A conversation with Depression

Depression: Why hello there JAS. Did you miss me?

No, I really didn't.

D: But I'm familiar,  remember?

*silence*

D: Awww, kitty got her own tongue?

What do you want?

D: Just wanted to say hello to an old friend. Remind you of all those little things you seem to forget now and then.

You're a liar.

D: No JAS, that would be you.

That may be the case sometimes, but you're all lies. Twisting the truth so I won't leave you. Throwing all those horrible memories at me whenever I'm happy.

You can't stand it, me moving on from your control. But I'm not the only one fighting anymore. And unlike me, they'll never believe your lies. I don't have to be perfect; they love me anyway.

D: For now. What happens when they leave? They always leave. Then you'll be all alone, turning right back to me.

Funny thing about that. I believe in them. Whatever may happen, they won't leave.

D: Even Him? I know your fears. I push on those fears, tempt Him with leaving. You know it's only a matter of time. And then you'll fall to pieces. I know you can't handle another heartbreak, especially not from Him. You'll embrace me because I was right.

I am scared and I know you use that against me. But you aren't real. You are all the bad things that have ever happened. You are the pain and fear personified in my mind. I understand. You're scared too, because you are me.

You're just as afraid of getting hurt. In a messed up way, you're trying to protect me. Unfortunately, I know you for the lies you are. I never wanted the depression. Even if you never go away, you won't be the voice with the final say ever again.


I know this isn't the update y'all were expecting, but I needed it. It's been a rough few days in my own head. In the next post, I'll tell you all about the good and bad that has occurred. Mostly good things though. :)

Off With Sir :)

This will be a quick post! Sir will be here in less than 3 hours and then we'll be off having lots of fun. :-D

I can't wait to see Him and spend time together!! Even though I saw Him on Saturday, I miss Him already. It'll be very good to have alone time with no worries or concerns.

I'll be sure to fill in some details for you all over the next few days!!

Also, I'm celebrating with a good portion of the US with DOMA being declared unconstitutional as well as marriage equality being legal once more in CA. There's a long way to go on so many issues in the US but these were two big steps to seeing a better future for all.

When Needs Change

"It's about getting what you need,

not what you want."

...said Rebecca to me yesterday afternoon. I've always known this when it came to TTWD. I have a list of what I think I need. Just now, I reread that list and apparently I forgot a few things on it. It's overall a fantastic list, one I've not been following--given how some of my D/s relationships have been. It's a list of 21 important aspects I want in a D/s relationship.

Most of what I listed could have been about Sir. Back then, I wasn't sure I'd ever find a man like that. There are a few things on the list that aren't nearly as important now as they were then. I've been searching for an equal. A man who would respect me and cherish me just as I am. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that and found people who didn't treat me as such. That is until I met Sir.

No, our styles and particular flavors of TTWD don't look like the usual kinds. He wants me strong, capable, confident, and whole. He wants me to be free of the past and its chains. He wants me to kneel before Him because I choose to do so, not because I'm too weak to stand on my own.

I came across some things He said last August. (don't ask how I managed to find these, lol) 

"I have this horrible habit of giving people what they need rather than what they want."

"We share some traits, and one of them is having an answer instantly, but dancing around it or trying to change it until we have no choice but admit that the instinct was right."

"When you say that you don't know what you need, are you saying that about life as a whole, or about me specifically and our interactions?"   

At the time, I thought it was simply about Him. Looking back I'd argue both, and that they were related. He really did shake my world from day one.

Heh, I lost some time rereading our earlier conversations. We fought against this so hard. I was trying to friend-zone Him, while He was busy keeping Himself distant enough to not become emotionally involved. It's sweet to read as we've expanded on all the little highlighted pieces from the beginning. I understand Him better now. Oh hindsight...

