Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Losing my submission?

I have a problem. I walled myself in damn good this time. My inner submissive is buried deep and is glaring at the most recent attempts at being released.

I was out with friends last night. One guy is someone I've been friends with for nearly two years now. A great friend who is really fun to banter around with. He was trying to help the inner sub out, and we got nothing. Normally, I melt whenever someone grabs the back of my hair. There was literally no response. It was frustrating and heart breaking.

I sent off a text or two to Sir about it. Because He should know that I'm struggling and that I'm really off right now.

Honestly, this feels like when I first started this journey. Submitting to my first Dom was downright difficult and I fought back a lot. Submission was a struggle. As much as I craved it, I mentally resisted. To the point where it didn't always make an appearance.

Funny that Sir used the word "assertive" because that side is in full force. Reminds me of the old days, before I embraced the submission and what that meant for me. There was never a doubt that I was going to get exactly what I wanted. I led projects, events, groups, etc and things were done my way.

The deeper I delved into submission, the less of that assertive person I was. It didn't matter as much to me to always do or have things be my way. I became more focused on others. Making them happy and enhancing their lives. Giving people the gentle push to step up to be more.

The past few days? The sweet, gentle submissive has been missing. I miss that part of myself. I'm much more comfortable with that part of me. Seeing how assertive I am without that submissive balance, I'm not as much of a fan as I used to be. What I remembered and the reality are very different. The submissive is far more compassionate.

Doesn't help that the assertive personality and the sadistic nature go together smashingly. That's not really who I am, not anymore.

So I'm off to find and dismantle the walls that I put up. Or figure out why the submissive side would suddenly up and hide deep within me. Because there's no way I'm going to continue on like this for any length of time.

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