Friday, January 25, 2013

Choice and D/s

Before I get into the rest of the details from my previous post...


Okay, so the long squeal of delight is because I'm spending the night with Sir!!! It's our first and I've been bouncing for joy since we made plans. Cuddling!!! And I was told to bring toys. Gonna be a happy kitten tonight! I had to share this delightful news. I'm sure I'll have plenty of details to write about tomorrow!

Back to choices. This began with a conversation we had on Sunday. In His hesitancy to put restricting rules in place as it takes away choice. I've been thinking about that all week actually. The idea of choice in the confines of D/s.

The moment true choice is taken away, the line of consent blurs. I know some slaves, likely even some submissives, live this way quite happily. It comes from a place of trust and mutual understanding.

But I challenge anyone within a BDSM relationship to say they don't have choice in some capacity or another. We can still say "no" and if it's not respected, then we have the option of leaving. Anything else is abuse, not BDSM.

So the idea of choice is a fuzzy one. Because Doms and subs often do things they may not like in order to please the other person. It does go both ways. Doms don't want to be Dominant all the time no more than a sub wants to be submissive all the time. We do things in relationships out of love, respect, and the idea of placing another's needs above ones own.

I will always have a choice. I can choose not to do whatever Sir tells me. There will be consequences, of course. If it's something I agreed to, then punishment will occur. If it's something I can or will no longer do, then it's time to reevaluate. Renegotiate.

By personal choice, I would not be sexually monogamous. I'm old enough to realize that I will want to have sex with others, the fantasy of the "One" has been gone for some time. And young enough that a lot of options are available to me at any given time. If Sir says "no", then I have a choice. I can agree to it or I can disagree. What happens from there will depend on several factors, I'm sure. As of right now, I can live with the sexual monogamy as it's not quite that black and white. I have the freedom to emotionally connect with others as well as play.

Choices. What we do is consensual, safe, and sane. We take calculated risks, not just with our bodies. With our minds, hearts, souls. As a sub, I trust the Dom I'm with to make choices for me. I can always say no, but I don't want to. I'm with the man for a reason after all. 

We're compatible, in more ways than just kink. I chose Him. I chose D/s, knowing full well that I will not have the full and complete choices of how I live my life. I don't want all those choices. The biggest choice I will ever make is in deciding who I will submit to. That is Sir.

Even His hesitation and fears about removing choice let me know He's the right person. Because He won't make decisions for me without knowing for sure if it's right. And if it's not, we'll find a way to make it work. That's the man He is and why He's worthy of trust.

I can understand why He's afraid to remove choice. Doesn't want to mirco-manage me. And given my abusive past, He doesn't want to affect my life in a negative way. But it's my choice to submit. My choice to hand over parts of my life to Him.

As long as He is the man I know now, a good and honorable person, then I will continue to give myself to Him. For however long He wants me. :)

I'm sure I'll more to say on this topic in the future...


  1. "But I challenge anyone within a BDSM relationship to say they don't have choice in some capacity or another. We can still say "no" and if it's not respected, then we have the option of leaving. Anything else is abuse, not BDSM."

    I totally agree!! sounds like you're on the right track... and your Sir sounds like a decent thinking trustworthy Dom. Good for you!

  2. i'm new to all of this , but my understanding is that a sub has the choice whether or not to submit and to whom.There is always a safeword and limits. If these aren't respected then it becomes abuse, not something consensual.

  3. I hope your night went well! I completely agree on BDSM vs. abuse. Although I may feel, in the moment, that I dont have a choice, I know I ultimately do.