Concerns and Conversations

It kind of feels like Sir and I are hitting a rough spot. Not really, but I have a feeling I won't be too thrilled with the conversation.

Our plans for the weekend are not what I wrote about a few days ago. It's fine. I'll still see Him on Saturday.

It's so hard sometimes. I'm as open as they come. I let people into my life easily. He walked in, with no resistance. Like I ever would have wanted to keep Him away.

He talks about fucking a woman in front of me as I'm bound helpless. Hot, right? It really is. I'd love to experience a scene/play like that.

But I don't stifle the people I'm with. More love, the better. That's who I am. I love.

So when He talks about playing and maybe fucking others, then tells me that He doesn't want to share me, I'm left feeling very confused. How can He expect me to hide away most or all of who I am, yet still be okay with letting Him do whatever He wants?

Because I've been there. I want to believe it's different with Him. I've stayed away from the dating sites. Not messaged anyone. Been on my best behavior. Let Him know about casual interests I met. I haven't had sex with anyone else.

Yes, I've not even had sex with the BF. For completely other reasons but that's besides the point.

And yes, Sir is already aware of my feelings on this. Hence the conversation we'll be having. He said (and I quote): "We'll explore our very brief conversation [from] the other day in more depth which should resolve some of the concerns you've expressed."

So He does get it. I know He has always listened. But I'm worried.

I love this man so dearly. In the last 6 months, He's become such an integral part of my life. I don't want to lose Him. Yet I can only bend so much in regards to how restricted I can be.

Everyone sees it. Our friends. The community at large. They all see how I thrive when I can be free. Which sounds contradicting to submission, but it's really not. Sir is in control. He gets the final say, whether people realize it or not. I can live with that. In fact, I'd rather it that way.

But He doesn't want to share...well, share me how? Because I need a little bit of wiggle room. I thought we had that figured out.

I don't want this to be something that comes between us. I love Him with all my heart. That I'm considering being monogamous with Him should say it all.

Maybe it's because the Sadist wants to come out to play. Or now that Sir and I are becoming more recognized, the BF is starting to...cramp His style, lol. Something like that.

I give a lot when it comes to Sir. There's only so far I can bend on this. Else He tries to make me into something I'm not. I would try so hard for Him. But I think it would end really shitty that way.

*sighs*  I don't know. But I am worried...This is why He tells me I worry too much. He's willing to resolve the issues. He's not going to leave me. I still worry about it though.

Hastily Stolen Kisses

I know I owe y'all an update about our conversations on non-monogamy. I'll get to that in my next post, I promise!

I stopped by Sir's yesterday. I was out, on my way home. He mentioned that He was around and I could stop if I felt so inclined. I wasn't about to pass up on that opportunity!!

We only had about 45 minutes, most of which was spent cuddling. I needed the comfort as some personal stuff has been going on lately. Just being with Him helped wonders.

Hot picture, though not Us

I could tell He wanted to kiss me from the moment He pulled me close. The restraint that man has is both incredible and frustrating, lol. But it wasn't too long before our lips met and I melted. He also had a fistful of my hair, gently tugging at it. Yum!

He had me backed against something...I wasn't really paying attention to the details of our surroundings at the time. In between kisses, He said, "I want to do terrible things to you..."

Tentatively, we have plans for just that next Saturday. Spending the night at His place. It'll be nice to sleep cuddled with Him, let alone the rest of it.

He didn't want to let me go, not that I wanted to leave. But eventually, we had to part as He had places He needed to be.

We also see each other on Tuesday. I may steal more cuddles from Him then as I'm sure I'll need them. Stress is a bitch. I'm sure all of that will fade away when whatever deliciously evil plans Sir has become a reality.

Rope and Weight

I am so terribly far behind on blog reading!! I'm debating catching up on about two weeks worth of posts or just move forward from here. There's arguments to both. If there's something I missed that is important, feel free to link it below. :)

I'm finally getting back on track after all the holiday splurging. I love food but I know I do overdo it at times. The holidays are the worst and it seems like things are settling down enough that I can resume a diet and exercise program. Also, winter is just terrible for staying in shape. All that cold weather doesn't entice me to venture outside, unlike the warmer months.

