Monday, October 22, 2012

Doing Something Different

I'm struggling against the love I feel for Him. Fighting it tooth and nail to keep it under wraps. It's why I'm having this roller coaster of emotions.

I try so hard to keep the love out of our interactions. Yet when I'm around Him, or sometimes when we're just talking, it slips free. Butterflies in my stomach. My heart sighs in contentment. I can't help but smile and be happy.

So what's the problem with that?

I'm terrified of it.

I don't want to love a man I'm just friends with. I can't lie to myself or Him about it. Wish I could. It's going to hurt. Because I feel like I can't show and express that love.

We're friends with benefits. The key word there being friends. That is all we can be right now. I accept that.

But love...oh love has no place there.

If I let the love in, it has to have hope to survive and not destroy me. But the hope itself is destructive. There are no promises. No guarantees. I can't crash again from hope. I don't have the strength for it. Last time I crashed from a place of hope, mentally I collapsed. body broke. I'm at the point of mending from that. I can't go through it again.

It feels like having half the pieces of two puzzles and trying to create picture from them. At a certain point, it just doesn't work and there's nothing else to do.

He says I think in terms of extremes. Because either this is something or it isn't. And if it is, I want to work towards that. Even if it's half and baby steps for right now.

If it's something...I want to learn every piece of who He is. How He thinks and views the world. What makes Him tick and what fills His heart with joy. The mark of love is seeing all a person is and embracing them for every little piece.

I need Him to let me in. Let me get to know Him. I need Him to see all of me. He needs to want these too.

We were talking about it last night. He says He wants to get to know the people around Him, not just their kinks (in reference to the kink community we're involved with).

I need us to be working towards...some of growth and development. Even if that's just getting to know each other better. Working on strengthening the connection that we share. Something! Anything!

If this isn't something...and He doesn't want to work on it...then I have to let it go. Because it's not doing me any good. I can't just "leave it be" until an unforeseen time. It's very obvious that it doesn't work for me.

For god's sake man, let me know that you appreciate that I'm in love with you. Realize that I need to do something with it. I can't have it exist and not let it grow.

A flower...either the earth will move and shift to let it free...or it'll be stifled under the ground, never having life.

Love, like that flower, is alive. It can not be put on hold.

I'm not asking to date you...I'm asking for you to start the process of something more with me.

I just need to know, one way or the other. Because *this* is what we've been avoiding that I've been trying to find the words for. Maybe you'll tell me that this is what you wanted all along. Heh, it wouldn't truly surprise me. I'm terrible at figuring you out.

I need to do something different here...and I'd rather that be working towards something with you...instead of away.

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