We've been touching upon jealousy again. I'm intensely jealous, but only when it comes to Sir. Even though one of the passages I found in my reading was Him talking about how He wouldn't threaten an existing relationship for a perspective one. I know it's on me and my insecurities. I'm terrified of losing the man who fulfills needs that I don't even recognize. Yet, I also know I don't have a leg to stand on given how I live my life. What right do I have to be jealous of Him meeting new people, when I'm the one with multiple partners? I've been wrestling with this for months and still have no answers. It's something He said we'll talk about soon.

It all comes back to needs. What is really a need? Sir is...I need Him. I fought so hard for many years to live in polyamory. Yet I recall a conversation we had in the old kitchen, not too long after we had met. We spoke of how I had all these people to fulfill bits and pieces of needs, all in order to feel safe and satisfied. That in searching maybe I was looking for one person who met all my needs. It was a question as to whether I kept adding and subtracting because I was poly or because I was searching for something more, someone better.

I had a hard time with that question, as years ago I thought if I found the right person, I wouldn't be so strange anymore. That maybe I could be normal like everyone else. Even as I hated the question, it's stuck with me. Sir was right, but I'll also never be normal either. I was searching for someone who would fulfill the most important needs, for someone who would leave me content within myself so the inner pull to search would disappear.

Having Sir in my life has been the first time I haven't felt the constant dull ache for more. I've never felt more allowed to be myself. It's not always smooth sailing, but the bumps in the road never last long. I'm not used truly depending on another person and having them come through when it matters most. I've found that with Him. Which is why polyamory seems less of a need and more "if it's possible"  because that's not what fulfilled me. That fulfillment belongs to Sir and all the good He's done for me. I need this wonderful man, not all the rest.

I'm pretty sure I'm as startled by that reality as anyone else. Believe me, I've fought long and hard to live poly. Cried too many times as I tried to explain why I was wired differently. Discovering polyamory was a breath of fresh air as finally I understood myself.

For months now, I've waged this private war. Could I give that up if that's what it took to keep us happy and healthy? Then I realized I could choose monogamy and not give up who I am as a poly person. I've not given up all the personal growth. I'm still poly, which will never change. It is how I'm wired but it's not the only wiring...Suddenly it doesn't matter as much.

Needs can change. It took a long time for me to accept this one. That something which used be to a top priority is not all that important. Funny how that can happen, heh. The right person comes along and does change everything. Not in any way that I ever expected but isn't that always the case. I have a lot more to reevaluate but this is something important so I'd thought I'd share.

Pleasant Surprises

I'm finally home. So glad to be back, even if I have a number of unpleasant things to deal with. There was a change in plans as I should have been home yesterday. Well Chris came to pick me up last week because while I love my car, it is completely unreliable for long distances. Things went from stressed to panicked from Thursday into Friday. Chris barely slept and ended up driving his car into his house. Everyone and everything is fine but it was cause for concern.

When Sir found out about this, He offered to pick me up. The three of us agreed this was for the best. Surprise time with Sir!! I'll take that any day! We had lots of fun on the way back to my house. :-D

He told me He was bringing toys. Oh look, a glass dildo waiting for me in the glove box. Two and a half hours of torment--something to that effect. Even though Sir wanted to keep me on edge without orgasms until Thursday, I'm definitely worn out from the constant slight vibrations and attention with the dildo that completely filled me. Not that I was able to orgasm, just that my body is exhausted. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be even more wound up.

Not to mention that Sir found a pull off spot for me to suck Him off. Mmmm! That was delicious. At one point, He grabbed me by my hair and face fucked me. It was glorious, especially when He made me hold my breath as He did that. Of course I was still full with the dildo, moaning like a whore every time He pushed it further inside of me.

But the most interesting part is that Sir has been mindfucking me for months. By months, I mean basically the whole time we've been playing together. See, I've been waiting for Him to find His dominant voice again. Become readjusted to BDSM, D/s, TTWD. Turns out He had already found it, but it looked nothing what I thought it would be. Yeah, yeah I know I've said this same thing to others--possibly have even mentioned it here.

