Thursday, December 20, 2012


I was slipping and sliding. Crying and lonely. A kind of loneliness that resonated deep within my soul.

There's a band called "Anthem Lights." I listen to their covers all the time. But I realized one of the songs I play daily was one of theirs. So I decided to listen to the rest of the album. While I don't like everything, the music pulled to me.

They're a Christian band.

For nearly the past week, I've been dreaming about church and going to mass. Standing alone in unfamiliar churches lit only by candles. Standing before the altar and seeing the physical manifestation of my loneliness.

Saturday night, I dreamed about my old church out in my hometown in Jersey. I went to mass and brought Him with me. There was a lightness there. And a sense of obligation. But I was welcomed back with open arms. Like a friend that had long been missed.

I keep ending up in churches, no matter what else my dreams may consist of during the night.

But yes, I was crying. Caught up in fears and doubts. Because honestly, I have a lot of those right now. It's been a rough week. More than just my struggles with Him. Something from my past came up the surface. A past trauma. Something that changed the landscape of my reality, on every level.

Then there's the ever continual struggle with faith and my beliefs. I don't have the answers. That much is becoming clear.

So I threw on my headphones and set up my playlist with all of the songs I currently listen to daily.. And I started to read. Yeah, the book He gave me. I looked for that post in the archives and couldn't find it. But it's the ragamuffin gospel book.

Yes, I'm still slowly reading that. It's not a rush through book, at least not for me. Not with where my mind is. But I think I'll be reading it more.

I'm sure He'll be interested in that I've been dreaming of churches and faith lately. He doesn't even know that I want to go back to his church again some time...well, He knows now lol. There was something more there that day. I want to see if it was a one time thing. If not that would be interesting to unravel.

Let me tell you, it's disturbing to be haunted by my lack of faith in my own dreams.

Given everything else that's been going on, it would be great if my dreams would show me some relief.

Not to mention that He's always there...somewhere in my dreams. Haunting me as well it seems. My life before meeting Him, I'd rarely ever dream of people I know. Maybe a few times a year, if that. It's been strange to have Him in my dreams nearly every night.

Still not nearly as disturbing as the church dreams though. Some of which have rivaled the best thriller movies.


  1. Maybe your discomfort is coming from trying to compare your life to 'the standard fare' of religion, instead of just being quiet and going inside to find your own spirituality and letting your heart define your religion.

    People make a lot of suppositions and want to define other people, but our relationship with our God is just that...our relationship.
    It's very individual.

    I'm sorry you're having doubts and fears, the answers are there, sometimes we just have to be quiet and let them bubble to the surface. (((hugs)))

    1. As a 'recovering Catholic' who has been a practicing Wiccan for many years now, I hardly fit into the norm of religion. Even before my break from the Catholic Church, my beliefs were often far from traditional.

      It's the difference between "belief" and "faith". I believe in Jesus. I believe in God, in the sense of the Creator. I also believe in the Lord and Lady. I believe in many "gods" that humanity has worshiped.

      My personal belief is that "gods" are just humanity's way of trying to understand the nature of the Creator. And that different people have different needs from the Divine. Depending on cultures and personal life experience.

      My conflict exists in that there is a mental understanding/belief in this. But in my heart and soul, I question these beliefs and have doubts.

      It's very complex and often leaves me with a lot of thoughts in my head, heh.

  2. So sorry you are feeeling this confusion and hurting. The answer will come to you in time, probably when you feel like giving up the search. Stay strong and it will happen.