Two days of exercising on the gazelle, yeah I have one of those damn things. Stealing a couple of minutes on occasion, probably about 20 minutes in total today. Not much I know but it's something. My plan is to do at least 15-20 minutes every day. Hoping that once it becomes part of my regular routine, I'll be able to stick with it. Hence why I'm doing a little bit every day. If I chose every other day with more time dedicated, I'd be more likely to keep putting it off and never getting any exercise in.

What does any of this have to do with kink? Absolutely nothing, lol. That's actually far from the truth. First and foremost, getting back in shape is for ME. To be healthier and feel better about myself. Because I know the toned, fit woman lurking within and I miss her.

As far as the kink goes, the healthier I am the more I'll be able to do. I have a love of bondage but with the shape I'm in now, I can't manage it. Note that I say "shape" not "size". My muscles can't handle a hogtie or any other fun bondage that Sir and I want to try out. People don't often realize how strong muscles need to be for a lot of the more confined, constrained BDSM play...

Until muscles start twitching and the bottom is hurting all over in a not so good way. Or the top is worn out and/or pulled muscles overdoing it. I know the importance of stretching before and after a scene. Making sure my body is as loose as it's going to be. Working out helps me stay more loose and less likely to have my body freak out mid-scene.

I very much enjoy my scenes and if part of that preparation means working out 20 minutes a day so we can have more fun, that's a damn good motivator. And learning rope work. Because tying people up just seems like a lot of fun, especially if Sir and I want to both Top another person. Which yes, we have plans for doing such things.

My goal is by June to be at my desired weight...and to have a more working knowledge of rope bondage. I've been giving myself too much time and flexibility. The last few years have been "by the end of the year" promises. I need a short term goal that will force me to keep myself in line. I honestly don't think 3 1/2 months will be enough but that's what I'm going with. We'll see where I'm at by June 1st. :-)

One last thing, did I ever mention Sir and my conversion where we discussed sexual non-monogamy? If not, I'll tackle that in my next post. It was surprising and quite interesting. Gotta say I love that man so much!

So it wasn't a fluke

Sorry it's taken me so long to post about the weekend. I've been a walking zombie for most of the last two days. Big events with a lot of people tend to leave me feeling like a rag doll.

Sir and I had a wonderful weekend. I had missed sleeping with Him. That man is so sweet, even as He's fast asleep laying next to me. Every time I shifted, He'd wrap an arm around me and pull me closer. If I was uncovered, He'd pull them back over me.

I can now confirm that it wasn't a fluke and I do in fact sleep quite comfortably with Sir. I'd argue better as the last few nights have sucked without Him. Wanted Him curled up with me as a bed doesn't feel right without Him there.

I did run into the woman who used to be my best friend. I saw her in the lobby of the hotel. Her voice sounds different than I remember, though she looks the same. As for the friend Tom...I saw him a number of times. Even a bit of awkward catching of each other's eyes. I couldn't bring myself to say hi. But, it was a closing of the door. A step towards peace with the past.

The weekend was a reminder of what I want in my future. Those people in my life who I hold close. The steps I need to take to live in that freedom I felt this past weekend all the time. I believe it has been made clearer to those friends who were with us that He and I are far more than friends.

It was an open acknowledgement of "us." One of many good steps in the right direction. He even commented on how the community might react when suddenly our profiles read very differently than they do now. We'll just have to wait and see...

This weekend

So we're currently listening to music that's just a bit too loud. Yes, I'm posting from the venue.

Everything has been wonderful. This is my first free moment all weekend which should tell you how busy it's been. We're waiting for another set to begin. I saw Sir checking my blog which reminded me to say hello to you lovely people.

I'll tell you all the details when I'm not posting from my phone. I apologize if the formatting isn't proper as blogger from my phone likes to screw with me.

We'll be heading back after some dinner. Likely to arrive home around 8, so not too terrible. It's been a great weekend and completely worth the little to no sleep. Not sure if Sir completely agrees...

