Sunday, December 16, 2012

Rollercoaster of Ups and Downs

Days like today, I think my head is screwed on backwards.

The people who offer stability are not the ones I'm in love with. I do love them, don't get me wrong. But there's no drive in my heart pushing me towards their direction.

And the one I do love is hard, complicated, and downright messy path to take. One I'm not always sure is going to lead anywhere but in circles.

If I was rational, I'd be heading towards the stability side of things. But I never claimed to be rational and neither has my heart.

Every step forward with Him, I feel like I take three back.

Intellectually, I understand. Completely and I don't hold it against Him one bit.

I'm not exactly okay emotionally myself most of the time.

But I'm at a place where I feel like I'm being led on only to be dropped at every turn.

I can handle just being friends. I truly can be okay and happy there.

I can't handle having pieces of more dangled in front of me, with it always ending up being pulled away.

My ex did that...I haven't talked about that ex here yet. It was a destructive relationship that left horrible triggers and distrust in me. He'd talk about all he wanted to do. Tease me with fulfilling needs and desires, never to have any of it ever happen.

I can't do that again. I won't put up with it. I wasted three years of my life on someone who wasn't worth my time. On someone who couldn't bother to give me anything I needed.

I will not waste any more of my time. I believe He is worth it. I have from the day we met. But this roller coaster is tearing me apart.

I can help Him with the bad times, if He'll let me. I can handle pieces being put to the side now and then. But don't keeping taking everything away.

If it's just not possible right now, fine. But tell me, so I don't get my hopes up and so I don't have expectations of things that aren't going to happen.

Let me know if putting everything else on hold will be worth it. Or if I shouldn't hold out hope and keep searching. Bc it is one or the other.

Even if it's in a year's time, I can and will wait. But if this is never going to lead to anything besides friendship, just let me know now...

It's not just today either. This has been going on for awhile. I thought we had finally gotten past this stage, but apparently not.

I need stability. And this isn't it...

1 comment:

  1. I feel like this post needs a qualifier added on...

    I triggered very poorly earlier. I'm so far locked away in myself that I likely don't even seem like me right now.

    I needed to write. To let these thoughts out.

    But take them with a grain of salt.