Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Emotional growth

Yesterday, R told me that I should be careful and cautious when it comes to Him. She doesn't want to see me hurt.

He and I had the same reaction: Surprised this hadn't come sooner.

I'm well aware I'm playing with fire. I could easily get burned.

I am in love with a man who is not in love with me.

Yes, He finds me attractive. He's obviously interested, or we wouldn't have what we do.

It's not the most dangerous game I've played, but there are still a lot of unknowns.

Last night I was talking with a friend (from our circle of kinksters) about her relationship of sorts with this one guy (who we're also friends with). She's having intense jealousy issues.

So I talked her through all of her feelings. It came down to the fact that she's not communicating with this guy. I was firm with her that she needed to communicate her needs better. Even if they're not dating per se, they are together.

She is allowed to ask him questions about this other woman he's seeing/playing with. She has the right to express her insecurities to him. I hope she follows through with that like she agreed to do.

But there's a reason why I mention this exchange. She sounds like I did!! Before He and I had all of our most recent conversations.

I found myself telling her all of the things I've recently learned. How to enjoy the moment while it's happening. How to better communicate feelings with the intention of expression, not of actions. Expressing what are needs, even in that dynamic of a play partnership. If both parties aren't happy, then something needs to change or it's just not going to work out.

That fear I read in her words? I know that all too well. The fear of loss. The fear of no reciprocity of intense feelings and a more defined relationship. The fear of being dismissed when expressing emotional concerns.

A lesson I've recently learned is that someone who truly cares about me wants to hear my fears and concerns, so to help ease them. He likes it when I'm happy and super content. He tells me all the time that if I have questions about things He says, I'm more than welcome to ask.

Heh, she basically told me that her guy said the same to her. This woman and I are a lot alike. Something I've noticed from the moment we met. Maybe all of my recent personal growth can help her reach her own growth and inner peace.

I know R is worried but I'm in a good place with a really great man. If nothing else, the man does care very much about me. He's helped me grow emotionally, and has helped me find some stability within myself. I'm learning to communicate better. Not just with Him, but in my daily interactions with others.

I am cautious still. I will be for awhile as past issues with abandonment don't just disappear over night. But my head and heart say that this is the man I've been searching for.

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