Hopefully enough that we'll return to this at another time. :)

Departure

I'm all packed up for our trip. All the plans have been settled. We're not driving up alone, and I have the others coming to my place. It was the easiest solution. They'll be here at 5. That's when Sir gets out of work so in case they run late (very likely) there is plenty of time for everything to run smoothly.

I am punctual. It bothers me when others aren't. I've learned who those people are and I adjust time accordingly. My mother is like that so I've had practice. Sir is always punctual, a good trait. Now we can just hope that work doesn't hold Him up. Considering it's a Friday, they shouldn't...I'm not a huge fan of His current employment. An understatement for how He feels.

Anyway, I'm all dolled up. Excited to get on the road and arrive at our destination. Plunge head first into the madness that will likely ensue. I'm bringing a few kinky toys with me. Not sure if we'll use them but the option will be available.

I'll admit I am a bit nervous. I've touched upon the orgasm control now and then. He has plans...I am fully prepared to orgasm many times, in public surrounded by lord only knows how many people. Trying to contain it. Hide it well enough so no one notices.

My inner Sadist and masochist are loving this plan. Totally for it. Great fun. The inner sub has humility, and is wide eyed in fear. Hoping He won't actually do this but knowing He's already done it. Tuesday...the man had me under. Used one of my trigger words to taunt me. In public, among our friends.

Don't get me wrong, I do want this. I'm also well aware that the fantasy and the reality are very different. The fantasy makes me wet and swoon. The reality will do the same, with large doses of humiliation. The kind that leaves me trembling. Good thing I have someone to catch me if I fall.

The rest of Sunday

So Sunday, before things got a little crazy, was actually a fantastic day.

He mentioned the other day that every time He sees me, He wants to ravish me. I was taken back by that, in a good way. Sunday I went over to His place. I was downstairs for all of two minutes when I was marched upstairs to the bedroom.

Kisses that stole my breath away. He pushed me towards the bed, so that my legs were hanging off of it. Pushed up my skirt and pulled my panties aside. He found me wet, the kisses alone had me drenched. Grabbing some rope, He tied my hands and arms together. Bondage for me and a harness for Him to grab.

Then He fucked me senseless, lol. Literally. He had me cum on command, just as He came. That's something nifty right there, gotta tell ya. Suddenly I look at all those romance stories where the partners come together in a new light. Orgasm control anyone? Tee hee hee!

After all the delicious sex...and it was incredibly delicious...we went to see a movie. "Warm Bodies"

I won't give anything away. But I highly recommend the movie. I'll go out on a limb and say Sir would too. We were dying laughing for most of the movie. Except when I had to grab His hand because I was jumping. Hate scary things, lol. The ending surprised us...I'll leave it at that.

You know about most of the rest of the evening. The panic attack happened shortly after we got back to His place. But that actually wasn't the end of our evening. We headed back upstairs to watch more "Chuck"; I'm really beginning to like the show. I have a feeling I'll love it soon enough. The character of Chuck reminds me of Sir. Part of why He loves the show. I love the man, but He is sometimes very clueless.

Before we settled in to watch Chuck, He decided to have a little fun and punish me as well. See, I was listening to music the other night. I ended up having three orgasms listening to Adele's "Set Fire To The Rain"...the live version. It's sexy as hell. And while Sir was more amused than anything by this turn of events (I'm sure He'll use it against me at some point), He realized I would feel guilty until I was punished.

*blushes*  He had me suck Him off very briefly...then made me watch and not be able to touch as He finished Himself off...then He came all over me. Now something He remembered that I have not mentioned here is that I find being cum on humiliating. To the point of being degrading. It was a creative way to remind me of my place, while not truly being a severe punishment.

That was our Sunday. Even now, I'm squirming just thinking of it.

I realize it's Valentine's Day. We won't be seeing each other today. I knew and I'm sure He did as well. We'll have our weekend together. Plus, V-day is just a commercialism ploy. I show love, affection, care every day. I don't need a damn holiday to "prove" myself, nor does Sir or anyone else for that matter.

