Revelations

Last night was interesting...

I presented a variation of my typical public image. No glasses, but contacts. Hair up and done nice/neat. Make-up, jewelry. Instead of a dress or skirt, I wore jeans with a really nice dress shirt and vest with cute non-heeled boots.

It was an attempt to have a more commanding and self-assured persona come through. But apparently among kinksters, the default has become a cute little kitten.

I need to discuss law, politics, religion...those will bring out the side I'm searching for. Throw me back into a college classroom and that persona shines through.

Frankly, I was far too aroused last night to be anything but the sex kitten. I was totally up for an orgy, hahahaha.

So things did not go according to plan. It happens. But I think for the most part, everyone enjoyed themselves.

It was after everyone had left that it became personally interesting.

He and I were talking in the parking lot of the restaurant we'd been at for the evening. I held Him up, wanting just to spend a few moments together. Granted, I wanted deliciously sexy things too, but we didn't have the time for such.

Instead, we talked. He dropped a bomb shell. He wants to take on the public role of/as my Dominant.

Yeah...that still hasn't sunk in even as I type it...my mind is like "Wait, what?"

Apparently that's what this test run with the orgasm control and other small things was leading up to with Him. Wanting to see if "this" worked. It's been something He's been considering for some time, though this is the first I'm hearing of it.

He talked with R about this nearly a month ago. The context of comments her and K have made since then now make far more sense.

One of the things He was trying to make clear last night is that once He sets His mind to something and makes a promise, He will follow through with it. He said that expressing that desire to be my Dominant pretty well sets the tone that it will happen.

At the same time, He's also cautious about what He says to me. He doesn't want to make promises He can't keep. In terms of a full, long term relationship, basically.

Which I have no expectations of it happening. From the beginning of when He and I met, I never expected any of this. When I started this blog, I told the story of how this will likely end. And yet, it's still worth it for the sweetness of what I have with Him now.

I don't expect anything more than right here, right now. What happens will happen. That's something new for me. I've set myself up in the past with making plans and dreaming of a life with someone. I can't keep doing that.

Especially not when He's so damn sure that we're incompatible long term. "Philosophical differences"...that's what He calls it. Though I did make it clear last night, He knows far less about me (read: my goals, dreams, long term life desires) than He realizes.

I am happy, thrilled even. Don't let my tangent detract from that. I would be perfectly content to have Him as my Dominant, even if that's all it ever will be.