Part of it is that Sir is driven by consent. He always wants my consent, every single time. I knew that and so I thought that's all there was to it. Oh no, not at all!!! No, He loves tormenting me by making me ask for exactly what it is I want. By forcing me to initiate first, He had all the power without actually having power until I gave it to Him.

I do understand. I am not going to be allowed a passive role in our power exchange. If I want it, I have to be willing to meet Him half way, or close enough for Sir to take over. Because once He has the power, He uses every last bit of it. Most of what He has done revolved around messing with my head. Why I never realized that's His flavor of power exchange is beyond me. It was all right there but the pieces never clicked.

There's something brilliant about how He set all of that up. Because as Sir noted, my past has had less of a traumatic influence the more choice He gives me in initiating the power exchange. It's like a light bulb in a closed room. I saw my submission as a light bulb that was constantly on. It's still an accurate description. What I never realized what that the door to the room was closed, access to it being cut off until I open that door.

For Sir, He closes that door every time we're done playing. Always to be invited back in because He respects that as my space. It's part of me and therefore until invited in, He will hover by the door. Sometimes He'll watch the light flare under the door. All my hints for Him to open it, come on in and take control. But I understand now--with where both of us are in regards to consent, this is the way it has to be done.

I still can't believe I didn't see it until now. I knew He could be dominant at times. I never realized what His natural dominance looked like. It is about power and the mind. He is not a traditional Dom, and definitely not a traditional Sadist. Yet I love the mind games, how He loves to torture me. It's frustrating because...heh...it turns me into the wanton slut that we both know I am.

I've never been happier with someone in this kind of relationship. I've known this and I'm beginning to understand the reasons behind it. He's been helping to heal me. When we play, it challenges both of us. He's also FAR more dominant than my mind has given Him credit for. Now that I know what to look for, I have a feeling this will get even more interesting. :)

When it all goes to hell

Last night was...god last night was a mess. Dinner didn't happen until 9 PM because charcoal is a fickle bitch. But it was delicious and amazing...until my friend put his hand against his chest. I saw his girlfriend freak out; she knew exactly what had just happened. Apparently he has a narrow esophagus and food likes to get trapped there, especially when he's anxious. He could breathe, which made the situation just a little less horrific.

Have I mentioned that I'm surrounded by introverts with this group of friends? Severe introverts who can't or won't open up to people that can actually help them.  *sigh*  There's one extrovert, who of course left yesterday. The friends who weren't able to come are probably a healthy mixture of introvert and extrovert, so I no real issues with them.

Anyway, that's what happened. As we listened for the next...oh forty five minutes...to his body freaking out and him saying that it wasn't time yet  to go to the hospital, I shut down. His girlfriend was a mess. I was numb to keep the panic away. Eventually we convinced him to go to the hospital, enough was enough. Thankfully, he got carsick on the way and his body stopped trying to freak out. So we brought him back to rest and unwind.

Food for the next few days is going to be interesting. Given how much both of them will be freaking out, I'm thinking liquids. Lots and lots of liquids that can not get stuck. I don't know how his girlfriend has done this several times over the years, where lately it's meant a hospital trip every single time. There's underlying issues that need to be fixed and I don't think they're going to be any time soon.

Sir was my lifesaver through all of this. As we were leaving for the hospital, I sent Him a text saying I needed to talk with him, this is what is going on, and I'm freaking out. We proceeded to talk for the next hour or so, as the numbness wore off and the unused panic tried to set in. I was given emotional interstate cuddles, which made me giggle and relax.

At that point, my mind could only handle simple emotions, as the rest of the day was not really any better than the nighttime. So slowly the panic set into love, which was much stronger. Because I have an awesome Sir who loves me and keeps me safe. I would have been freaking the fuck out without Him.

He is my warm strength when I'm weak or I fall. I love everything about that. :)

Naked Thursday?? Apparently!!

There's something a little unusual about me when the first thing I do when entering my bedroom is get undressed...in the middle of the day. And not notice for a good 5 minutes. I do this on a fairly regular basis, too. Then I wonder why I'm not wearing clothes anymore.

