Tuesday, May 28, 2013

I need a break, sorry

First, I removed the last three posts. Something in me snapped on Saturday. If I really cared to go into it, I could pinpoint why it happened. I was triggered into a very unhealthy state. I was unaware of the severity until talking just now with Sir.

My mind saw an issue that did not exist and instead was a simple conversation. Then it went "Fix the issue(s) until everything is okay."  Part of that is severe paranoia and irrational fear. There's been the voice of reason trying to have its concerns heard over the din of noise as well. Hence why there's been a extreme dissidence in my literary tone and expressions.

It's something I see once it's pointed out to me and then I can work on it. It was also pointed off that I came across a bit bipolar. As I explained to Him, it's my mind's way of resolving the fear and paranoia. Given that there was no issue, I was instead making everything much worse.

So I'm going to take some space and sort out my head. When I come back, hopefully you'll get the usual me--not the triggered mess that I currently am.

We had our usual "I should be in therapy" conversation. Maybe one of these days I'll actually listen.

So if everyone could forget the last few days, I'd really appreciate it. What I wrote was heavily edited and lacking a lot of context. I even confused Him. Also, you weren't reading a rational version of my thoughts. I don't entirely trust myself as I try to explain everything. As strange as this sounds, please don't trust what I've been saying the last couple days either. I ask that you understand I suffer from long term depression. While nothing what I said was false, it was not rational and it was fueled by paranoia.

My thank you--our thank you--is still valid. We do appreciate your support. And it's absolutely okay for you to point out if I'm going off the rails again. Mainly I want to apologize for putting you through this roller coaster.

I will see y'all soon, hopefully no longer than a couple of weeks.

P.S.  I did keep the following because it was the one good thing that happened over the last few days:
We all need something positive right now, so I'm going to share that first. It took a lot of months but it came when I most needed it. "I care about, want and love you."  It was one of the first things He said to me yesterday. I had Him confirm it; there couldn't be any doubt in my mind. "I've meant it for all the months I've never said it." 


  1. I understand you wanting/needing some time, a little space. I would really love if that time was short :) do what you need to and then come back. We'll be here waiting with open arms!
    Feel free to email me, if ya want.

    1. Thanks Sarah. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me now and then. Thanks for letting me vent earlier.

  2. (((hugs))) JAS, just breath.

    1. I'm trying June. Some moments are easier than others.

      Then there are the moments that are really hard and I just want to give up.

      He says I'm not alone but in my heart, I feel it. That's something hard to shake.

  3. Just don't forget .. you have friends here, who are here for you!


    1. Thank you Kittie. It's appreciated, always.