Sunday, May 19, 2013

Through the Turbulent Emotions

I wish things were simpler. Last night the idea of Him hijacked my dream. It's good to have Him back there, but it means I'm worried too. There's nothing at all to be done about any of it. Just making that clear now. I can't keep bottling it up inside though.

He told me that He loved me twice in the dream. I know He does as He's alluded to the very specific absence of the words. He shows it in His actions. My logical part of my mind understands and accepts this. The emotional side, what we associate with our hearts, doesn't get it. There's fear, loneliness, stress, aching, and a whole mess of other emotions.

For the most part I'm distracted during the day. At night, I lie in bed aching from all the emotions I try to avoid. Physically aching, mind you. Because I can't give them voice or life. There is no salve to heal them. So I'm left convincing myself that it's all worth it. That one day it'll get better. It has to get better. Believing it only insofar as I don't put up walls between us.

Earlier today, He told me that He wants me to be honest about the good and the bad. I believe Him and I know there's no ill intent or motive behind it. That's not always been the case in the past. People walked out of my life when times got hard. Family, friends, partners--they all did it, with the exception of a handful of people. Sometimes before people would leave, they would use that trust against me. That as I am no one will ever want to be in my life, let alone share it.

It's like an animal, after it's been abused and beaten more times than it can count. It prepares for the out lash. Avoids doing whatever it is that "triggers" the abuse, knowing that it'll likely come anyway. People aren't that different from animals. I'm not that different.

I know He's different. He defies everything people tried to make me believe was true. It's just going to take some time to wrap my head around it. I know I project my fears onto Him. That there must be some cruel monster waiting to harm me, to break me, lurking some where within. But there's not. I can accept it yet still not believe it. I can only imagine how frustrating that is for Him.

There's not simple answer to any of this. I'm exposing old wounds that I hate to reveal but I have to do it if we stand a chance at all. I was sobbing my eyes out earlier and three simple words helped ease the pain. "I can wait" :)   Wait for me to build more trust. Wait for me to truly believe Him to be the man I know He is.


  1. I feel your pain JAS .. I know what it's like to feel used & abused by those who have claimed to love you. It's rotten & you do put up walls & retreat behind them .. it's safer .. and lonely.

    I am becoming a big advocate for you Sir, I think. He seems like a good man, who has real, deep feelings for you. Just take baby steps if you have to. Try to get over the fear & let him in. Of course there is always the risk of getting hurt again .. unfortunately that is just a part of life. But there is also the chance for something really great & wonderful that you so deserve!!!!

    Baby steps ... trust in him and more importantly trust in yourself!!!


    1. Even Sir can attest to this, but I do let Him in. More so than I'll ever be comfortable with. It doesn't help that He's always looked at me as if He could see right through all the walls to the depths of me. I wouldn't be surprised if that's entirely accurate too.

      Yeah, getting hurt again. I know it wouldn't be malicious in nature...I'm not the same person I was before He and I met. Evreyone, I mean EVERYONE, has told me that I'm happier now. I don't want to lose that happiness nor the man who helped me find it.

      It would easier if it was something I could do, ya know? Oh I know how that sounds. Being in control of the situation. So unsubmissive sounding.

      I do believe it'll work out in the end. He doesn't want to confirm any direction until He has His own game plan. I respect that, even if it's frustrating. All the little hints point to Him wanting to continue being in my life for a long time.

      It's actually funny. He wants me and doesn't want to give me up. But He doesn't know if He can have me and still His big dreams for life. But the idea of anyone else having me sends up protective, territorial comments from Him.

      We were talking about what's going to happen once the Ex is gone, publicly. Yeah it's a complicated situation and I want to do everything on my terms. We know people who are interested in me, like prospective dating partners. Sir's comment to people expressing their intentions??

      "I look forward to the long list of rejections. :P"

      *sighs* Good thing I love Him so much. Otherwise I'd strangle the frustrating parts right out of Him, LOL

    2. Yeah, you are definitely on the right path. Slow & steady wins the race! And I think your Sir, will easily (& happily) be able to modify he dreams/goals to include you! ;)

    3. Your confidence in us is encouraging. :)

      And I hope He will. What did He say? Something about seeing if our individual plans match up. I don't think He knows what to do with the fact that I'm incredibly serious about the relationship and its long term potential. Not in a bad way as I think He likes it. He's possibly a little baffled by it.

      He doesn't see how awesome and amazing He is. So He doesn't get why I'm so head over heels in love with Him. One day... :)

  2. Ya, what ^she^ said. Of course you have walls. You've been hurt. Like you said, it's going to take w while to wrap your head around His authenticity. But you will. He's still there and he will wait, and you, my dear, are well worth the wait. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's coming. Let go a little at a time. (((Hugs)))

    1. :) Thank you. These are words I needed to hear.