Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Asking VS Expressing

This is going to be a very twitchy post for me...
Hope I can do the topic justice.

We were talking about asking for things I want/need from Him. This post has a two-fold purpose. One to explain to Him fully where that comes from. The other to pose the argument between "asking" versus "expressing".

That I don't ask for things is a reoccurring theme for me with Doms and relationships for me in general. It stems back to my childhood. I was raised by guardian parents from second grade and on. It was once I moved in with them that I stopped asking for anything.

I learned very early on to appreciate what I did have. When nearly everything was taken away, priorities changed. I also realized that my guardians couldn't provide the emotional support and love I had previously. I accepted that and appreciated what I did have.

My Christmas list every year comprised of books and cds. The only two things I really craved, and still do to this day. Still, I had to be told to write out a wish list. I wasn't one of those children in the store pointing out this and that. The comments of "I hope you like it" with a hint of worry and "I didn't know what to really buy you" now make much more sense.

That has been who I am ever since, in every aspect of my life. I accept what people can and can't offer. I am happy with what I do receive physically and emotionally from others. As long as people make the effort, I'm content.

It's made D/s a bit interesting. Because this attitude has set me up for disappointment. I am human and do have needs that must be met, or I become disinterested. It's something I have been working on over the last two years to determine what all I need from a partner. The list becomes a little more detailed if they are also dominant over me.

But simply, as long as that list is fulfilled on a decently regular basis, I'm good. Everything else I receive from a partner is an extra blessing, and an unexpected one at that.

This is because my life conditioned me to set my expectation bar fairly low when it comes to others. I'm all too aware of the imperfections of people. I will never ask people to give more than they are willing. It ends badly for everyone.

Which leads me to the second half of this post...

I can express my needs, wants, desires just fine. At this point in my life, it's something I know to make very clear. I will tell a partner everything I do and do not like. I want to talk about unexplored avenues that sound fun. I don't just mean kink, but life in general. It's great to talk about these things.

It's amazing what you can learn about people when you talk with and listen to them.

But asking sits uncomfortably with me. I feel it places an expectation upon my partner. It sends the message that I'm without something I want/need. Which, given what people have expected me to ask for, it's not like that. If there's a need/want not being met that's on my list, it means a more in depth conversation than just asking.

For me, that's a sign that there's a greater miscommunication at work. Possibly that it's something the other person can't fulfill, or something they're not all the comfortable with. It speaks to a larger issue, possibly irreparable problem.

Let me give an example of what I mean between expressing and asking. I'll go into orgasms because that's where this conversation began with Him and I.

hypothetical background: been horny for a few days, starting to feel needy as I haven't been given permission to cum in that time...

Expressing myself: "Sir, I've been very horny the last few days. You have a very aroused sex kitten wanting to play."

Asking: "Sir, I've been very horny and needy. Would it be possible for me to have an orgasm soon?"

Ugh...even writing the "asking" part was very difficult. I probably didn't do a good job with it either.

Both leave the power in the other person's hands...but asking seems like placing an expectation upon the person. It requires an active decision in that moment. Expressing has the feel of making the desire known, but leaving it up to the other person as to when to address it and how.

To me, my partner should know when I'm horny. When I want to play. When I'm having a bad day and just want sweetness/softness. Expressing all of this is great. It's information the other person should know. But it still leaves all the power and discretion up to the other person.

I'm more liable to ask if there's a reason why "x, y, z" is or isn't happening compared to me asking for something in particular.

Frankly, asking feels like it creates more problems than solutions. I understand that my partner has the ability to say "no" but I believe hearing/saying "no" too often can lead to a fracture between the people involved. It can lead to the one asking to stop doing such. Whereas with just expressing, and the other person acknowledging it of course, allows the person in control to make decisions with a fuller understanding. But not dictated by the box asking creates in either giving or denying.

I didn't choose D/s to get what I want all the time. I chose it because I need to give up control. I need to be led, even to places I would not have chosen in that moment myself. Because it's not just about me. It's not even about the other person so much. It's about the journey together.

Asking for things seems counterproductive to that journey and the growth that comes with it.

So folks, if you made it all the way through this: Congrats!!! 
I'd love some feedback from people and 
your perspectives on the topic of "asking."

I have a feeling He's going to say something to the effect of: "Your inability to ask comes from a fear of being rejected. Hence why I'm pushing you past those boundaries in order to have you grow as a person." And He feels like He misses things. If He is, asking is a direct way to bring it to His attention.

Even though I express myself well I think...and when I don't, oh look I have a blog to sort out the details.

Anyway, if you have thoughts, please feel free to comment. I do so enjoy your comments!! ^_^


  1. oh no don't get me started. i feel that i am unworthy to ask for things because i have learnt thru past experience that it only ends badly. so i taught myself not to expect things. and expressing is a safe way for me to do that.

    i will say what i feel but not ask too. "I would like very much to be able to spend a weekend away with you" tells him how I feel. If that weekend happens, I am thrilled. I did not expect it, but was happy it happened.

    However if I said "Can we go away for the weekend?" I feel as if I'm setting myself up for a rejection. and i do not like rejection.

    What BIKSS is doing now is trying to get me to understand that there are some things WELL WITHIN MY RIGHTS to ask for. And not sell myself short or imagine that i'm unworthy of everything.

    And also, that if something cannot happen, not to take it personally as a sign that I AM UNWORTHY of that thing that I expressed desire for, but that there is every possibility it could be due to something outside of "i am not worth his while".

    OK. Those are my thoughts. was it too much for a comment? LOL

    1. Well said Fondles. Thank you for sharing.

    2. Fondles, there is no such thing as too long of a comment. Seriously, I appreciate the insight.

      Yeah, it's totally the feelings of unworthiness and rejection that I fear and dislike.

      I don't mind not getting my way. That's fine. But if...if I ask, it's a pretty big deal for me.

      And it's funny because I can totally tell Him that He's coming to spend some time with me in January. It's not a choice, a suggestion, nor an option. He's spending the night. I'm cuddling Him in bed ALL night. I'll make Him a damn delicious dinner and we can play a bit.

      Okay, so there's secretly a control-freak in me who doesn't want to be denied things I NEED. And believe me, a night all to ourselves is something we both need.

      I don't want to give Him control over things like that because then He can deny me/us. Maybe I'm not nearly as good at this power exchange stuff as I claim, lol.

      Not to mention that I don't know where the boundaries are, of what I can and can't ask for. I don't even know what I can expect of Him. Hence the bar being set so low.

      It's something we'll figure out in time. I'll try to ask for things on occasion. He'll have to work on the cues with my expressing things. We'll meet somewhere in the middle.

  2. I like the distinction that you made between expressing and asking. I find that often a play partner will not even want to express what they want and desire.

    Again, thank you for a very insightful post.


  3. I can relate to this hugely! I have to ask to masturbate and I find it extremely hard to ask for things. I much prefer expressing and I totally get the difference :)