I'm supposed to be packing and got distracted by the internet. :D  Which is probably why I didn't notice that I was naked right away.

Sorry for teasing you all in the comment section yesterday!! I was quite worked up but I didn't mean to do the same to you. :-P

Once things settle down after this month, we really do hope to see each other more often. I playfully said that I'd have two of our friends (both well over 6 ft tall, big men)  kidnap Him for me, if not. I know it's something we're trying to work on. With both of us being out of town for most of this month, there's not much we can do about it.

As much as I'm hyping up seeing Him at the end of the month, it's not about the kink or sex. I miss Him. Falling asleep with His arm wrapped around me and waking up with Him there. Our playfulness and teasing. Just being together--that's what I miss.

He joked that I was going to be planning and plotting this big affair for His birthday. And yeah, we're totally going to have sexcapades. There's going to be a woman tied to the bed as a present. *rolls eyes*  I'm sure as hell not going to give up alone time with Sir. I'm not an orgy type of gal anyway. Ya need orgy clothes, orgy furniture and orgy kind of friends. ;)

I think I've had enough distractions. So I'm going to put clothes back on, lol and go pack. Hope everyone is having a Happy Thursday!!!!

Happy Birthday Sir!!!

Today is my amazing Sir's birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my love!!!

Even though I won't be able to give you your birthday present for two weeks, 

know that I will more than make up for the wait. :D

Not to mention, you don't know 

all the little surprises I have planned!

It may be a little delayed,

but we will definitely celebrate your birthday

with a bang!

Two Weeks of Teasing

Last night, I was at a munch with several friends, including Kevin and Rebecca. It was so good to see them. We're trying to make plans for the four of us, as well as a night of play--willing plaything that I am. :D

One of my friends was wearing a suit. Now, normally this guy does nothing for me whatsoever. A good friend but definitely not interested. Put him in a suit and suddenly he's infinitely more appealing. I actually had to go touch the suit, tailored might I add. I was so riled up. Doesn't help that Kevin and Rebecca were completely teasing me earlier in the night too.

Of course I told Sir about this once I got home. I wanted to be dominated and fucked right then and there, lol. He was amused that I was so desperate and needy. What happens this morning? I start daydreaming about the end of the month. He wanted to know all  about it. Sir has taken it upon Himself to torment me for the next two weeks, whenever He can. Wants me to be an eager, willing, pliant submissive for Him. One who'd be willing to do just about anything.

And...I love Him all the more for it. It's going to be an agonizingly wonderful two weeks. Once He gets me all alone, oh dear!! I'm so in trouble, in the best way. It's going to be absolutely fantastic. He'll have His slutty, eager submissive to play with. All worked up, thinking constantly about sucking His cock. Really, that's all I've thought about all day long, when I haven't been thinking about more fantasies. I want Him in me, in every hole. He could do pretty much about anything to me right now and I would love it. Hahaha! :P

So on a completely unrelated note, even the therapist thinks Sir is good for me. I'm highly amused by this. Up until the end of today's session, the therapist didn't know anything about Sir and I beyond that we're friends. And I quote, "You need more friends like Him."  Towards the end, I basically came clean knowing that I'm terrible at speaking vaguely. I explained how I'm polyamorous and kinky. Neither of which shocked him. Apparently he's had kinky patients before. I think that's fantastic. The poly bit is new to him but as I explained what that meant for me, he was completely open about it.

I outright told the guy that my relationship with Sir is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. Considering how much the guy likes Sir already, I'm sure he'll agree with that. I figure we'll talk more about both when I see him in two weeks. I'm not ashamed of my lifestyle choices. Why should I call Sir and the bf "just friends" when they are so much more? Plus, as Sir pointed out, "A therapist picking up on openly broadcast emotions? No way!  I tease, of course."  I probably smiled a little (or a lot), every time I spoke of Sir, even as a friend. I can't help it, lol.

