Sunday, October 21, 2012

Falling Apart

We do a lot of talking, sometimes communicating well. Most of the time not, but we're getting there.

One piece of the puzzle at a time. I understand He only lets people in so far. It's less deep than He thinks.

Plus, He wears as many masks as I do. That's saying something.

Truth be told, this connection is tearing me apart. It's not His fault.

I need to do something different.

I just don't know what...

But if I don't do something, my mind is going to unravel and I'll slip back into a depression.

I don't know how to turn it off. I can dampen the sexual nature. Turn it off even, if necessary.

That's not the issue, heh.

It's the pull of the Dominance towards my submission. That's emotionally based. It's a feeling of security and a desire for closeness.

How do I stop that from happening? And if I can't, how the hell do I manage it so it doesn't drive me insane?

Because while He's not encouraging it, He's not denying it.

It's an uncertain promise, a whisper of hope...

The smart thing would be to remove Him from my life. That sounds reasonable, right? I don't have the willpower or courage to do it.

It's not something I want to do.

I don't want to hurt every time I see Him. I don't even understand why I'm hurting. Why there's this pit in my stomach. Why it feels like my heart is being torn apart. Why I struggle to breathe.

Then He smiles and jokes, putting me at ease. Only for it to return.

I've been rejected before. That's nothing new. I've loved and lost. So why does this man, who shouldn't mean near this much to me...why are my feelings for Him making me lose my mind...

That whole "I'm content and it'll be okay?" Yeah that didn't last.

I'm crying and I have no idea why. This is what I mean. I just don't understand it. Thinking about Him and all of this, it makes my heart hurt. I end up sobbing. In public, I have to put on a mask and suppress the tears.

I'm tired and not in the way sleep can fix.

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