Monday, October 22, 2012

Doing Something Different Part 2

In tandem to my last post...

What I feel for Him is not inherently D/s based. It's definitely not sexually based. The sex could stay off limits for as long as needed and I'd be totally okay with that.

We could even put all the D/s and play to the side as well. Neither of those are what I'm looking for from Him right now. Because benefits don't have to be physical.

Contrary to His view, I'm not after sex. Even when I flirt and am being all sexy, it's just part of my nature. I told Him I wouldn't make the first move. I flirt, tease, tempt, etc with everyone. It's part of who I am. Doesn't mean I expect more. Hell, that doesn't even mean I want more.

I'm not sitting here fantasizing or wishing for sex with anyone. Not even D/s stuff. That's not where my head is at. Most of the time it's not there...unless someone else brings it forward.

It's about Him as a person. Wanting to be emotionally closer to Him.

Wanting Him to want me to be closer.

At times, it does feel like all He wants is friendship from me...on His terms, in His way.

It's why I find some things so hard to say. Because it feels like He doesn't want to hear it. He's good at listening to me with religion, my head space, emotions...

But the moment it moves to things about feels like He puts up walls. And I don't know if He doesn't want to hear it...or can't. If He's protecting Himself. Or god only knows what. I sense it though.

It leaves me hesitant, reserved, questioning. It stops me from saying things here, and elsewhere. Stops me from telling Him everything that's going on.

There are times when I fear that the next thing I say will be the breaking point that makes Him push me away. He says He won't...but when He's constantly throwing up walls, it's hard to be certain.

He's still here...Supportive. Sweet. Understanding.

I want desperately to believe Him. That what He feels is real. That He wants to be part of my life in some capacity. That He's not going anywhere. That the feelings I express won't push Him away.

It's not even that I don't trust Him to be there for me. I do trust Him, explicitly. It's the's scary. Tie it back into the feelings I have for Him and all that fear.

Yet, I never want to lose Him. In any capacity. I want Him to be in my life. I want this closeness...and the possibility for an openness that is definitely there.

But notice how I don't want to lose Him. Who is He as a person and the value/existence of the connection we share. I hope He hears/sees that.

I see Him as a friend and a companion of sorts. Yes, the Dom is there. The sexual nature too. But I've learned from and with Him that it's the total discovery of a person that is most enriching and fulfilling.

I know that one sounds obvious. But I've gone in search for a Dom, focused solely on that compatibility and then realized that the rest didn't click. I've also clicked with people and hoped to be compatible with kink. Neither were effective.

It's a good lesson, one that I'm applying to all parts of my life. There is a definite shift in how I view the people around me. I think it's a healthier point of view.

All the layers are pulled back and what's a priority is very clear. Deal with what I feel for Him, fully and completely. Do it in a way that allows us to be friends and continue this close bond.

As I told Him earlier, I can handle the heart ache if that's what it comes down to.

I can't handle my life without Him in it.

No comments:

Post a Comment