Thursday, January 24, 2013

Choices Made

My best friend growing up and my best friend now share the same name. Different women obviously.

My second love was my childhood best friend. I fell for her while my heart was still raw from losing my first love, a boy who still and always will have a place in my heart.

I loved her deeply. I wanted to spend my life by her side...I should have known then I was poly. I keep waiting for her to come out of that closet as well.

We were more than friends without being lovers. She my heart. I will love her with every breath till the day I die. It kills me that I lost her friendship many years ago.

So, now I have my new best female friend. Who shares the same name. The one I'm currently visiting. The one who is looking for a poly "sister" for her and her fiance.

I would play with her, but women are different. And given whose name she shares, it's agonizing. Having her as a best friend is difficult enough, let alone being emotionally/physically intimate.

I have a hard enough time always believing Sir isn't going to leave/disappear. Let alone anyone else in my life.

Not to mention, I frankly don't know if I should pursue something. Sir comes first and I feel like being intimate on any level with my friend will cause conflict down the road.

It's ironic. My childhood friend couldn't be what I needed of her, and I can't be what my friend now needs of me.

It's not just with her. I'm sure K and R will not like the conversation that's going to occur one of these days. I can't be the sexual sub they need.

I was able to rattle off a list of people last night while on the phone with Sir. Of people that want me in bed to do kinky and/or sexual things with me...and those were only the people He'd recognize by name...

My instinct is to be what people need of me. Especially people I love, and there are quite many of those people. I know I can't be everything to everyone.

I know how Sir is. What allowances He would and wouldn't give a long term partner. I knew going in, with full understanding, the choices I'd have to make. Yes, my choices. He can't make me be or live in any way I didn't consent to. I knew what my options were and I chose Him.

I chose to give myself to Sir. All I can give to Him, be all He wants and needs. Whatever resources I have left, I gladly will give to those I love. But it's always going to be limited. Something I need to cement in my mind so as to make clear to others.

Please don't take this as changing for a man. I know full well what I can and can't live with. And I accept who He is, including what all that means.

It means some vanilla, some kink, a whole lot of geek, sexual monogamy, acknowledging my relationship with God (sometimes lack thereof), and likely a mess of other things.

It means what could be with my best friend, never will be. And I'm okay with that. It's the choice I made to be with the man I love.

Which leads into a whole interesting topic about choices and D/s. Tomorrow...


  1. There is a lot of irony here. I can't wait for your next post to see the rest of the story.

    1. I felt like there should be a flashing sign of "Irony" for this post.

      The rest of it will be up soon. :)