After I get back from time with Chris, I have another session. I'm surprisingly enjoying therapy, way more than I ever expected. Which I think that has everything to do with how much I like the therapist. :)  I hope it continues to go this well.

The Shifts of Power, The Shifts in Us

I have what I feel is an interesting post waiting in the drafts. I'm having Sir look over it first. For one, I'm not terribly sure it's long enough. Honestly, it feels like one of the topics I could write an essay on. Too many literature and writing classes have my mind wired to present topics versus simply writing on them. I think I pared it down to a manageable level without losing the intended effect. Also, I had Sir look at it first because it was not something I wanted to spring up on Him. I gave Him the deciding vote on whether it'll end up here or not, which is in a way fitting given the subject matter of the post.

Okay, now I'm just rambling. :P

Lost Kittie and I were chatting about Doms the other day. The reactions they cause in us. How we tend to hang onto their every word. Always looking for some sort of confirmation of acceptance and continued interest. Trusting them to know what the heck they're doing. Which we all know sometimes they don't and need a gentle nudge. It can be difficult though not to step on toes, and even harder, not to crush what is often a fragile ego.

Our conversation sparked a stumbling train of thoughts that led me in circles and a variety of paths. We're going to see where it takes me now. Hope you enjoy the ride. :D

We have this idea of what Doms are, in both the finite and infinite possibilities. For the most part, until we begin to give them control and power over us, we can still see them as an equal. We're hiding safely behind our walls. We've yet to experience the awe of watching the soon-to-be Dom fully clothe himself in power.

The moment the shift occurs, something shifts within us. Suddenly the man has become a little bit more than that. Within the man, there becomes pieces just out of our reach. We find ourselves exposed, piece by piece. Walls are dismantled or come crumbling down. Sometimes they're pushed aside as if they never existed at all. By the very nature of the power exchange relationship, this occurs. Yet what was once equal has tipped, the scales being in his favor.

The Dom reveals what is necessary when he feels it is appropriate. There is no full, complete exposure--definitely not in the way we've unveiled ourselves. We find ourselves no long the masters of our own lives, instead having to turn to another. It is this reversal that leaves us so vulnerable. He has become essential to day to day living because we crave approval, love, acceptance, direction, and even correction.

The simplest of words have power that never would have existed before this relationship. There are symptoms of withdraw when he is gone too long or seemingly becomes distant. This is something the Dom may not even realize, for he cannot sense or feel the constant yearning that is within us. All that independence we're taught to hold so tightly and proudly on to is ripped from our grasp. Their presence in our lives becomes non-negotiable. All our fears and concerns are amplified because the voice inside our own head is no longer the one in control. So we can't completely ease our consciences, instead we need to turn to them to provide that voice of calm and reason.

The changes that occur when power is handed over is specific to an individual. But no one handles it with grace all the time. There is an inherent neediness to being submissive. It can shake the very foundations of who we are. It can cause inner conflicts that may never end up being resolved. Society doesn't teach men or women to be dependent and subservient to another. It doesn't teach us to be selfless towards the needs of our partners. For as selfless it may be to serve a Dom, the same selflessness is required on their part. Whereas we must turn to them to be the voice of reason, they must now be the voice of reason for two.

The shift that occurs, the greatness of the man that we now have in our viewpoint, is necessary. In order to accept that we are not in control of ourselves, our minds make this man into someone above us. There is a slight resemblance to worship in the effects of power exchange. Do we not have our prayers to them, when we are lost and stumbling in this role, to help us find clarity and peace? Do we not trust them--sometimes with childlike innocence, other times with the skepticism and hope that only those with unanswered prayers can.

Yet we must hold in our minds the man they were before the power. Keep them grounded and accountable. To be around and interactive, not some lofty creature we can't relate to. To let them sometimes get on bended knees. To be their rock when they will inevitably stumble. We must see beyond the power we give them, in order to trust that when we offer guidance and support, we won't brushed aside with indifference. To remember they are still the imperfect beings they always were, simply made more complete with the love and obedience we show.

