Saturday, March 9, 2013

Nagging Doubts

The ex I mentioned from yesterday's post is the reason why I struggle with maintaining hope. That guy did quite a number on me.

Sir knows a bit about that relationship. I think He sees it as a very bad decision I made and what a mess it was. I can't agree nor disagree with that. It was what it was, though I know it wasn't my smartest decision.
I was pretty well crushed when it ended. Some of the internal chains are from that relationship, and the strict control of another that picked up soon after it.

I had to have a lot of hope. Remain positive and believe that things would be better, easier, less complicated.

There had to be a lot of trust, too. I exposed myself mentally and emotionally in ways I had never done before...nor since. The ex-Dom I was with when this blog started asked for those levels of openness and I couldn't give it to him. I was too broken and shattered to find the pieces, let alone hand them over.

With Sir, it's been a lot of baby steps. I know He's always seen the wounds, been trying to help me heal them.

I really didn't want hope back. I didn't want to place myself out there again to be vulnerable. Apparently I just can't help myself. I must be that much of a masochist.

I look at what Sir and I have, and some part of me believes it can only end one way: with a whole lot of pain and heartache. I've tried from the beginning to not be so jaded. I know it's a chance every relationship takes. But it's the part of me that's still picking up the pieces of my heart, waiting for all that work and healing to come undone again.

He's given me no reason to think this. Very much the opposite and there's proof throughout this blog. I know He doesn't want to make promises He can't keep, something I've always appreciated. I want to make it clear that I in no way blame Him for any of this, nor hold Him accountable for not fixing it.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Only that I have thoughts in my mind, fears and doubts. All internal. I'm trying to work on them and keep them out of this blog, as well as our relationship. But I realized, I don't trust Sir to stay in my life.

If there's a way to fix that, I don't know it. I trust Him with a lot, so much in fact. Just not to stay. Which I know leads to insecurities and jealousy...I know this and I don't like it. I'm doing what I can to keep it away from affecting and hurting our relationship.

There's so much that's good and amazing between us. We've barely even begun and it has the possibility to be even more incredible.

But that little voice is there, nagging at the back of my mind. More so, as of late. I don't expect anyone to do anything about it. It's my burden to bear. I couldn't keep it inside and to myself anymore though.


  1. Thank you for having the courage to share. I can relate to your feelings.


    1. Thanks for the support Joey. It's greatly appreciated. *hugs*

  2. I have a little voice, too, JAS, you're not alone. My little voice speaks of fear, everyone else left, why should he not. I know that he is different, I know he is not them, but it is the only experience I have to draw from - that I am somehow not enough.

    I have these internal dialogs with little voice all the time - little voice and my rational mind Sometimes I can quiet her, not alleviate her fears, but quiet her, and sometimes her fear grows huge and terrible and she consumes my rational mind.

    I don't have any advice - I would be a hypocrite if I tried - I just tell you what I tell my own lv = he loves you, he has been there, just try to see that. I'm always here if you need to talk.


    1. I woke up around 5 am this morning. I remembered your comment and laid there thinking about it. It was a long night with no answers.

      I don't know if He loves me. There's nothing I can do if He doesn't, and it doesn't really change anything either way. I know He cares a lot about me. He wouldn't be here if He didn't. From the beginning, I've had to tell myself it's enough. That hasn't changed.

      And I don't know how He sees us. I can toss out labels like "D/s" and "relationship". I don't know how well they stand up in our real lives though. From our conversations it's going to be that one day, and maybe it already is.

      He has a lot going on right now. Which is why I debated even posting about all this in the first place. It's why I'm still debating even as I type this out.

      I wrote Him this long text as I went to bed last night. I was completely intoxicated, but every bit of it was truth. I read it over this morning and I cringed a bit. Maybe it was too much, too soon. Maybe things that would have been better off left unsaid for now. I don't know but it's out there and I can't take it back.

      But I'm rambling now. I do that sometimes. Thanks for the support June. It's always nice to know I'm not alone. Because it does feel that way at times, that I'm some weird and strange person with too many problems. This is where I struggle with things. Often it's not with the D/s and BDSM, but everything else that comes with a relationship, especially trust.

      I may take you up on your offer to talk sometime.


    2. Sometimes you have to take the leap of faith. Daddy ad I were just friends and I had this nagging feeling, and I wasn't being me because I wasn't being true. One day I just said I have to tell you something and I hope it doesn't change anything, but if I don't say it it will be this huge wall between us, and I don't want that. I could very easily love you. - My heart was pounding in my throat, little voice really did not need one more rejection. There was quiet for a few moments and he finally said - I could very easily love you too.

      Turns out he had his own demons. He works on mine and I work on his. I know that's very different from your situation. But just maybe to give you a little hope. But even if it doesn't work with him, you have a strong and beautiful heart and any Master would be lucky to call you his.