to enjoy some private time with one another. Apparently playing with me and making me constantly cum turns Him on. :-D
We were standing in the kitchen, after we had our fun. I started crying, all those emotions from last night welling up. I asked outright if He was bored with me. Not at all, He's actually surprised I'm not bored with Him and how vanilla He is. (which is such BS as He's not vanilla) How could I ever be bored with the man who has helped me start living again?? Frustrated every now and then, sure. Never bored.
I didn't want Him to leave. He didn't want to leave either. Even if He didn't spend the night, I wanted more time together. Unfortunately He had other commitments tonight. I truly understand. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays are busy. I've known this for months. But we need to find a balance. A way to spend time together. He even said that I was there first, I'm the priority. I'm going to hold Him to that.
And I will do my best to let it never get to this point again. It was several months culmination of issues that I saw as minor. Yet staying in touch, making time for us IS important. I reached a breaking point last night and it did neither of us any good, all the keeping things to myself.
We'll try harder. That's all there is to it. Because even though He's a little oblivious at times, He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. We'll get it right one of these days.