Wow, that escalated quickly! I must still be in the grips of essay writing. Ha! Before anyone goes off, yes I used male Doms. It's easier with writing to stick to a specific gender. This in no way insinuates that women can't be Doms. It was simply more natural for me to place men in that position.

I'm sure I'll have more to say on this at another point. As it is only a snippet of what is going through my mind at any given point. :)

Opinions Wanted!!

The other day Sir mentioned that I should check out something called the Sad Cat and Sad Dog Diaries.

I thought the cat one was so sad. I nearly wanted to cry. Poor kitties. Sir thought they were both hysterical. When I explained why I thought the cat one was sad, and how I wanted to pet/cuddle all the cats, He remarked on how my compassion can still catch Him off guard.

I just watched the dog diary. Those were not as sad faces, but I still didn't think it was at all funny Maybe it's me.

So I want to know what you all think about these videos. Did they make you laugh? Want to cry? Or didn't do anything at all for you?

It's Enough

Unfortunately, I did something to my right shoulder. It aches all the way down to my ribs, front and back. I've been having some pain since Wednesday night and it's only been getting worse, despite having seen the chiropractor on Friday. Sir knows I'm all screwed up and won't be going anywhere tomorrow. D'awww, He just sent me a text: "I'll see if I can bring you something back."  He's so sweet. :)  Whether He does or not is inconsequential. That He wanted me to go and is still thinking about me is enough to make for a happy subbie.

Honestly, I'm a little concerned for even going to visit Chris. My body has less than a week to figure itself out. Okay, I feel the stares. What happened on Wednesday?  I decided to do my nightly walk with wrist weights. And then there was emotional upheaval. Maybe between the chiropractor and seeing the therapist on Tuesday, I can manage to be okay by Friday. Or a week in the home state is going to be interesting to say the least.

I've been busy chit-chatting with a few people though. I have a friend stopping by to visit before he spends several months in Australia. I'm so happy for him and incredibly jealous! I'm glad he sent me a message before he left.

Lisa and I have been keeping each other entertained. I find out she officially got married on Friday. Basically it was a signing of paperwork, lol. Now I need to make them a cake some time, from scratch of course. I'll be seeing her soon. I can't wait. I miss her and the monster man so much.

Not sure if I'll be getting to see Sir before He leaves and then I leave. Sometimes life goes that way. If I do, it'll be nice. If not, well there is always Skype. He's bringing His laptop with Him on this work trip. We can Skype while I'm in home state as well. Especially in the morning. No one is ever awake in the morning, heh. Though I doubt anyone would care if I took ten minutes with my Sir anyway. They all know about him.

Even if I can't get hugs soon, I will get some of His time. For now, that's enough. :)

The Who's Who

While I was away, Sarah told me it gets rather confusing around here without names. Mea culpa. In order to clear some of that up, I've given names to people. No, these are not people's real names. This will also make sure that I don't forget what I call people, as some of them only make casual appearances. I'm also going to make another page in the tab section with links to important posts such as this one.

I don't think there's confusion with Sir/Him. I'll ask if there's a name He wants to go by though.

As for the BF (boyfriend), I'll be calling him Chris.

The Ex...well I don't really want to name him because I just want him gone. So I'll just call him "The Ex".

To clarify some things, when I started this I was in a LDR with a Dom. We're friends now, though not terribly close. I can't imagine talking about him much here. But he is a different person from The Ex.

I have mentioned K and R. From now on I'll call them Kevin and Rebecca. I think names are easier to remember. They're dating and live together. They're good friends who kinda think of me as theirs, in a non-relationship context. They are...concerned...that I'm going to get my heart very broken by Sir. Though hopefully those fears have eased some over the last few months.

Then there's my best friend, Lisa. With her cute son, the monster man. Her hubby we'll call James, though I imagine he won't come up in conversation very often.

There are other people I may bring up now and then, including some exes from the past. Who knows, I may have new people to write about. (Is it just me, or did anyone notice my leash being pulled in tight just then??  Hahaha)  We are still looking for a woman to play with, so I do hope to talk about her one day--whoever she may end up being.

