Last night did not go according to plan...
I think someone (up there) has it out for me or him, maybe both of us. Even when I have walls erected to keep him out, he knows exactly how to dismantle me to see where I'm hidden away.
When I took the walls down, it felt right. I felt safe. I wanted to be held by him and not let go.
It was also strange, even for us. We were more in tune. Everything clicked and when our eyes met, the world slipped away.
He told me something, as we were heading out. He had just held me close, stroked my arm gently.
"The choice that's mine to make...I know what you would choose so it's up to me." pause "I can't do it. I would be overwhelming..."
I replied, "I don't know what my options are. I don't know if I could even if I wanted to..."
At that moment, two friends we had been at dinner with came over to talk with us for a little longer in the parking lot. A decent distraction for an awkward moment.
I know he would not share control of me well. It would cause a division between us, should we try.
Or more likely, it would drive away the other two people in my life. Something neither of us want.
I don't know what the plan was supposed to be. I didn't expect to come home and sit in my drive way, banging on my steering wheel. Nor did I expect to be silently screaming and shaking with rage when I laid in bed.
But when he looks at me, seeing me oh so clearly...accepting, inviting me closer into his world...I can't help but respond.