It's a scary thing to reveal the truth beneath the lies I had almost convinced myself were real. I wanted to be happy but I didn't want to be vulnerable and let people in to see the real me. There was the line that was not crossed for many years. It was an unhealthy existence for myself but more so for the relationships I was in. That's not to say I didn't care about any of them. But when I look back and realize they all should have been friends or less, rather than lovers, the truth reveals itself.
Sir did just the opposite. He withdrew into himself and hid from the world. He didn't date or connect with anyone. Absolutely career focused. He was aching and hurting just as I was. The only difference was in how we both expressed it.
I've mentioned that we met online around January '11. It was either then or the December before. It was almost as if someone up there whispered, "Not yet." That would have been terrible, back then. His heart was still raw and my life, if you can believe it, was more of a mess than it is now. He mentioned this on Tuesday night while at the bar with some friends. He said something to the effect of "This wouldn't have gone very far." He's right because it didn't. We exchanged a few messages and then we went our separate ways. I thought He was kind of a jerk back then, heh. And lord only knows what He thought of me. It goes to show that online perceptions can be extremely inaccurate, especially in the beginning conversations. It could also show that who Sir and I are now, we're not the same people, which I think is good on both counts.
I wondered in the beginning of this blog if the outcome would be the same regardless. Already things have changed. We recognize that we're healing and it has a lot to do with love. We're definitely happier too. Everyone can see that. Common friends have pointed it out, at least the ones who know the cause behind it. One did last night, as I was sobering up. Our friend said that we're sickeningly cute and he's envious of the love we share. My friends see it; the best friend greatly approves of Sir. After helping the monster and I while she was away, pretty sure Sir has made her Top 10 list. Our lives are better for having met and known each other; that's something special in and of itself.
Honestly, we have no idea what we're going to do next. He's been telling me about career plans, the very limited frame of time He has to implement the next step in His plan. He has very long term, lofty goals. While I could live very humbly and happily, I support His goals 110% because they are important to Him. Depending on how things go, He could move elsewhere at any point. It'll depend on who offers the best job and what He wants out of life.
I'm not as mobile as He is to pack everything and go. I own my own place. Paint is just starting to get up on the walls. I have plans for this house. It's a gorgeous place, simply needs a bit of work to get it there. His focus is without, mine is within. Not to mention I have some unfinished business in my home state and I can't be too far away before that gets settled. Crossing fingers that'll happen this year. If that's the case, I'll have more options as well.
With so many unknowns, we can have all the wishes and desires we want. But making them a reality is much more difficult. I'm sure as hell not going anywhere even if He moves half way across the world. He's stuck with me, if that much hasn't been made clear. What that means however is unclear. He said to me on Saturday morning that He can't make plans for two, when He's still trying to figure out plans for one.
We have no idea where this relationship will lead us anymore than you all do. Or if our love can survive all the unknowns. One thing is clear, He is worth it. I have no regrets. I'm better for having known Him, for having loved Him, for being loved by Him.
For now, we're doing good together. We're happy and there's hope in our hearts. One day we'll have decisions to make. Until then, all we can do is enjoy every minute we have together.