I hope this helps clear up any confusion. :)

While I was away...

I'm back, and a bit more grounded. I saw that therapist on Tuesday. I did like him and agreed to go back. I'm a bit more an edge but it's a controlled panic, if that makes sense. My mind has really calmed and quieted down. It's not racing with chaotic thoughts. Sir assures me this is good, even if it's a bit eerie.

Some confrontations and honest conversations later find Sir and I doing quite well. It's having a line and keeping to it. I guess I sometimes push and He pushes back. Then we both end up unhappy. Y'all get the fallout. It's not good for anyone.

Thankfully, we talk all the time. Even when we're not doing as well, we still text all the time. Trying to make things better. I think some space away from here did help me sort myself out enough to be able to express some important pieces to Him. Which in turn let Him see exactly where I was coming from and where I stand with things. It turns out we're still on the same page. At times it feels like one of us is reading ahead (yeah, that's likely me, lol) or that we're reading entirely different books. We did manage to figure it all out though. That's all I really wanted.

We are likely going to a renn faire this Sunday. Funnily enough, it's about 10 minutes from where I was born and spent the first 7 years of my life. I haven't been to that area in years. It's been a decade since I went to visit family there. Though I'm pretty certain I went down on Palm Sunday in 2007 to visit my mother's grave.

It's strange, ya know? I've only lived two places in that state. When we were out that way in the early spring, we were not 10 minutes from where I grew up. We even passed my high school. Now there are plans to go back, in a completely different part of the state, yet it's one that will always have place of importance. An unusual coincidence. An oddness that I felt needed to be pointed out.

I was able to convince Sir to let me spoil Him at the end of the month, as a birthday present. I can't reveal the details, as much of it will be a surprise but He's in for a treat. I told Him I want at least 24 hours of His time. That we'll be worn out by the end is an understatement. :)

While I was gone, Sarah made sure I wasn't alone. During one of our conversations, she mentioned that who everyone is in my life is a touch confusing. So look for a better explanation of people in my next post. It's the least I can do, as I'm sure she's not the only one confused by who is who.

But I am back. Hopefully with more peace and an inner calm.

Intermission, Partie Deux

Because Sarah encouraged this...

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought? Wondered if I'd like the new glasses. I do, but my eyes are not used to these.

2. How much cash do you have on you?  About $70-80, I'm normally lucky to have a couple bucks

3. Name a word that rhymes with door?  more

 

4. Name your favorite planet?  Venus

 

5. Do you own more than 100 Cd’s?  I haven't counted in some time, but I would think so.

 

6. Have you ever finished a bag of popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom?  No, and I usually don't eat popcorn.

 

7. What kind of top are you wearing?  A white tee with some graphics and sparkly designs.

 

8. Have you ever labeled yourself?  Yes. Too many labels.

 

9. Name the brand of shoes you are currently wearing? I'm not, wearing socks.

 

10.Bright or dark room? Naturally lit room. But not too terribly bright either.

 

11.Have you ever been pooped on from the sky?  You'd think, considering how much time I've spent in NYC. Isn't that what always happens there?? But nope.

 

12.What does your watch look like?  Don't wear one.

 

13.What were you doing at midnight last night?  Saying g'night to Sir and getting ready for bed.

 

14.Have you ever dated someone a decade older than you?  Yes. I typically prefer those older than me. But neither Sir or the boyfriend are much older than me.

 

15.Have you ever listened to a song and cried? All the damn time.

 

16.Who last told you he/she loved you? My best friend.

 

17.What was the last furry thing you touched?  My cats.

 

18.How many drugs have you taken within the last three days? If Alka-seltzer cold is a drug, whatever the recommended dosing is. Still can't shake this damn bug.

 

19.Favorite age so far? Now?

  

20.Have you ever had a secret crush on a teacher?  Hahah, Yes! This should have been the first sign that I was attracted to older men from the very beginning.