I'll try to update, even just a little bit over the weekend. No promises though as I'm sure the next few days will be a whirlwind.

Mini Vacation

I'm doing better-ish. It helps that everyone at my friend's place is good. Hopefully for some time yet. Her son, monster man, falling ill was the scariest part. Poor thing isn't even 2 for another month yet. But monster man and the pups are healthy, for now. Crossing fingers and saying prayers that it'll last.

Sir and I are going away later this week. I've been trying to find the way to tell y'all as it's been a sore subject. Not the trip; that's going to be fantastic! I got pushed into going to this convention of sorts. Kind of kinky but not entirely. I coerced Sir to coming along with us. Even the ride up should be amusing.

No, it's where we're going. The area specifically. I know people performing. Not "I know of them" but instead I grew up with them. I knew the one was going to be there. She mentioned that she's been going to this for a few years now...the previous best friend. The one I mentioned in this post.

I didn't expect to see...him. His name is Tom. I first saw him many years ago. Maybe as young as elementary school. The years slide together after a while. I kept seeing him though, wasn't difficult in a small town. It wasn't until 2003 that we became friends...that I fell in love with him. It was all too easy. Nothing ever existed between us. Some flirting, kissing; never a relationship.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, my time in his life was ripped short. I haven't seen Tom since 2004. So, when I saw his picture earlier it felt like I had been punched. All the air in my lungs quickly escaped. I was startled to see him. Furthermore to see that he and previous best friend are still in touch. She was the one taking the pictures that I was checking out.

It's the past and I know it's going to stay that way. But being so close to where it all began for us, it's painful to know I'm going back. Well, not quite returning. Close enough though that it doesn't make a difference.

Sir said He'd be there to support me. Because He's amazing like that. And even with all my mopey flashbacks, it's going to be a great time. Plus, cuddling!! Lots and lots of cuddling. Sexy outfits. And that's not even counting what I'll be wearing to bed.

I'll be sure to keep y'all updated. We're leaving right after Sir gets off of work. It'll be a rush but the drive won't be too bad. Maybe 3 hours at most. Then it'll be 48 hours of crazy good times. I'll be sure to tell you guys all about it.

Panic

Time seems to be slipping away from me...again. I had a post for Friday that was irrelevant by the time I could actually post it.

I was gone all week. Too many close calls lately, all within one house. I was with Sir yesterday. I'll tell you about the fun stuff tomorrow...but I received a phone call. It was the friend I had been with because shit was hitting the fan. She cried and I talked her through it. I started crying my eyes out the moment I hung up.

Sir was good about it. Let me cry and held me tight. He said at one point that He envies my heart. Ya know, the compassion, empathy, all that jazz. Days like yesterday, I'm not so sure I want it.

I faded in and out for a while after that. I know I had a panic attack. The damn man brought up knives. Evil fuckers. Normally I can talk about them. No big deal. But it seems like everything has been crashing down around me lately.

I kind of broke a little. Panic attack. I could tell He was damn worried about me. There are little bits and pieces. I was singing softly to myself. It's a method of forcing me to breathe, and control the breathing. I remember Him trying to get me to focus. Once it was a full blown panic attack, His voice was the only thing bringing me back. Harsh, rough...with a hint of fear and pain.

He was really good about it. Better than anyone ever was. I'm so grateful I had Him there. It would have been a lot worse without Him.

Non-ending Orgasms

The man is deliciously, fantastically evil. God I love Him!

27 orgasms...yeah. I asked for some help. I was having some not so great pain. Lovely how the human body works, especially being a woman.

I figured I'd get a little bit of help. Heh, be careful what ya wish for. He wore me out for half an hour. Testing out different orgasm control commands. Mad scientist at work, LOL!!

Gotta love Him for it though as the pain is all gone. :)

Now He wants to try out different commands and signals in public...to have me doing this ALL the time!! EVIL!

I once offhandedly mentioned that we could stick with orgasm control for months and not be bored. Seems He's going to test that out.

