Saturday, January 19, 2013

Depths of submission

I think I may finally be getting better. *crossing fingers*  I am up and about again. Hoping to get out tomorrow to socialize with people.

Plus, I want to see Sir. I miss Him, even though we talk daily. I need Him.

It's an idea He's still coming to terms with. It's a huge responsibility to be so needed by another person. He takes it on willingly. Even last night, He mentioned that "owning" another person is something He can't fully wrap His mind around.

I am well-loved in our community. The resident "kitten". I know I've detailed some of my interactions with others. I said to Sir last night that while the community sees me as "theirs" in some ways...I am in all reality His.

He's pushed people away for the last few years. Locked Himself up. I think so He couldn't be hurt again.

Like how He saw past all my walls, I saw past His. I see what an incredible and complex man He is. He is very much wanted. Needed. Loved. We slid into each other's lives with such ease. It's as if we belonged there.

Heh, so it seems He and I are due for another conversation.

Before we take any more steps forward, I need Him to be prepared for who and what I am. Sir has seen glimpses of my submissive nature. We have had some discussions on the matter.

He needs a working understanding of me. A more complete guide.

I have spent the last 6 years unearthing the submissive aspects of me. To the point where I can not go back to who I was. I've tried, been trying. There is no shutting it off. There is not keeping it in the bedroom, or only to be called upon when wanted.

That's like trying to control any other part of my personality. Yes, I'm astute enough to realize when it's inappropriate. I manage just fine in various social situations with the rest of my personality.

But I am not a bedroom sub. And while Sir intellectually understands that, I think there are pieces missing. It's my job to make sure He understands me and what I need. So, next week we'll talk. We're seeing when our schedules coincide.

I know it'll be a slow progression. With circumstances being what they are, He can't take the level of control that either of us want. I honestly don't think "we" as a couple are ready for that either. However, there are steps we can take. Measures of control we can approach...maybe something we need to do.

I don't know. Maybe it'll make more sense after our conversation.


  1. I had sort of the opposite position whereas i wasnt sure i could be enough for my Master, he wanted total ownership and that scared the living daylights out of me...its a huge commitment.

    6 years in this together and i couldnt, wouldnt go back, thats not to say its been an easy journey, still isnt at times but i thrive on being being controlled completely.

    1. Yes, it is very much a huge commitment. I'm glad it's been going so well for you and your Master. :)

      We're trying to find our way with this. One day at a time.