 

21.What was the last thing you said to someone? "Moo"  It's a thing I do.

 

22.Have you ever been found sleep walking?  Yes, though not since I was a young kid.

 

23.What was the last song you sang? Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson

 

24.What’s your favorite number? 4

 

25.Where did you live in 1987?  That's a good question...

 

26.What do you do when the vending machines eats your money?  Smack it a few times. If that doesn't work, I find a manager.

 

27.Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?  Closed, definitely closed. Open seems awkward and kissing is awkward enough.

28.What was the last song you heard?  Set Fire To The Rain by Adele

 

29.If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?  Italian

 

30.Have you ever seen a ghost? I see them nightly. Come hang out in my kitchen after dark, lol. Or the ever growing collection of spirit animals, up to 2 cats and a huge dog. Though the most unexpected was on my front lawn back at my mother's home one summer when I was home from college. I was outside enjoying the quiet evening when one walked right past me. A woman, probably in her late 20's, early 30's in farm style clothing, which would make sense given it had been all farm land until the 1950s.

 

31.When was the last time you ever wrote a letter to someone and mailed it?  To the penpal I had in Africa through my Church, back when I was 11 or 12.

 

32.Can you change the oil in a car? Heh, no. I was gladly pay someone else to do that.

 

33.How far back do you know about your ancestry?  Considering various lines of my family came over illegally, not terribly far. One side can trace back to a village in eastern europe.

 

34.When showering do you start the water and then get it, or get in and then start the water?  The water has to be the right temperature before I can get in.

 

35.Have you ever crashed a car? No, but have had someone hit mine.

 

36.Does every family have a crazy relative? I would think so. All the branches of mine have bits of crazy. Unfortunately that doesn't bode well for me.

 

37.Have you ever sent or made a prank call? Not at all.

 

38.How old do you look? My age, though for many years I looked at least a decade older than I was.

39.Should guys wear pink?  If it suits his skin tone, then yes.

 

40.Have you ever done anything for which you could be arrested?  Haha, yep. Wouldn't you like to know the details???  *winks*

Intermission

This isn't a "I'm back" post.

More of an intermission piece.

We should all realize by now that He is right by saying I need professional help in the form of therapy. I admit I have issues that have been around for far too many years. That I can track the depression for over a decade now says more than I ever could.

I've never actually disagreed that I need the help. I distrust therapists, immensely. I've had my share of downright bad ones. I do not trust them not try to get me locked up in a mental institution. It doesn't matter that I know the laws in my state. I reviewed them in great detail. Yep, huge amounts of total distrust.

Look I've been in and out of therapists offices since I was a little kid. I know I have my issues, which are by and large swept under a rug. The not so great things about me: major depression, anxiety, trauma from sexual, physical and emotional abuse, abandonment issues.

I suffer from panic attacks. I have a negative voice in my head that thinks everything is going to go wrong all the time, and because of that, I'm no good to anyone. I regularly suffer flashbacks from several majorly traumatic events.

Yet I also try to convince myself that I didn't have it so bad as to warrant help or even that I don't have a right to be screwed up. It drives Him insane that I will give a mile to anyone I care about with any kind of problem, yet I won't recognize that I have legitimate reasons to not be okay.

Until now. I went searching through local therapists in the area. There's one I liked immediately. He specializes in depression, relationship issues, and anxiety. He also works with LGBTQ issues. So I shouldn't be able to surprise or scare the guy too terribly. "No, I'm not the 50 shades of grey kinky. I'm so much worse. *me grinning*"  Or "Oh, relationships. Well do you want the long or short answer on them? I'm happy with those after all.  *noting the plural, the guy's eyes go wide*"  

Sir, you sure you want me seeing a therapist?? Hahaha

So yeah, I'm working up the nerve to fill out a form on the therapist's website. I can stare at it, even read through the questions. It's the "briefly describe why I'm looking for a therapist" and "describe treatment history" that I have no idea  how to answer. Maybe it'll come to me sometime in the next few days.