Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Quieting The Voices

Sir and I had a very long conversation yesterday. I won't say I'm "better" because I'm not. I likely won't be for quite some time. Though brief, it was a dark and deep depressive episode. One that would be very easy to spiral back down into.

He talked me through tears and anger and walls and pain.

We don't know exactly what triggered it as there are a number of possibilities. Heck, it could have been the combination.

There was a lot of hope and light amid our conversation. There had to be in order for my mind to not be so heavily weighed down today.

Did y'all know He fell for me? It must seem so obvious. He says that He's told me this before. I'm sure He has but that doesn't mean my mind will ever remember it.

I do remember the day He was over for dinner. It was in September. We were talking about "us", as is usually the case. I remember He told me that He could walk away and it might hurt a little at first, but He'd quickly get over it. That's the kind of screwed up shit my mind remembers. But His response to my bringing that up was very sweet.

Yeah, I said that once. Doesn't mean it's still true. Nor is your submissive aspect the only good thing about you. You are the best part of you. Not what you can do or what you can be, but you.
Heh, I don't see it, at all. It's the submissive little kitten people like. Not the broken, twisted thing that hides behind it.
[JAS], I didn't fall for the kitten. I fell for the woman. The first time I saw you, I saw it all and decided that all of you was worth knowing and cherishing.

He said this other thing that made me smile when I thought of it as I was falling to sleep last night...

You are valuable, loved, and cared for. No matter what the demons and voices of doubt say. 
If you say so, heh.
I do. I have. And I will.

And one last snippet of our conversation:

Does this mean you won't leave just because I'm screwed up, and may always be on some level? 
I don't ever plan to leave.
Do you mean that the way I do?
How do you mean it?
I knew you were going to ask that...I was asking if you were saying that as my friend or my lover.
I will always say it as a friend, and for the foreseeable future I say it as a lover.

The voices of doubt didn't quite know how to react to that, heh. It's hard to cling onto such things when He's basically saying He wants to stay by my side and that He cherishes me. One could even almost possibly infer that He loves me.

I wouldn't infer such things, LOL...but the evidence is there for someone to do such.

Sir stayed with me when I was (am?) at one of the darkest places I've been in years. It's not the first time He's seen the depression. I have to keep reminding myself that He's never left. That He doesn't want to leave me to deal with it alone. Instead He pulls me closer and tries to make it okay.

I'm not used to that. After at least 15 years of depression, no one has reacted the way He has. No one seems to understand what I need to get through it like He does. No, it's not constant and He says I'm making progress. For the first time, I don't feel like this incomprehensible person, who makes people run for the hills the moment the clinical depression makes an appearance.

Yes, I am a broken human being. And yet, He wants me anyway. There's something to be said for that.


  1. We are all broken in some way or another. Its great that you ate turning toward him and getting what you need.

    1. It's hard. So fucking hard most of the time. But it's not nice being able to turn to Him.

  2. I have those same fears. Im sitting here typing with tears pouring down my cheeks because we had rather this same conversation this morning. How could he possibly love someone as broken as I am. Sometimes I feel it, in that moment, in his arms, but out of them - or seeing myself - fades till he returns. Will I always be so weak? I hope not. He wonders why I doubt his love, I don't I doubt my own worth of that love.

    You're not alone HLA.


    1. *hugs* I truly understand. I wish I could give you real hugs because I know what it's like to need them so much.

      Sir tells me that it's not weakness but strength when we're able to keep going, keep trying even when faced with so much pain. When it all hurts so much that it can feel like we're being consumed, and yet keep trying anyway...He says that's strength.

      Maybe it'll help you, as it has helped me. (when I'm aware enough to take His advice)

      We have good men who love and care about us. Even if we feel we don't deserve it, we have to respect them for it. We have to honor that love in the ways we are able.