Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Unraveling The Story

The story yesterday is a true one, about the only honest intimate relationship I had. That is before I met Sir. Furthermore, it was the only time in my life where I functioned without depression. There were painful times still. Those are but a handful of issues that I've ever dealt with rationally and reasonably.

I was happy, healing. I was able to express myself and not live behind masks. I had legitimate friendships with people who actively chose to be in my life. I had hope for my life and the future. I was in an amazing, incredible relationship. We were crazy about each other. So deeply in love, with a naturally formed BDSM relationship. He sang me to sleep with a lullaby every night. I was content being monogamous. I never wanted anything but to spend our lives together.

And when He began putting up walls, retreating, I didn't know what to do. So I kept on loving him, remaining loyal. I did all I could to bring him back to me, even asking for his best friend for help. This was the man I gave everything to; I kept no secrets from him. I couldn't fathom life without him.

I never cared about the other girl. I wasn't mad or jealous. I simply wanted to continue on, rebuild. He didn't know what he wanted and it ended very badly. My heart was crushed and broken. Yet still, I loved him completely and selflessly. I would have forgiven him of anything at that time. A love so strong that he completed my heart, mind and soul. It was pure and very real.

He threw it all away, but even that's not fair. I played my role in our end as well. And remaining friends? Watching him move on? It broke me little by little. I loved him even then. I would have given him anything he asked for. I loved him even as he crushed me completely and walked away from our friendship.

I swore I would never do it again. I would never love again. I would never expose myself so completely. I couldn't imagine finding someone as amazing, especially not someone better. Though I dated others after that, I doomed them all before they began. I hurt myself by not being selective, by falling into relationships without thinking about who the person was, let alone the future.

I may have loved some of them, but never was I in love. I may have tried to convince them and myself in the moment, but the lie of it all was obvious. No one can be in love without knowing and being known by the other person. And I didn't want that. I cursed myself to remain in a living hell for years. I was trying to fill a void of emptiness, one I'd always sought to fill. I was doing so with the worst people imaginable. They were false relationships filled with darkness.

It was only once I began to deal with the pain of losing the man I loved did I begin to see the path I was on. It took another year for the haze to fully fade. And then I began to form lasting, honest friendships again. I welcomed people into my life. I admitted to the BF that I still cared for him. Six months later we were back together, better than ever.

About two months after that, I met Sir. I was intrigued like I hadn't been in years. I did what I swore I would never do again. I let down the walls. I was honest, even when I didn't want to be. I was more cautious but my heart knew what it wanted, long before my mind caught up.

It wasn't until this last week though that I really understood what the choices I had made had done to my life. When I thought Sir was bored and going to leave, I realized the truth. I was angry, which is why my post about His detachment was so bitter. It wasn't at Him though. It was at myself. I hated myself in that moment. That I had set myself up yet again. Fallen so deeply in love that His distance was tearing me apart from the inside out.

I never meant to fall in love with Him. I've said it before. I never explained the why behind that until now. I didn't want this vulnerability. I didn't want the possibility of being crushed and destroyed again. It hurt when others left, sometimes tearing themselves quickly from my life, and I wasn't in love. I couldn't let someone be the ultimate weapon against me.

But it's never quite that simple, is it? Because this love with such power to destroy me has also helped to set me free. It exists because some part of me did want this, was open to it. I was living once more in the light, or trying to. And I met an incredible man. Even though He could hurt me, I've always known He's worth it. That I'm worth being known, being vulnerable.

The benefits outweigh the risks. And so, I've been fumbling with all this. I said recently that it's like falling in love for the first time all over again. Because it's true. So I rush and I want it all at once. I think too far ahead, but I do know that patience and taking our time is the right course of action.

It's been difficult for me not to rush this. Maybe I'm trying to make up for lost years. Maybe I've been missing the deep connection of being in love that I am a tad too eager at times. It comes from a good place, at least. And I'm not that same young woman either. I've learned from the years of bad relationships to pace myself. Be sure that the decisions I'm making are the right ones, for the right reasons.

My heart no longer aches. The pain of the past has been easier to handle and process. Being in love has been good to me. And I learned that if Sir isn't the one I'll end up with long term, I won't hide my heart away again. I will heal in time.

Now you know why I thought He was going to leave me for someone else. Why I mourned what existed and was convinced would end. He called me out on it, a few months ago. It's only now that I fully understand where it was coming from. How to best manage it...give Him the benefit of the doubt. Trust Him. Be reasonable, patient, and honest.

Continue loving Him even though the future is uncertain. Enjoy what I do have which I've been getting better at over the last few months. I do have long term desires for us, but over years if/when things are right. Thinking about them now doesn't call for immediate action. I'm not that blinded by love. But sometimes I don't think as clearly as I'd like and want things before they're possible. In many ways, I'm new to being in love. I don't know always what I'm doing and I do get it wrong more often than not.

When we were in bed Saturday morning, I was in His arms laying on the bed. I was crying still when I asked, "I fell too much in love with you, didn't I?" He was legitimately confused by that. It wasn't a question directed at Him but to myself. Even though this is the best thing that's ever happened to me...and believe me it is. What Sir and I share is 100 times better than the best moments with that man I loved years ago...I still wonder if I'm making a mistake by making myself so vulnerable.

I don't have the answers beyond that being with Sir makes me blissfully happy. My life is better with Him. Beyond the fears and the doubts, I want to spend my life with this man. Wherever it may take us, both in distance and the journey of life. I know He has no idea how to react to that. And my answer is:
You're willing to wait for me with everything that is going on in my life. I will wait for you, for as long as you need me to wait. Now you have a better understanding of just how loyal and devoted I truly am.
I love you more than words could ever say. I've loved you more than any other before. More than the only other man I've been in love with, by leaps and miles. It scares me too, in so many ways. Yet you've taught me that love and living are intertwined. No longer do I crave darkness but the light that is you. 

10 comments:

  1. What a beautiful love letter. he is a very lucky man to have you.

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    1. Awww, that's sweet of you to say. :)

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  2. I love this!
    It so easy when we see the train wreck of pain, to put up our wall, our defense. It's also hard not to over react. Especially once you've been burned. I think it's a natural reaction. It's hard to be patient and give the benefit of the doubt. But you are (now) and next time these feelings crepe up, you'll be better prepared. I admire how much you 'get' it. Awesome!

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    1. :) It took me a while to "get it" but it's so much better now that I do.

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  3. My thoughts are with you.

    Big Hug,
    joey

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  4. JAS, I missed the last post when you wrote it. Just read both of them and I need more tissues. This is an absolutely gorgeous letter. And I feel your story. I know this doesn't make it any better, but we can never, ever be sure. We just have to trust. Funny thing is, all those fears and insecurities, and worry...he probably has them, too. Daddy does.
    “We're all damaged in our own way. Nobody's perfect. I think we're all somewhat screwy. Every single one of us.” JD

    (((hugs)))

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    1. Aww, you're so sweet June! I know He has the same fears and concerns. He may actually have more than I do, heh. There's a lot of trust. That's the only reason we're still here doing as well as we are. :)

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  5. Lovely!

    Allowing yourself to be open to getting hurt is also allowing yourself to be open to love.

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    1. Very well said! :) And there's lots of love.

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