The man is so lucky I love Him...and I'm just as lucky to have Him.

Slipping & Crawling Back Up

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a very long couple of days. Had friends over for super bowl. Then an emergency had me leaving quickly to best friend and her son. They're both okay now. Little man is on medicine--that of course he doesn't want to take. It was a stressful last few days though.

Speaking of stress, I was thinking too much in the shower yesterday evening. There's something good in there, I know it. But upon expressing it to Sir, nothing worked right. I started feeling myself retreat so I went purposefully numb. The depression was trying to kick my ass, and almost did.

See, when the depression makes a full on attack like that, everything gets twisted. Even things that should be good things, my brain says: "He only cares "this" much, and you care "that" much...and it'll never work. You'll be hurt. You'll never be happy."

Pretty fucked up I know. I don't blame Him; I never would. Honesty is appreciated and He gives me that. It's not His fault my mind can twist just about anything...

But. Yes, there is a "but" to all of this.

We kept talking. Once I explained that it was on me, not an outward projection...He thought I was thinking He was just going to up and leave me. No, it's not like that. It all focuses inward.

That all started around 6:30. By 11, I was doing okay. The moment I called Him "Sir" it was like the pieces fell back into their proper places. It felt so right. He agreed, which helped even more.

Today I'm still a little jumpy, emotionally. But I am okay. This is not the norm for me. He says I'm in the early stages of healing. I think I have to agree after how I managed last night. A large part is in thanks to Sir. He was fantastic and supportive...unlike so many people from my past.

Intentionally or not, they were helping to feed the depression. Because when I get dismissed or being told I'm acting unreasonable/irrational, it confirms all of the negative thoughts. Skews me further down that dark path. So I in turn make worse decisions, even as I try to make things okay between myself and the other person.

I am so thankful to have Sir. How He treats me gives me hope. Though I sometimes begrudge Him for giving me hope, I'm actually quite grateful for it.

Deep Subspace

Last night was incredible, almost beyond words. I had a small get together for some friends, mainly those newer to TTWD. It was a great learning experience for many and it sounds like this will be a reoccurring event, which is more than fine with me. I enjoy helping others.

Even if I was confused for a Domme, lol. They only saw me Top during the night, so I understand why the assumption was made. The Sadist has been out in full force as of late. I think Sir likes it too. The more I delve into the masochism, the more the Sadism wants out of its box. I say they are separate entities but I'm beginning to wonder if they are tied intrinsically together.

So the incredible part...

Sir and I played last night. Yes, He was here and it was wonderful.

At first, we were watching two other plays. Which she giggles at nearly every sensation. We were cracking up over it. Also, we may have found a third to play with us some time. She'd be a heck of a lot of fun! While they were having their fun, Sir had a bit of His own with me.

He teased me with the gag until He noticed that I really wanted to it, heh. He gagged me, slipped on a blindfold, and then handcuffed my hands behind my back. Over the spanking bench I went (sideways, not on it) and He had some fun with me.

Four triggered orgasms later...He is so good at that. Lifted the blindfold long enough to hold up fingers to indicate how many orgasms He wanted me to have, and to make sure I had achieved them. I think He just used floggers on me. The details are a little fuzzy. But I'm still amazed how easily I can cum when He commands me. Instead of attention to my pussy, He can have me orgasm with the touch of implements and pain.

An extension of Him, in some ways. It may not be His physical self, but it's still His touch.

That wasn't even the incredible part of the night. No, it was once He had me on the cross that it really became interesting.

There's a specific level of subspace that before last night I had only read about, but never experienced myself. The space of dissociation from what is occurring at the time. I was aware of everything-the pain, the impact, and Sir.

But it was like there was a step missing in the process of understanding, as if I was looking from the outside in...hmmm not quite that. Awareness with comprehension but not fully experiencing it.

I don't have the words for it. However, the experience was mind-blowing!! I have never been so deep in subspace before. Sir said He noticed when it happened too, which is awesome. We did lose that space for a little bit. What He did to bring it back was so HOT!

