Saturday, October 6, 2012

And a light bulb went off...

We were talking and I had a moment where a light bulb went off in my mind.

I'll be the first to admit that I have had some not so great relationships.

Some of those weren't with bad people. But the relationship dynamics didn't work.

I guess it stems back to the first Dom I had. It was an online relationship with a guy from the UK. I have a thing for Brits, heh.

He was the first to coax out my submissive nature. He spent a lot of time working on me. (note the word choice on "working one me"...not working with me)

He labeled my submission...he also labeled the strong willed, independent side of me. He did his best to repress that side of me. In the end, he didn't feel like I was submissive enough and walked out of my life.

I have since seen those sides of me as opposite and contradicting.

I let others suppress the independence. When I discovered I was more submissively inclined, I thought that the independence was a curse. A falsehood of sorts, created by life's circumstances, instead of being part of me.

I'm not so convinced of that anymore.

Maybe the independence is good for me. It makes me stronger.

Bridging the gap between the submission and independence is I need to do for myself.

Back to the light bulb moment. Part of the reason why my last Dom and I didn't work was because I was mentally and emotionally stronger than him.

Even with all my faults, cracks, and weaknesses...I was stronger. I could talk my way out of punishments. I could subtly control the direction of the relationship. Not because I wanted to...but he couldn't keep up with me. So I ended up leading.

When I began to realize that back in July...I knew it was only a matter of time until I would have to walk away.

I need a Dom who won't try to fracture me. Instead, help keep me whole.

I need someone who can keep up with me, maybe stay one step ahead at times.

Heh, when I told Him of my realizations He told me I'd already said something of this nature to Him. Maybe some part of me always knew. It just took me awhile to consciously wrap my mind around it.

I'm sure this is just another step in the struggle to understand myself. To come to terms with who I am.

The best/strangest part about all of this??

The more He and I get to know each other (and discover more about ourselves along the way), the more we realize how well we do fit together.

A lot of it is generalities, so it'll be interesting to see if our general compatibility works when it comes to the specifics.

I've never had the chance to take things this slowly, or to explore this much of another person before being in a relationship.

I think I prefer it this way.

Even...even if I'm realizing more than I want to admit to...things He may not even be aware of yet...

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