Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Discovering a piece of my puzzle

He chuckled at my last post. Chuckled!!

He said it amused Him because He was positive we'd had that conversation before.

Well...maybe? But that's us talking. I have a lot of self-realizations when I talk with Him. The walls I keep up disappear for the most part, even the ones that I have to keep me from myself. I think that's part of His purpose for coming into my life: Clarity.

He was mainly amused because when we spoke, it was no great revelation for me. Maybe it all made sense to Him at the time...

Just poking fun at Him, lol
It usually takes me a while to catch up though. Or figure out what it means in relation to everything else.

I mentally struggle with the idea of coexisting independence and submission. My home environment dictated women be strong and capable. Men by experience were often weak and fallible. Yet, one gender was never placed above the other. The men who were good, were really good people. Men who set their own course in life and helped others along the way.

My formative years were wrapped around the experience of impressive men and living as equals to them. Bettering myself from the rest of the men. To say I have high expectations is an understatement. Those who are in my life are subject to standards. Partners even more so.

Fondles, commenting on my second to last post, was surprised at how clearly I saw my exes for who and what they are. Ah, but the standards I have are clearly marked. Those who don't live up to them, well it's very easy to delineate them as ineffective and dismiss them from there.

It occurs to me that prior Doms weakened me in order to gain control. They had no other means in which to do so. I see that now. As screwed up as I can be, I'm a very strong woman. It's not easy to be dominant around me. So my submission was used against me. Something to be mindful of in the future.

In my heart I know there is no real conflict between independence and submission. It's simply a rebellion in my mind. An independent sub in theory can be quite an effective one. Give a task and have the knowledge it will be completed. Assistance if needed may be a struggle but that's something that can be worked around. That is where dependence in a relationship is actually a good thing.

It's one positive that prior Doms have done for me. I have no shame asking for help. Some of the independent streak has been tamed. It is a carefully walked tightrope between compliance and independence. It's a matter of knowing when there's enough of one to not overpower the other.

Allow me too much freedom and I become petulant. A lost little girl looking for guidance. Suppress the independence, I become combative and resistant. I struggle in the chains that bind me, gasping for breath.

Weak men have allowed me too much independence. Foolish, destructive men have tried to tame a wild animal without success. Both have paid the price as I walked or dragged myself away from the relationship. The latter makes me laugh with wicked delight. Poor deluded souls. They don't even realize how powerless they truly were.

While I'm not currently seeking a Dom, I will be one day. The above is important and interesting. It will change how I approach people and new relationships. This is truly nothing new for me but all the pieces are beginning to click into place.

1 comment:

  1. Heh, so He's kind of right...

    This post:

    that was the beginnings of the realizations over the last few days and how they'd eventually unfold.

    It takes some time for things to shift and settle properly within me, lol