First He used a cane. Have I mentioned how much I love that bamboo cane?? ADORE it!! He did use it on my ass and thighs, mmm. But that's not what I mean here. Sir had me facing the cross, my hands up high attached to the cross via cuffs. He put the cane against my neck, had me take a deep breath, then pushed me forward while pulling back on the cane.

OMG!!! When He counted out to 15, I nearly lost it. I was so overwhelmed in the best way. Physically controlled and hearing each number was like a mental leash being pulled.

The best was yet to come though...because after the cane He grabbed a belt. *swoons*

If I love anything more than the cane and floggers, it's the belt. Only by Sir, no one else has ever used it in a way I enjoy. He had me place both hands on the cross; I was to tap out when I needed to be release. He placed the belt against my neck and I just about melted on the spot. When He pulled, I was lost. He pulled it tight about three or four separate times.

I was back into the depths of subspace, where He could do anything He wanted to me. And did He ever have fun!! I did too, of course. I was soaking wet by the end of our play.

Even now, I'm drifting in a happy place. Stable, I have no fear of dropping from this. I used to "drop" on a regular basis. With Sir, I give more of myself over to Him. I surrender. The afterglow is similar to being held in His arms; it's safe and warm.

TTWD has a way of sneaking up and surprising me. Every time I think I figured it all out, a curve ball upsets the whole balance. But that's the best part, there's always something new to explore. If deeper subspace and a better connection to Sir is what I have to look forward to, I welcome what's to come. :)

What's Important

Sir has agreed to do a guest post...at my not so subtle request. He's so sweet. :-)  So keep an eye out for that in the near future!

Last night was rough on us. I was in a bad place all day which culminated into something ugly by the nighttime. To His credit, He didn't leave me alone to handle it myself. Quite the opposite in fact. I know it couldn't have been easy for Him, especially not being in person.

For us, sex and kink are easy. Seamless. Granted there's a lot of unexplored territory there. However, the power exchange and all this could possibly be will be a cakewalk. His comment sums nicely what we are about:

"That's why I push off sex and kink.

Because they're easy. And they don't take work.

Focusing on what takes work is important, everything else can happen later.

It's why I want you as a person.

Not as someone to fuck or beat

but as a person, a friend."

If anyone is more aware of the damage and its effect, that would be Him. Saw it the day we met and yet continued down this path anyway. I have to admire that, though He'd claim that it's just who He is and what He does.

I'm terrified that the more He sees, the less He'll want me until the day He leaves all together. It's what everyone else has done, or they've ignored it. Abandonment and rejection. Yeah, this kitty has some deep scars, battle wounds from life and love.

Yet I always forget what I just mentioned above: He saw it as soon as we met.

The walls I use to hide myself away have been nothing more than sheer curtains He can brush aside with ease at any time. I even mentioned this in my second post. Nothing He's seen has been a surprise. Instead of pushing me away, He's wanted to pull me close and comfort me.

In a moment of clarity late last night as I was already laying in bed, I wrote Him a letter to His email...okay that's not the whole story. After we said our good nights, I was feeling very lost and concerned. So I looked up and talked to God. Something along the lines of: "I'm supposed to be talking to you again. I could use a little help right now."

Honestly, I was able to be more clearheaded and stable shortly after that. I also didn't want to go to sleep with all that friction between us so I poured my heart out onto the page. I wanted Him to know just how much I appreciate and love Him. Because for all the damaged pieces lined with unhealed scars, I love Him with all my heart.

For Him, and our future, I will walk the path He sets us on. Crawl on hands and knees if need be. No, I'm not talking kink and BDSM. Like I said, those are easy. He wants to help me. He wants to take control and lead. Be the safe place to help me heal and grow.

Okay, I'm splitting hairs by not calling it kink. Because it does sound like a power exchange relationship, does it not? It's the out of the bedroom stuff. The whole package, which is what I always wanted. He wants all of me; the person, not just the fetish. I have to trust and allow Him to do what He needs to do.

Wish me luck on letting go of the last few pieces I hold on tight to!!